Dia De Los Muertos - Skulls

S&M

Middle School Feelings

Sometimes I feel like the odd one out.  Let's be honest, that sometimes is actually always.  It always feels like there's a big inside secret/joke and I'm the only person not in on it.  I have the insecurities of a middle schooler and yes, I admit, I still wish to be considered cool.  When people compliment me I instantly think they're being insincere; mostly because I can't believe anything about me is so amazing to be frank.  I guess on paper I sound good, but inside my head all I see are scribbles on a page and a stick figure drawing.  There are also some swirls on the corners and exaggerated circles around the hole punched ones.  It always seems that I have perfected the art of wrong timing.  I had the chance to belong and somehow I screw up.  I am my own worse enemy, truer words were never spoken. (Is that even the right idiom?)
I wear my insecurities on my arms and cover them with sweaters with sleeves that are too long and so bulky I look even bigger than I have already become. I look back at the days I was in college, and even then I wanted so badly to be a part of the cool kids group.  I desperately wanted to always fit in and be in on the joke.  Do we ever leave these insecurities behind?  I'm 29 and I still feel like the awkward new kid that everyone makes fun of because I have different hair and I'm not allowed to shave my legs.  When does the satisfaction in just being me begin?  I have had spurts of this contentment, but recently it feels as though those spurts are becoming even more scarce.  Even now as I write this I wonder who will take the time to read this and give it any thought.  What are you insecure about, reader?  Is there anyone out there?  I don't seek a pity party, but maybe I could use some reaffirmation.  Then again, maybe I have to be my own affirmation.  Either way, this feeling kind of sucks - big time.

Monster Blob Thing

Thank You

Ornament

Who'll Win

Flashbacks

I can still see it happening again...

Why does my head hurt?!

acrylic and india ink on mix media

Restless

I am not built for this stay at home mom business.  I am bored out of my mind.  It probably doesn't help that I have very little energy and each day is different from the previous as far as feeling sick or not.  It sucks not having a diagnosis and having all the symptoms.  I really need to find a neurologist.  February can't come soon enough because we seriously need to have all this insanity of not knowing where we will be living etc.  I feel guilty not being able to play with my kids the way I want.  I know everyone will say the same thing, I'm already doing so much for them, but that doesn't make me feel any better; sorry.  Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just make the weight disappear, but a big part of me is afraid that even if that happens, I will still be sick.  Today I couldn't move my legs again and my eyes keep going cross-eyed.  Its frustrating, but at least I'm done with taking boards.  I survived that much, if only the scores were as instantaneous as the practice exams.  Impatient isn't my middle name, it's my first and it kind of sucks.

Leo

Milk!

Waves

Dia de los Muertos

Deviant Wizard

Mouse!

Look to Heaven

Wyatt, Titi Trish loves you!!

Hey, You!

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