Thursday, August 27, 2009

Smiles I win

When the world seems to be getting the best of me
When my fake smiles become unbearable
That's when on cue your face appears
And my stress becomes so easily forgettable

I could tell you a hundred times that I love you
But those words fall short to what I mean
I lost you once before and won't risk that again
So my heart stays quiet and I keep going

Knowing you're with someone that makes you laugh
Makes me glow, though I didn't tell the joke
Because our friendship I want for it to forever last
Even if I'm not the one standing on your pedestal

I may not be the one you dream of
But I'm the one you call when you awake
You may not be the one I lay down with
But you're the first to know when my heartaches

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things Are Great

Drowning under falling waters
Just trying to forget
Sweet slumber come save me
From my need to forgive

The tears won't stop from coming
And to my thoughts I submit
Constantly wondering what will happen
If the truth I were to admit

Because right now, denial's my best friend
And each day, its getting harder to lie
The more I, hide behind the laughter
The more I, feel myself die

Sun burn away the cold
That has entrapped my heart
Rain wash away the fear
That has me falling apart

Damaged are my memories
Like the first day we met
Your name leaves behind
Such a bittersweet scent

Because right now, denial's my best friend
And each day, its getting harder to lie
The more I, hide behind the laughter
The more I, feel myself die

Monday, August 10, 2009

You're Not There

Your lips are distant, their memory slips away
Your words fade to silence, my head turns gray
Colors once vivid, my heart pounds a song
Yet my throat chokes me, so quickly it goes wrong

Standing firm on the concrete to gliding on clouds
In an instant I'm falling, quickly crashing down
And you're not there, to catch me on my descent
And you're not there, to lay claim to the consequence

Is it instinctual or pure malevolence, forcing me to look back
Soon as I have a grasp on my mind's heart, you bring up the past
False hope empty words, you overflow my wine glass
Drunk with love stories, again a fool for your romance

Your eyes once shined and my smiles became addicted
Your embrace so easily would ease away my conflictions
And you're not there, but I no longer expect you to be
And you're not there, hungover I'll pick up what's left of me

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Choose Where You Live

Complications, what an imagination
Saying you love me, was this a dream
Considerations, no hesitations
Actions turn your words into hypocrisy

Fell in love, with the memory of me
I'm guilty as well of the same thing
For the past can be what we want it to be
Regardless of - facts or reality

And there you go, Once again
Choosing solitude, Over happiness
No translation, to understand
Yet destroying all, that hasn't happened yet

The cracks in the wall won't self repair
The hole in the ground won't be fixed with air
You can go on living in self made despair
But I've chosen to no longer live there

Implications, of ageless temptations
You said the words, I needed to hear
Such frustration, bullshit situation
Your silence now seems to scream of fear

A dark room, of your own making
Come outside open your heart and mind
Take the jump, no safety net needed
I once heard, it's about faith being blind

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Need Music

You were right all along
You were wrong for me
You "tried" to give it a chance
But you were right, now I see

I called your name without expectation
I sought your face in a fading picture
I listened for your voice lies echoed
I searched your warmth in a freezer

You left matter-of-factly
You became a ghost to my cries
Pill after pill to erase you
Hello all! I'm just fine

Curious of your actions meaningless now
Once hurt from rejection, I'm stronger and proud
Meticulously removing aspects of you from my life
Only to have new thoughts renew my strife

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Doe, a Deer, a Female Deer - A DDK story

The drive home from a friend's house sometime holds better stories than the actual gathering. If you were underage and going to drink, two things were obvious. One, you would be better off going off campus. And, two, if you were a typical DDK you needed someone to drive you there and back.

Bill's was the home away from dorm, we all supplied money, and he supplied an apartment. The cherry on top of this delectable relationship, we all got complimented each other. I don't remember there ever being any reason for anyone to fight or argue. Guess that's why stoners and the like were capable of congregating in large packs.

Side note memory: Charlene had a wonderful trick that would indicate she had had her fill when at Bill's. Once she was at the peak of her drinking, she would not just start to sing, but she would fit herself underneath the coffee table. Yes, anyone can fit under a coffee table, but as memory recalls, this was low enough to be limbo dance worthy. And that's where'd you could find her. At Bill's, with her drink, singing, under the coffee table. I only wish there were pictures of this.

Back to the drive: it was nice that the apartments had a back road that connected straight to campus. How all of us packed into PR Chris's car still baffles me, but we did. One drive back is etched permanently in the memory center of my mind. And anytime I recall it, I about piss my pants laughing.

I was in the back seat, Chris was driving, Jess was shotgun. I won't mention who else was in the car, not because I don't care, but because alcohol over the years has taken its toll on my memory. There are woods that surrounded the campus, and it was quite picturesque. Jess was the first to spot a deer coming out of the trees. We, not she, were drunkenly excited to see a live woodland creature. A picture! A picture! Quickly, Jess takes her camera, sets her site on the target, moves in for the kill and BAM! She failed to realize her window in this two door car was not down.

Not only did she smack herself into the window, but remember she was poised for a nature shot. She banged her face with her own camera as well. Sitting directly behind her, I think I was the first to fully appreciate what she had done. And so I laughed, and laughed, and kept laughing. Until everyone in the car, including Jess, were diseased with laughter. Tears upon tears poured down our faces. We were suffocating with our own ridiculousness!

It's not until now that I know that it wasn't so much Jess's face getting planted with her own camera on the window that makes this so hilarious. Rather, the amount of time that we all spent together and the number of jackass things we did in front of each other - no one was ever embarrassed. No one ever hung their head in shame for doing something stupid. Give it a few moments, and someone else with us was likely to do something far more embarrassing anyway.

We tested the limits of our comfort zones. We never ridiculed for the sake of belittling. We ridiculed, yes, but NOT for the sake of belittling. Did we drink? Yes. Did we do it to be comfortable in our own skin? Never. If anything, it was done just to increase the probability of making fools of ourselves for our own entertainment.

Moral of the story: if you see a deer in the woods, make sure your windows down and perhaps there is such a think as contact drunk.

First Kidnapping Trip - A DDK story

"It's the size of my pink nail," I said in awe of the small red square I was given in the elevator of our dorm building. I was instructed to just put it on my tongue and so I did. We were heading to Steak n' Shake to begin our late night. She had a car, she was an exception, and so we headed to the garage. I wondered how long it would take for the chemicals to be absorbed into my bloodstream. I lit a cigarette soon as we got out of the building. More than likely there were other DDK smoking on the porch, it was only around 1am, and we were all night owls. But my memory of the details before the LSD took hold are blurry- I don't even remember ordering any food. I do remember the 2 New Yorkers.

My brain was slowly succumbing to the foreign visitor, and New Yorker 1 and 2 were laughing loudly about their adventures of the night. By this time, bars were closed and people piled in to get a late night drunk feast. We sat there chatting about who knows what when NY1 began to speak to us. His "game" was obvious since I could see the words spill from his mouth and fall flat to the floor. I couldn't help but laugh, he must have thought he had such swagger. But for the sake of entertainment, we humored them. They joined us and we talked, again I have no clue what we went on about. They were still drunk, and well, my mind was slipping off into a land of make believe.

Our evening had just begun and theirs was headed to their beds. She invited them to go on a cruise around town, they foolishly agreed. At this point, we both were behaving pretty sane. So we drove, and the babbling began. They were both in the back seat, and I only remember NY1 because he had long hair. They both spoke Spanish. The stoplights were pouring unto passing cars, and the world seemed perfect. NY1 & 2 asked if we smoked, so they bummed a cigarette, and asked again if we smoked. We looked at each other and laughed.

"Yeah, but not tonight" we offered no further explanation. We just continued to discuss home and travel and about their visit. I must have started to become pretty transparent because NY1 asked, "ok you're not smoking tonight, but what's going on?" Again, we laughed - bordering on hysteria this time because we just the music louder, and I started to sing along. A serenade of the mind fuck we were now in. What time was it anyway?

"This is her first time tripping," she finally gave them a bone to pick at since their curiosity had them salivating.

"Word? Like on acid and shit," NY2's eyes began to laugh as he looked at me and the derangement that was my behavior. It finally made sense, he finally eased up. Both of them did, until she added, "We both are, but this isn't my first time."

I could see fear turning the wheels in their minds. What have they gotten themselves into? Who are these strangers they are riding around with? Two women that they could possibly over power, yet for all they know were serial killers. Oh the joys of youth and foolishness of men who think they know what's going on.

My singing continued, I'm sure so did the conversation. They asked where we were going, I said somewhere that is nowhere and therefore who knows when we'd find it. I was dead serious, and we all laughed. I don't know if the laughing ever stopped. "We have somewhere to go that would blow your mind since you're high," and we arrived at man's home that used colors to make music.

We were thankful for the warning before we met our host. He was a black man whose face had been half blown off by a shotgun. I stared for a few moments, but then ran to the floor of his living room and sat down. There were colors singing to me! Magnificent colors of purple, pink, blue green, just all floating in the air. I heard them all chatter and politely the conversation reached me, but I wanted nothing of it. "Just feed my eyes more music!" I've spoken enough times in my lifetime, and heard enough drabble out of mouths to last two lifetimes. I had nothing to say. What time was it?

She said it was time to head out and experience more since we only had a few hours left. Saddened to leave my singing pictures, I was hoisted from the ground that I had been fixed to. We departed with happy goodbyes and nice to meet you thanks for the show goodday evening adios. Where to? Water.

My cheeks were in the worst of pains from laughing, and our detainees seemed as though they had had enough. True troopers they were, we offered to take them home, but they insisted on continuing on the adventure. Oh what night.. the lyrics tickled my brain. Nothing they said mattered as long as music was playing. I chimed in every now and then with a "bulluckers!" here and there when I heard some bullshit, and she was being the quaint hostess as I was ignorant to any advances.

"We're here!" I opened my door and flew towards the woods. "Wait for me!" She called out, more motherly than as friend that didn't want to miss out. I dead stopped. Frozen in space. Not one muscle moved until I was joined by her, NY1 & 2.

We were at the end of Greek Road, walking through the woods to reach the water. I could feel my heart pounding. "That means you're finally coming down," she informed. "We've got maybe how long then?" She didn't say, knowing that that would ruin any last minute shenanigans.
"Be careful for gators!" I warned NY1 & 2 with a giggle. The fear wheels turned in disbelief. They weren't sure if I was lying. I wasn't going to tell them I was. So I bolted, running in zigzags to keep the creatures away from me. I looked back and suggested that they follow suit. And when they did, I fell on the floor in a hysteria of laughter.

We reached the dock, and I almost began to cry. The moon and the sun were both occupying the sky. It was sad, only twice a day they can see each other. For eternity, this is how they live. It was so quiet, my voice was stolen. Each breeze that blew on my face took my words. They skipped on the water like a stone. The sun was rising and I could feel the heat beat on my chest. "Wow, this place is nice," "SHHH!!!" Fools, such beauty to be disturbed by stating the obvious.

"Stop doing that, you'll hurt your eyes"

"But, look at how the border melts into the water"

"Stop, you'll damage your eyes"

"Fine." But no matter how many times I was scolded or shown something else, my eyes would wander back up. The sun was reading my soul, and hugging my every last breath. I didn't want it to end, but I didn't want to sober up there either. So it was agreed.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

DDK - A Short Intro

If you were a Dirty Dorm Kid, you obviously had to live in the Freshman dorms. However, there were other criteria that for the most part summed us up. You met your friends on the benches for a smoke, you more than likely did not have a car, and you were entertained by things that most people (regardless) of age would never understand the fascination behind.

The entertainment portion of our lives was possibly the most random aspect. From dripping melted Walmart bags to stuffing ourselves into a dryer at the campus laundromat, we were never lacking in amusement. Or how about taking a shower in a broken sulfur water spewing sprinkler? Or jumping into bushes, or rather falling from the laundromat rooftop into a tree? And of course, we had a few activities that fit into a "normal" category such as skating around campus at 3am or well - drinking at Bill's.

I'm still not sure how some of us survived the life threatening antics we constantly paraded ourselves in, but we did. And now years later, it's about time the stories are shared. Some mundane, some outrageous, all of it experienced first hand by DDK.

Give it to the Water

Hear the midnight breezes whisper
Your head lies upon the sand
Drift sleepily lest you slip away
Do not reach for my hand

For the ocean home calls your secret
And weary souls can no longer deny
Salted waters come cleanse this body
Erase all the world has defied

White sands minuscule pall bearers
In millions such power and strength
To carry this ragged vessel out slowly
Determined to exorcise the pains

Know nothing of fear and breathe
Allow the tears to mix with the sea
Bones tremble as temperature lowers
That past you know now release