Running water ran so hot, to the point it felt like ice
It overflowed, to drown this soul, wouldn't that be so nice
Glaciers melt, mountains move, no mirror knows my name
Hopeless it seems, for time to stand still, nothing is the same

What a wonder it would be, if I could turn off my thoughts
To close my eyes and into a deep sleep take off
But my mind's not that simple, what I know I can't erase
Fighting those "snakes with knives" I won't win that race

My heart is full of sorrows, my pain is manifest
My legs walking in circles, my eyes could use some rest
My soul weighs so heavy, my hands tremble and shake
My words are a stutter, my mind's seeded with hate

Convenience, I fit your plan
Ignorant, I was to the facts
I was an option, you were my only choice
I can't stop crying, to the sound of your voice

Who knows, how long, these days, will culminate
I'll try, but for how long, to-day, we're testing fate
The water runs deep and my blood's boiling
In between tears I see someone's truth unfolding

Sweet sorrow, with a vengeance you have returned
Will my compassion be kicked to the curb?
I want to move on and say all is well
But with each burning tear I wish you to hell

Trees stand strong, roots run deep, engulf me, would you please
Leaves of fall, so beautiful, come bury me, oh come bury me
Sun so bright, with your heat, turn me to ashes so I may sleep
Wind come strong, blow me away, spread my ashes across city streets

Masked

I want you to know, but I don't want to have to tell you
I want you to understand without me saying a word
I want you to hear my thoughts without me speaking
Is that too much to ask of you, Is that too much to wish for?

The truth it hurts, more sometimes than the lying
And truth be told, there are things I haven't told you
My anger stems from years of so much crying
And I fake these smiles for the pain to be ignored

It hurts to think I know you'll never truly know me

My hearts walled off, there's no sense in trying
Most days I wake, to a stranger's reflection
My mind's made up, there's no use in fighting

I keep shutting you out, and I've hidden the key
Actions speak louder than words, come find me

I can be very frustrating, difficult, and senseless it seems
But this is the only life I have, and no one will protect me 'cept me

I made you out to be per-fect
I made you out to be a fairy-tale
I made you out to be my sa-vior
I allowed myself to be so-frail

I fell without a net

Like Alice falling for hours
Excitement surmounted
But you weren't there

Wishing Things Were Simpler

If my tears could spell out the words I wish to say
Oh how easy it'd be for you to understand me
If my tears could sing the song of my heartaches
Oh then you would see what is happening to me

There are not enough words to properly describe
The minute changes I go through in this life
Stepping stones hardly know Who I'll be today
Will anyone really bother to recognize my face

If my silent stares could be translated
Oh how happy you'd be to know what's bothering me
If my gasping breath had a breakable code
Oh how accomplished you'd feel to get inside of me

But things aren't so simple I'm not what you'd expect
An open book you have before you but not in English
A little leg work to put out, aren't I worth that?
And just when you think you got it, you won't be done yet.

Staring

What are you?
An optical illusion it seems
Instructed to stare for pictures to appear
But my eyes grow weak
And the tears build up
Choking on dense air
As I gasp for a scrap of understanding

What has become of you?
Smiles like clouds
Have changed their shape to fool
Once staring joyfully back
Now storms take form
And the water drenches to drown
As I reach out for a touch to save me

Who has brought you?
The logic of probability
Translates into a near impossible event
But yet I stand here watching
With no clear sense
Of what is up nor down
And no way of knowing the truth from lies

Why do you stay?
To taunt to laugh to tease
Since I no longer run with fervor
Only apathy transpires
Bricks glare back at me
Extracting my tears for stability
This wall I never intended on building is built

Where did you go?
The war you endured
Is only obvious to in your eyes
And with a shield
All is kept covered and kept away
And I talk to myself
Regardless of whom interpret judgments on themselves

Frowning Clown

Mid summer's heat but the air I breathe is cold
Surrounded by hundreds of people and so alone
I can speak their languages but no one speaks my own
My childhood a distant memory yet not full grown

Am I just going to be..
Is this what it's supposed to be..
Why can't I finish a thought.

Prison once favored me..
But I fought to be free..
Lost focus of what I sought.

In the calamity I can see the distant familiarities
Within my chaos I am in complete serenity
No expectations for you to understand this insanity
Don't be fooled by coherent talk there is no lucidity.

Tripped with nobody around
But still felt like a fool
This skin doesn't seem to fit anymore

I am the frowning clown
Bringing laughter to your town
Though I bear heartaches galore

Long Run

I'm fading out, the air is getting thin
I'm not allowed to quit, but I want to give in
They say I'm not alone (feed me more lies)
Because the consequences, will be only mine

In the long run, it'll be worth it
But it's this long run that's killing me
Yes I'm crying all this self pity
I've never - claimed to be pristine

My chest tightens and my eyes blur
Smiles I see are awkward and absurd
They laugh now with each complaint
Please don't patronize me and my pain

In the end, all will be well
What is this end where does it hide
Each day I work and harder I try
Mask out fears harbored inside

Their face is fuzzy and sounds are mute
Silence surrounds me I've no clue
How am I supposed to handle this
Tired of beating these bloody fists

In the long run, it'll be worth it
But it's this long run - that's killing me.

Alley Strolling

Asking for directions, but my mouth does not move

Can anyone understand the sounds my eyes make?

I'm looking around, but there are no translators,

Each step gets louder, and the darkness muffles my words.

I feel the humid air glazed onto my skin

My breath deepens and tears perplex their thoughts

Perceptions deceive the talking heart
And ready are the culprits to take full advantage
Fingers make love to strings, palms dance upon drums
And the mind travels to timeless times
Here my night proceeds taking cue from no one
Jealousy rings loudly upon soulless ears
Satisfaction is a myth to their bellies
My hands reach out and grasp the smoke
Of burnt out fires whose scent is all but gone
Where am I going...

Hero In

Staring at the needle stuck in my arm
Waking up to fuzzy memories
Scent of sweat in the air is unfamiliar
And I can't seem to move my legs

Light pierces my eyes mercilessly
Jackhammers deafen my ears
There must be a door somewhere
Footsteps are slowly approaching

Then some lips make my neck their home
And soon enough they find mine
Instincts take over and I follow
As I breathe in memories of the night


Questions become jarbled pictures
Answers all seem irrelevent
Lost time now forever forgotten
Let me enjoy this fog I'm in


Heavy weight lifted via single injection
Unsolicited pleasures fill my chest
The butterflies are free to escape now
But instead they continue chaotically


Dangerous lines have been crossed
When dreams blend nightmares together
Time will show as wrinkles do age
Of what is to become of all this

About Time

It's about time, that I think about me
And when it's about me, I think of my three
Look to the future, learned from the past
All wounds heal, though scars may last

There's no time to let myself wasting time thinking about you
There's no room in my heart to be aching with what you've done to me
No nothing in this world is worth hanging on to
Especially, the person you've shown yourself to be
'Cause its about time

This morning I smiled because I knew I was moving on
This afternoon I enjoyed the sun as it tickled my skin
Tonight I laid down to dream of the possibilities
And thankfully, you were nowhere to be seen

It's about time that I start thinking about me
And when I think of me that counts my 1,2,3
Walking on the Lord's path of the straight and narrow
Knowing that where He leads is where I need to go

At The Show

Caught a disease with no cure
My soul seems to be giving up on me too
Finding it difficult to breathe
Avoidable but I was still fooled

I spend the days wandering
And at night insomnia takes hold
Sleep won't bring any peace
My mind overworked with no goal

Please tell me when it's curtain call
This play is horrid who chose the cast
Watching characters all take their place
While I'm trying to decipher my past

Was I meant to be a comedy
Because it feels like you're all laughing
What melodramatic plot it seems
But I'm still lost with what's happening

Anticipation for the end
A chance for that final bow
But will I have the strength
Will I have anything left

It's still getting harder to breathe
And it's getting harder to see
My mind's playing tricks on me
Let me go pleading to be set free

3 months

comparing seven years to three months
how can I not forget you or get you out of my mind
when we've been apart longer than we were together
comparing seven years to three months
the radio plays a sad song and i think of you
next song is a fuck you and your face comes up too
wishing i could hate you for breaking my heart
as i sit here comparing, seven years to your 3 months
state lines were crossed not cities over
nothing permanent did you leave behind
but yet how can i not stop thinking about you
when all we had was a short time
when all we had were a few nights
when all we had you threw away
we didn't have years not even one
so how can i compare seven years to three months
what makes you stand out
what makes you shine
why is it that i keep pressing rewind
thinking of when you'd make me laugh
guess time spent is irrelevant
so seven years is nothing compared
to your barely three months

About Again

Pure thirst for your waters, a crave that's so owning
I close my eyes and imagine, how satisfying is your drink
Cool calm crisp, yes fulfilling, my dreams are deterring
Just one sip will be plenty, oh no - who am I kidding

I tasted it once, and soon was addicted
Selfish I was, cause I didn't wish to share
Your waterfalls where another's property
So before I was enslaved, I forced you free
And I see you again, and my body convulses
Like heroin, I seek satisfaction
Oblivious you are, to my devising
I'm trying so hard, but there's an ulterior plan

Like a vampire thirsts for blood
Like a child craves attention
Like the wounded seek healing
Like the afraid cry for comfort
Like the wild can never be tamed
Like the truth can never be hidden
Enthralled I am by you
But it's all so conflicted

Years forced to drink stale waters, knowing none could satisfy
Closing my eyes, letting myself wander, to where ever you are

Smiles I win

When the world seems to be getting the best of me
When my fake smiles become unbearable
That's when on cue your face appears
And my stress becomes so easily forgettable

I could tell you a hundred times that I love you
But those words fall short to what I mean
I lost you once before and won't risk that again
So my heart stays quiet and I keep going

Knowing you're with someone that makes you laugh
Makes me glow, though I didn't tell the joke
Because our friendship I want for it to forever last
Even if I'm not the one standing on your pedestal

I may not be the one you dream of
But I'm the one you call when you awake
You may not be the one I lay down with
But you're the first to know when my heartaches

Things Are Great

Drowning under falling waters
Just trying to forget
Sweet slumber come save me
From my need to forgive

The tears won't stop from coming
And to my thoughts I submit
Constantly wondering what will happen
If the truth I were to admit

Because right now, denial's my best friend
And each day, its getting harder to lie
The more I, hide behind the laughter
The more I, feel myself die

Sun burn away the cold
That has entrapped my heart
Rain wash away the fear
That has me falling apart

Damaged are my memories
Like the first day we met
Your name leaves behind
Such a bittersweet scent

Because right now, denial's my best friend
And each day, its getting harder to lie
The more I, hide behind the laughter
The more I, feel myself die

You're Not There

Your lips are distant, their memory slips away
Your words fade to silence, my head turns gray
Colors once vivid, my heart pounds a song
Yet my throat chokes me, so quickly it goes wrong

Standing firm on the concrete to gliding on clouds
In an instant I'm falling, quickly crashing down
And you're not there, to catch me on my descent
And you're not there, to lay claim to the consequence

Is it instinctual or pure malevolence, forcing me to look back
Soon as I have a grasp on my mind's heart, you bring up the past
False hope empty words, you overflow my wine glass
Drunk with love stories, again a fool for your romance

Your eyes once shined and my smiles became addicted
Your embrace so easily would ease away my conflictions
And you're not there, but I no longer expect you to be
And you're not there, hungover I'll pick up what's left of me

Choose Where You Live

Complications, what an imagination
Saying you love me, was this a dream
Considerations, no hesitations
Actions turn your words into hypocrisy

Fell in love, with the memory of me
I'm guilty as well of the same thing
For the past can be what we want it to be
Regardless of - facts or reality

And there you go, Once again
Choosing solitude, Over happiness
No translation, to understand
Yet destroying all, that hasn't happened yet

The cracks in the wall won't self repair
The hole in the ground won't be fixed with air
You can go on living in self made despair
But I've chosen to no longer live there

Implications, of ageless temptations
You said the words, I needed to hear
Such frustration, bullshit situation
Your silence now seems to scream of fear

A dark room, of your own making
Come outside open your heart and mind
Take the jump, no safety net needed
I once heard, it's about faith being blind

I Need Music

You were right all along
You were wrong for me
You "tried" to give it a chance
But you were right, now I see

I called your name without expectation
I sought your face in a fading picture
I listened for your voice lies echoed
I searched your warmth in a freezer

You left matter-of-factly
You became a ghost to my cries
Pill after pill to erase you
Hello all! I'm just fine

Curious of your actions meaningless now
Once hurt from rejection, I'm stronger and proud
Meticulously removing aspects of you from my life
Only to have new thoughts renew my strife

Doe, a Deer, a Female Deer - A DDK story

The drive home from a friend's house sometime holds better stories than the actual gathering. If you were underage and going to drink, two things were obvious. One, you would be better off going off campus. And, two, if you were a typical DDK you needed someone to drive you there and back.

Bill's was the home away from dorm, we all supplied money, and he supplied an apartment. The cherry on top of this delectable relationship, we all got complimented each other. I don't remember there ever being any reason for anyone to fight or argue. Guess that's why stoners and the like were capable of congregating in large packs.

Side note memory: Charlene had a wonderful trick that would indicate she had had her fill when at Bill's. Once she was at the peak of her drinking, she would not just start to sing, but she would fit herself underneath the coffee table. Yes, anyone can fit under a coffee table, but as memory recalls, this was low enough to be limbo dance worthy. And that's where'd you could find her. At Bill's, with her drink, singing, under the coffee table. I only wish there were pictures of this.

Back to the drive: it was nice that the apartments had a back road that connected straight to campus. How all of us packed into PR Chris's car still baffles me, but we did. One drive back is etched permanently in the memory center of my mind. And anytime I recall it, I about piss my pants laughing.

I was in the back seat, Chris was driving, Jess was shotgun. I won't mention who else was in the car, not because I don't care, but because alcohol over the years has taken its toll on my memory. There are woods that surrounded the campus, and it was quite picturesque. Jess was the first to spot a deer coming out of the trees. We, not she, were drunkenly excited to see a live woodland creature. A picture! A picture! Quickly, Jess takes her camera, sets her site on the target, moves in for the kill and BAM! She failed to realize her window in this two door car was not down.

Not only did she smack herself into the window, but remember she was poised for a nature shot. She banged her face with her own camera as well. Sitting directly behind her, I think I was the first to fully appreciate what she had done. And so I laughed, and laughed, and kept laughing. Until everyone in the car, including Jess, were diseased with laughter. Tears upon tears poured down our faces. We were suffocating with our own ridiculousness!

It's not until now that I know that it wasn't so much Jess's face getting planted with her own camera on the window that makes this so hilarious. Rather, the amount of time that we all spent together and the number of jackass things we did in front of each other - no one was ever embarrassed. No one ever hung their head in shame for doing something stupid. Give it a few moments, and someone else with us was likely to do something far more embarrassing anyway.

We tested the limits of our comfort zones. We never ridiculed for the sake of belittling. We ridiculed, yes, but NOT for the sake of belittling. Did we drink? Yes. Did we do it to be comfortable in our own skin? Never. If anything, it was done just to increase the probability of making fools of ourselves for our own entertainment.

Moral of the story: if you see a deer in the woods, make sure your windows down and perhaps there is such a think as contact drunk.

First Kidnapping Trip - A DDK story

"It's the size of my pink nail," I said in awe of the small red square I was given in the elevator of our dorm building. I was instructed to just put it on my tongue and so I did. We were heading to Steak n' Shake to begin our late night. She had a car, she was an exception, and so we headed to the garage. I wondered how long it would take for the chemicals to be absorbed into my bloodstream. I lit a cigarette soon as we got out of the building. More than likely there were other DDK smoking on the porch, it was only around 1am, and we were all night owls. But my memory of the details before the LSD took hold are blurry- I don't even remember ordering any food. I do remember the 2 New Yorkers.

My brain was slowly succumbing to the foreign visitor, and New Yorker 1 and 2 were laughing loudly about their adventures of the night. By this time, bars were closed and people piled in to get a late night drunk feast. We sat there chatting about who knows what when NY1 began to speak to us. His "game" was obvious since I could see the words spill from his mouth and fall flat to the floor. I couldn't help but laugh, he must have thought he had such swagger. But for the sake of entertainment, we humored them. They joined us and we talked, again I have no clue what we went on about. They were still drunk, and well, my mind was slipping off into a land of make believe.

Our evening had just begun and theirs was headed to their beds. She invited them to go on a cruise around town, they foolishly agreed. At this point, we both were behaving pretty sane. So we drove, and the babbling began. They were both in the back seat, and I only remember NY1 because he had long hair. They both spoke Spanish. The stoplights were pouring unto passing cars, and the world seemed perfect. NY1 & 2 asked if we smoked, so they bummed a cigarette, and asked again if we smoked. We looked at each other and laughed.

"Yeah, but not tonight" we offered no further explanation. We just continued to discuss home and travel and about their visit. I must have started to become pretty transparent because NY1 asked, "ok you're not smoking tonight, but what's going on?" Again, we laughed - bordering on hysteria this time because we just the music louder, and I started to sing along. A serenade of the mind fuck we were now in. What time was it anyway?

"This is her first time tripping," she finally gave them a bone to pick at since their curiosity had them salivating.

"Word? Like on acid and shit," NY2's eyes began to laugh as he looked at me and the derangement that was my behavior. It finally made sense, he finally eased up. Both of them did, until she added, "We both are, but this isn't my first time."

I could see fear turning the wheels in their minds. What have they gotten themselves into? Who are these strangers they are riding around with? Two women that they could possibly over power, yet for all they know were serial killers. Oh the joys of youth and foolishness of men who think they know what's going on.

My singing continued, I'm sure so did the conversation. They asked where we were going, I said somewhere that is nowhere and therefore who knows when we'd find it. I was dead serious, and we all laughed. I don't know if the laughing ever stopped. "We have somewhere to go that would blow your mind since you're high," and we arrived at man's home that used colors to make music.

We were thankful for the warning before we met our host. He was a black man whose face had been half blown off by a shotgun. I stared for a few moments, but then ran to the floor of his living room and sat down. There were colors singing to me! Magnificent colors of purple, pink, blue green, just all floating in the air. I heard them all chatter and politely the conversation reached me, but I wanted nothing of it. "Just feed my eyes more music!" I've spoken enough times in my lifetime, and heard enough drabble out of mouths to last two lifetimes. I had nothing to say. What time was it?

She said it was time to head out and experience more since we only had a few hours left. Saddened to leave my singing pictures, I was hoisted from the ground that I had been fixed to. We departed with happy goodbyes and nice to meet you thanks for the show goodday evening adios. Where to? Water.

My cheeks were in the worst of pains from laughing, and our detainees seemed as though they had had enough. True troopers they were, we offered to take them home, but they insisted on continuing on the adventure. Oh what night.. the lyrics tickled my brain. Nothing they said mattered as long as music was playing. I chimed in every now and then with a "bulluckers!" here and there when I heard some bullshit, and she was being the quaint hostess as I was ignorant to any advances.

"We're here!" I opened my door and flew towards the woods. "Wait for me!" She called out, more motherly than as friend that didn't want to miss out. I dead stopped. Frozen in space. Not one muscle moved until I was joined by her, NY1 & 2.

We were at the end of Greek Road, walking through the woods to reach the water. I could feel my heart pounding. "That means you're finally coming down," she informed. "We've got maybe how long then?" She didn't say, knowing that that would ruin any last minute shenanigans.
"Be careful for gators!" I warned NY1 & 2 with a giggle. The fear wheels turned in disbelief. They weren't sure if I was lying. I wasn't going to tell them I was. So I bolted, running in zigzags to keep the creatures away from me. I looked back and suggested that they follow suit. And when they did, I fell on the floor in a hysteria of laughter.

We reached the dock, and I almost began to cry. The moon and the sun were both occupying the sky. It was sad, only twice a day they can see each other. For eternity, this is how they live. It was so quiet, my voice was stolen. Each breeze that blew on my face took my words. They skipped on the water like a stone. The sun was rising and I could feel the heat beat on my chest. "Wow, this place is nice," "SHHH!!!" Fools, such beauty to be disturbed by stating the obvious.

"Stop doing that, you'll hurt your eyes"

"But, look at how the border melts into the water"

"Stop, you'll damage your eyes"

"Fine." But no matter how many times I was scolded or shown something else, my eyes would wander back up. The sun was reading my soul, and hugging my every last breath. I didn't want it to end, but I didn't want to sober up there either. So it was agreed.

DDK - A Short Intro

If you were a Dirty Dorm Kid, you obviously had to live in the Freshman dorms. However, there were other criteria that for the most part summed us up. You met your friends on the benches for a smoke, you more than likely did not have a car, and you were entertained by things that most people (regardless) of age would never understand the fascination behind.

The entertainment portion of our lives was possibly the most random aspect. From dripping melted Walmart bags to stuffing ourselves into a dryer at the campus laundromat, we were never lacking in amusement. Or how about taking a shower in a broken sulfur water spewing sprinkler? Or jumping into bushes, or rather falling from the laundromat rooftop into a tree? And of course, we had a few activities that fit into a "normal" category such as skating around campus at 3am or well - drinking at Bill's.

I'm still not sure how some of us survived the life threatening antics we constantly paraded ourselves in, but we did. And now years later, it's about time the stories are shared. Some mundane, some outrageous, all of it experienced first hand by DDK.