Sunday, July 31, 2011

Leaving Bradenton

I caught myself crying last night

Saying goodbye to a small town where so many big events took place for me

My 3 youngest were born here

I met the love of my life and married him here

I encountered some of the most challenging parts of my life here and overcame them

This little town where my oldest first went to school and had her first best friend

Where I first learned to be self sufficient and be a full time mom and student

Off to bigger and brighter things!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Personal Statement for Psychiatry

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” -Galileo

There is a family friend who was suffering from depression and refused to seek help.  When I asked him why, he gave the answer I was expecting; because he was a man and men don’t cry.  I explained to him that just like he couldn’t wish away his atherosclerosis, he couldn’t make his depression disappear by thinking happy thoughts.  It is a disease that must be treated through lifestyle changes starting with psychotherapy and with medications.  After much more discussion, he agreed to be admitted to the VA hospital and seek treatment.
It was during this time that I was debating on which field in medicine was right for me.  I have always been interested in human behavior and how the mind reacts to disease, but this was the first time that I had a clear vision for myself – Psychiatry.  I made a connection to this man that others did not.  I was able to help him see depression as a disease and not a negative stigma.  While I have accomplished teaching people about systemic diseases like diabetes and their complications, nothing gave me the satisfaction that I felt when relating to this man.
Psychiatry stood out from all other rotations because of the rapport I developed with my patients.  I never had a sense of uneasiness when talking to my patients about the intimate details of their lives.  Like a surgeon, I enjoy seeing results in a short amount of time but like an internist, I want to develop a long term relationship with my patients.  Psychiatry offers that specific type of relationship that I seek.  Variety is another aspect of psychiatry that intrigues me.  There are no two mental health patients that are identical which leads to a myriad of combinations of treatments, from psychotherapy to psychopharmacology.  The last aspect of choosing a profession was ensuring that I would be interested in long-term learning.  Whether it is through pursuing a fellowship, or keeping up to date with journals and the latest research, psychiatry is the field where I will grow for myself and can also add my perspective to the profession.
Once I have had finished my residency, I plan on continuing my education with a fellowship in Child Psychiatry.  Children have always fascinated me, especially with how they develop emotionally and socially.  Having children of my own, I often found myself enthralled with how siblings with the same upbringing can have such different personalities.  This was further confirmed when I did my rotation in a Child Crisis Center.  I felt as though I was able to relate to the adolescents with whatever issues that brought them to our service.  I was an active listener and made a conscientious effort to not behave in any way that may be considered judgmental.
My desire to learn, ability to adapt to any situation, compassionate nature, and my flexible demeanor are qualities that will make me an excellent resident.  I look forward to working in a program that provides me with a wide range of experience in psychotherapy and psychopharmacology as both are equally important. I hope that it will enhance my capabilities in becoming a great psychiatrist.

Asleep In Dreams

let me sleep
let me disappear for an hour
under the rain I feel completely
completely headed for a detour
where can we go now

cursed is the sunlight
that's tearing at the seams
cursed is this daylight
that's ending all my dreams

Lions are crossing the street
kangaroos beat box a fly beat
Cats meow my name
and I wake up
to the alarm clock

cursed is the sunlight
that's tearing at the seams
cursed is this daylight
that's ending all my dreams

Here We Go Again....

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Craving A_vice

I almost wished I had a vice of some sort
Something that I guiltless and recklessly fall into
Anytime things get difficult complicated
Like a needle in my arm

I crave the mental anguish depression brings
Its a sickness to love to be sick
I know you'll never understand but that's ok
Because this heroine has me so high

Another drink yes and please
I mind my manners though I may be lush
I have tears enough for you
And I know how to share
...take a sip.

She Drew This

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Corona Chatting

I'm sitting here, enjoying my Corona - which I pour into a wine glass because I'm a classy bitch like that - and I'm wondering I have a lot to say.  First off, this whole parenting thing is so overrated.  If you think having kids is a chore then you should just sterilize yourself now and do the world of favor and not raise the next serial killer.  Seriously, yeah they drive you insane, but not one day of insanity has made me ever regret being a parent.  If it ever does, I just take a happy pill because obviously my mind is playing cruel jokes on me.  Side note, my mind plays jokes on me quite often, it's why I am on medication.  You see for those that have never experienced hearing voices and seeing people's faces morph into their true demon form, you have no idea what it's like to have a mind which you don't control.  A mind should never play tricks on you, ever.
Anyway, parenting, being a mom, being a mom and wife.  Now that's the funniest thing ever, me being a wife.  Me being married.  I don't think anyone that has known me long enough would have ever seen me as being a wife, a mom yes, but not someone's wife.  I don't think the word marriage - hold on, need a drink - ever entered my conscious or even my subconscious.  It was just never something that merited any weight as to being something positive.  My mother wasn't married, my grandmother wasn't, and mostly no one in my family really ever had a huge big deal about getting married either.  I mean I have cousins that are married and aunts and uncles, but it was never an emphasis, not like you see on T.V. anyway.
Now I am a wife, but first I was a mother, and before that I was Patricia.  I'm pretty sure I'm still her just older and wiser but still full of all the mischief *insert winky smiley face here*.  I have a pretty good husband if I do say so myself.  He's loving, funny, and, to be utterly frank, great in bed *insert winky smiley face here*.  for anyone interested, the most memorable moment I have with him is probably every moment.  It's like we're a fucking comedy series or something.  More on that to come later, right now I want to enjoy my buzz.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

0 Calories

Can I take an escalator to the top of that mountain?
I'm just feeling so lazy today, but I still want to see the view that so many brag about.
Can I have a taste of that cherry without chewing?
I'm feeling a bit too lazy today, but that cherry just looks so damn sweet.

Will you call me if I think of it?
My phone is just too far from my reach but I would love to hear your voice.
Will they come find me if I decided to go into hiding?
I want to be needed but I just don't want to be there for everyone.

I want my cake and eat it without any effort, or rather no calories.

Seeing Red

Missing You

I see you in every forgetful face
Inside all the confused glares
I wonder if I could have changed your mind
From wasting slowly away

You left me an empty house
full of mosquito bites
and Spiders that would terrify a giant
An empty house I've avoided
because then I would have to face reality
that you're in a place
where I can't go and visit
to give you a hug and have you ask me
"who are you?"

Synthetic Smiles

My smile come from the pits of a zebra

From its stomach comes a brew

Of end the sadness serum

With a dash of eyes wide open

And a pinch if calm so I can blink

My laughs are my own

Though a rarity at times

At least they're genuine

But my smiles are fabricated

Synthetically produced

Defined by the masses

Because I just want to experience

Being a normal human

Saturday, July 9, 2011


Beyond Status Quo

No shadows to, to scare me
Tears stained on, on my cheeks
Weighing heavy are all these empty scenes

Cold air choking, choking my chest
I can pretend, pretend with the best
What kind of sick joke is this, supposed test?

Limp and lifeless lies the body that lies
Music can't amplify the downtrodden smile
In silence the junkie lies til the next fix

Because, I can pretend, pretend that I'm not pretending
Because, I have reasons, that satisfy the status quo
Because, I shouldn't be thinking of these thoughts
That should never cross my mind in the first place

Friday, July 8, 2011

Missing Clouds

Spinning on a cloud
which ways up or down
we don't mind
which way we'll end up
we go on living
we go on breathing
who cares where
we may end up
who knows where
we may end up

sometimes I think I hear you
whispering into my ear
you sound so clear
and when I turn around 
I can see
that you're not here
you're not here
I miss you so much
It makes me torn inside
Wish you were here
and maybe you are

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Have I completely lost my mind yet?

this pain like a stabbing
into my eyes
into my ears
all you say
all i hear
this pain is a stabbing
into my mind
juggling my thoughts
coercing me to think
about things unspoken
sing songs
about days long gone
this pain makes me bleed

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Only Mountains

Only mountains can see
How far the river flows
Only mountains can see
How deep my love goes

Can you realize
what my heart posses
Let us commence
This journey home

Only clouds can count
The raindrops in the sea
Only clouds can count
How much you mean to me

Do you understand
What my soul sought was you
Let us breathe in each other
Let us be in each other
Like only one soul can live

Only mountains can see
How far the river flows
Only mountains can see
How high my love grows