For you

With every pill I swallow, a part of me is suppressed
What is the sacrifice being made for superficial success
To be considered functional in this society, who is there to impress
With every pill I swallow, my soul lives more depressed

And every dream I have, leaves me uneasy with a fear
For I call my nightmares dreams because it's all I hold dear
My subconscious mind emerges though horrors I will see
At least it's some sort of truth of what still lies in me

Who am I today, who am I tomorrow
Smiling through a million tears, pained with such sorrow
For everyone's sake, I keep my mask well fit
To let them see what's forsaken me? It's selfishness.

End of March

You Know My Name

You don't know me, but you know my name
When did this happen, this fall from grace
You see my eyes, my soul disappears
In my disguise I hide years of fears
You can't see me- for who I really am
Your eyes deceive you and you mind condemns
If you don't understand it
How can you love it
If you can't embrace it
How can you appreciate
Time comes slowly
Time comes so slowly
When will I be able to speak again
When will I be able to see me
I can't fathom this disgust I'm in
So how can I blame you to not trust in me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I'm standing still so no one sees my pain
Smiles and laughter the cowards way out
I smile and I laugh because I'm dying
Slowly, hearing the bell tower toll
Seething in the blistering cold
You don't know me, but you know my name
When did this happen, this fall from grace 

Strangers Now

Past lives seem to haunt me
Making my dreams feel I'm crazy
So many strangers now they've become

What happened to friendships forever
Or was that promise really just shallow
Too many times I've closed my eyes
To ignore the things I've left behind

I'm sorry so please forgive me
I know it's my fault
I know it's all my fault
I'm sorry so please forgive me
I brought this on myself
It was selfish, oh so selfish

I try to place the blame on you
I try to point the finger but it's a mirror I see
So many times my mind explores
What could have been
What should have been
But that's what my nightmares are made of

I'm sorry, so please forgive me
I know it's all my fault
That we're strangers now

Withered Weather

Swaying in dance the clouds never seem to clear over the times that we move

Clearly the sun has hidden it's face today for no reason that we can say

Sometimes we dance in the rain between raindrops we crave

The enjoyment of what the sky presents for tomorrow doesn't always allow

A new ecstasy that we can breathe in for the day's long and short

For the days, for the days are long and short

And the moon's coward grace – humbled during the day's grandiose existence

Finds it's way to lighten the darkest skies

Back at it

Coping

there's a beauty in my morbid coping ways
you see damaged flesh while i see pain dissipate
for the numbness gets released with each cut
the pain is then lost and I become distraught

for nothing compares to the relief this brings
no music no song no friendly givings
the wounds will heal the scars will stay
for a short while then they they'll fade

and back to the we go through the cycle it seems
of passionate to's and fro's in such extremes

Fuck you

I hate so much that I feel numb inside
I don't want to be so angry so instead I allow there to be a void where happiness once was
Unfortunately sadly disgustingly .. this is not a pin point situation
Instead it blankets everything
and it all is buried
And this throat of line cannot swallow
how dare I give the satisfaction of relief
Tears I force to hold inside
Anger that I'm afraid to feel
Empty is all that I will allow
And selfish is who I am

Truth

I guess my mind really is all messed up. How depressing is it to know that you have poor coping skills? To know that not everyone responds to situations the way you do. That people actually can get through things that seem like a dark scary abyss to me. I've always been different. I am different.

Sleep

Sleep is very underrated. I slept all day today. I feel really good. And not that manicky good. Just normal.good. I'm not angry, sad, paranoid. I'm just me. Existing like I should. I love my kids and they didn't drive me crazy when I was awake. I actually wanted to be around them. It's sad that I even say that, but yes, I avoid them as much as I avoid my husband. Everything angers me. I'd rather just hide my wrath from everyone by staying away. Today I didn't. I loved my family and showed it. I didn't hide - once I actually got some sleep!

Newlings 3 from 11th

Newlings 2 from 11th

Newlings 1 from 11th

Nobody

I'm hearing voices it seems
At times clear and not
But whobdo I tell
Fir those that understand
Could cost me my living
And those I love are at a loss
Nobody exists physically in this world
That I can find comfort in

What am I supposed to do?
I truly don't want to live
I'm almost at the point of selfishness
And desperate enough
To find a way out
The night before last
I finally understood why ppl hang themselves
I choked myself and it was serene
And then I gasped and I cried
And cried and cried

Yesterday I was numb
I was heavy and my muscles ached
I wanted it over

Post mania

I was on call last night. I also had been awake since 2am. Yeah, I know. Stupid ass me. It is what it is. Being on call made my mind race, so I got hyper and ocd. I was multitasking and doing what I had to. Consequences ensue. I became slowly hypomanic on the bus ride Hoke. Acting out would land me in the hospital. I had no choice but to hold it in. It hurts. Its sensory overload. All I could see was crushing my skull, oiling the ppl next to me. Slicing my skin anywhere I could find. It hasn't been this intense in a long time. Even right now as I type my body is shivering. Its the hangover. I finally was able to let go.some when I got in the car. Jason per usual just told me to calm down. Sometimes I wish he would just learn to hold me when I get this way instead of walking away. It makes it all hurt more. I was almost catatonic. He undressed me. I sat on the toilet and cried. I wished I had ling nails bc I was scraping at me back and neck and that help alleviate the intensity. I punched myself multiple times with both my fist. It was mostly to my forehead tho. I guess I'm not strong enough to leave bruises. He brought me clothes and just left them next to me in the bathroom. I cried.more. I finally went numb. The meds kicked in. I grabbed the clothes and laid down. I couldn't standard the feeling of anything on my skin. He couldn't understand. He left to go eat. He left to go eat. He left. I was curled up on the bed. Slowly calming down. I drifted and the voices started to be audible. I don't remember what they said. I know I answered them. My memory is not right. He didn't hear me. He put me aside because he didn't know what to do. I need someone to help me get through these times. I can't do it alone. I guess I have to learn how to do it for myself.

The time

I finally know when the time is
I finally got the message I was waiting for.
They'll be taken care of
They'll understand one day
Everyone will be happy
And I won't have to feel this darkness anymore.

Tale

Stranger days and strangers tonight
Face is known well, but not to my sight
Circles I ran, but me they still find
Screeching, "Empty the crowded mind!"
Laughter enclosed in my skull so tight
A horror, a nightmare, it's one of a kind

As my eyes swell, my throat tightens
They know the secrets of what most frightens
Pulling the strings, control escapes
Souls so lost, disappeared agape
The darkness thickens, no light can brighten
Deny the reality of this horrid fate

Trials to strengthen, weakness prevails
Masked hope in close distance - to no avail
Searching the skies for what looks like years
Trying to stand in the rushing waters of tears
This is no lie, but heart crushing tale
This is no lie, but my heart crushing tale

Don't mess with donuts

And no one sees the pain, I hide behind my eyes

And no one feels the aches, that I hold in my throat

And no can seem to know, why my blood pours

And no can read the words, that I've clearly written out

Have I been encrypted to a point beyond of recognition

That no one can sense an iota of desperation, I'm at the last resort 

Puppet master pull the strings

On this last line, I'm barely hanging

My mind, my mouth-
They're not my own;
My body, my emo-tions-
They're being controlled.
What is this that's going on
In supposedly me?
Why is it that this universe
Is acting so hauntingly?
Slowly being possessed by,
creatures, unheard and unseen;
Defiling my fond memories,
erasing my haven, so serene.