Monday, October 31, 2011


Sometimes I look like I dont give a damn
These times of disinterest, I need your hand
Because ghost arent all that can haunt me at night
My past it chokes me til I can see heaven's light

And I'm screaming the tears away
Can no one see my anguish and pain
Selfishly thinking I'm pouring out
Just to seek attention, they've no doubt
And I'm screaming the tears away
Clawing at myself trying to numb the pain

You use the eyes of an outsider
Never question what's wrong inside her
She does it to herself, self inflicting the burn
Attention seeking they say, so no heads turn

Opened my eyes in time to realize
Most are as lost, if not worse off than me
Sometimes I wonder I must have found favor
To have made it a midst all these razors

And I'm screaming the tears away
Can no one see my anguish and pain
Selfishly thinking I'm pouring out
Just to seek attention, they've no doubt
And I'm screaming the tears away
Clawing at myself trying to numb the pain
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That is my mother's solution to my depression, get motivated. Its as pointless as telling someone with aortic stenosis to stop getting dizzy. She means well I am sure, I just wish she had a clue. I wish I didn't get so pissed off at her. I have to keep reminding myself that she means well, and that is not am easy thing to do.

I am sitting on the swing that is in the back porch, blogging from my phone. I wish I had something poignant to say, but in all honesty I just feel empty, guilty, and a bit bitter. I see people around me get through ups and downs and not have much change in their life. They do not have to deal with the regret of their thouht content. They probably do not even know that there is content separate from their thoughts.

Are you currently suicidal? No. Have you recently? That is not an easy question to answer. You see, I'm never suicidal, but I think of my death quite often. I will state time and time again, if it were not for my kids and my fear of what my death would do to them, I would have attempted it by now.

My four angels, my reason for living. My babies. And, as life would have it, I've become quite attached to my hubby. It took a long time for me to believe that he loves me, and now that I do, he gets put into the equation of guilt as well. My parents I'm sure would feel horrible if I were to die, but I can't say I really care. Its good for them that I grew up fearing death more than life. Maybe I have developed Borderline PD.

I was not always like this, you know. I was a happy kid, or so I've been told. Pictures don't lie; then again its just a snapshot of a single moment. I was pretty aware of myself as being an individual at a very young age. I can only assume that I could have easily lied to a camera with a simple "cheese."
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In the Shower

Overly sensitive? Possibly.  Lately people's comments to my stuff on facebook was as bad as being stabbed in the trachea with a red hot blade.  Why?  I know why, but whatever.  Not posting on facebook is my own way of self harm I guess.  Kind of like when an inmate refuses to take their insulin because they're pissed at a CO.  They're not hurting anyone, but it gives a sense of control of sorts.  I wish I wasn't so scared to write my unfiltered thoughts.  The thoughts I have when I'm screaming and crying in the shower.  The thoughts I have when I fantasize about my razor.  Yeah, those thoughts.  It's not a cry for help.  I write because I can only listen to my voices for so long.  If I'm dictating to myself at least everything is more controlled.  The thoughts aren't so left field and the end product doesn't leave me feeling as guilty.

I wonder what people think of me.  She writes to get attention, all she wants is attention.  Maybe that's true, then again, maybe they can just go fuck themselves.

I can't afford to dress my kids up for Halloween and it sucks.  I feel even worse because I know hubby feels ever worse about it.  You see how easily I can go into a cycle?  I have an appointment today with a new doctor today.  I'm hoping just get all the bullshit straightened out in my head.  Even if it does mean taking more or new meds.  I hate how I feel on them, but at least I can function.  And at least I can look at my kids without crying or yelling.  If chemical restraints are what is necessary to be a "healthy" mom for my kids, then so be it.

I should also say goodbye.  Once I start on meds again, the writing has a tendency to slow down if not stop entirely.  
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Diva's Challenge #46 - Halloweenangle

Funds are low so I had to use a blue ink pen.. nonetheless, Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I Sing

All these recordings, Playing in my head
All these recordings, Wishing me dead

All of these voices, Trampling my mind
All of these voices, Words so unkind

I sing of suicide
I sing of mental death
I sing of anxieties
I sing of a life depressed

I can sing of all the anguish that my life brings me down
I'm walking across the stage, waiting for the water to drown

all of these souls
all of them grieve
hear them clearly
as I breathe

Chances gone
never to be found
Nothing but this darkness
is what surrounds

I sing of suicide
I sing of a mental death
I sing of anxieties
Of the ghosts that keep me depressed

All these recorded, thoughts float inside
All these years, but the cure did subside
Take these pills, swallow them whole
Just to be normal, here and at home

Friday, October 28, 2011

This is My Story, For You

Today was very difficult for me.  A woman came at lunch to speak about domestic violence and it took every ounce of my being to not break down and cry in front of everyone.  It's been over 3 years since I got out, but I'm still haunted by the feelings of fear and inadequacy.  I survived almost 7 years of being in an abusive relationship.  I thought I got out unscathed.  Anytime someone talks about women getting hurt by someone that they are supposed to trust, I break down into tears.  I still have flashbacks of his open hand, of looking in the mirror wondering "will that leave a bruise?"  Wondering, maybe he'll get into a car accident and die today.  I prayed for him to die so I could escape.  I can see how murder seems to be the only way out for some women.  You really pent up a lot of anger and hate towards someone that is supposed to care about you.

My oldest was 4 months old when he first hit me, the yelling and screaming was a daily occurrence by then.  He laughed saying I walked into his closed fist. I WALKED INTO A CLOSED FIST!  And I was in shock. I actually let myself believe that that was what happened.  I felt so ashamed that I ostracized myself from my closest friends.  I didn't know if they saw what he did to me, but I was so scared that they would find out that I was ALLOWING someone to treat me like garbage.  So I stopped hanging out.  Then I started to wonder if anyone even cared.  Why did no one SAY anything?  Was I hiding the abuse that well?

And yes, it did go get to the point that I knew it was abuse, but I was terrified of leaving.  HE'D KILL ME if I ever left.  He threatened any guy I spoke to.  He accused me of trying to hook up with guys behind his back.  And I made up excuse after excuse and convinced myself, if I PRAY HARDER then God will change him.  So I prayed, and prayed and prayed for God to change him.  And I thought that staying would be a testament to my faith.

I was FOOLED.  I was BRAINWASHED. I was TERRIFIED.  Even after I was taken to the hospital and my sweet innocent children saw me with a bloody nose, I tried to make it work out.  And finally I realized that all the praying I was doing for change - it happened.  I CHANGED.  I decided come hell or high water, let him try and kill me if that was what was going to happen.  I WAS DONE.  No more slapping me until I was covered in black and blue.  No more throwing me down the stairs.  No more pinning me down. NO MORE.

Knowing now what it feels like to be in a great relationship where I'm loved and respected makes me even angrier that I allowed anyone to control me the way that I allowed for in the past.  It angers me to the nth degree when I see people that I love and care about be in a relationship that is so similar to what I went through.  To hear the stories that he hit her, he picked her up by her neck, he threatens her, I just want to kidnap them away!  When I cry from the flashbacks, the tears I shed are for them also.  THE TEARS I CRY ARE FOR YOU! If you're reading this, and you think I'm talking about you - I AM.  Get out, GET OUT!

There is someone that God has for you that will treat YOU LIKE A QUEEN! That would never fathom to raise their voice or hand at you.  That would never insult you, threaten you, or make you feel worthless.  GET OUT while you have a chance.  Don't let the fantasy he feeds fool you like it fooled me for so long.  A real man will not PROMISE you a fantasy, a real man will PROVE it to you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Diva's Challenge #43- Punzel

the tangle reminded me of a rare flower of sorts, so that's what I attempted to do w it :)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Turtle Suit Cure and "Tad"

Suicide Protection Gown and Blanket
When an inmate is suicidal, they are admitted into the Y-dorms aka Self Harm Observation Section (SHOS).  They are further stripped of their own identity and made so wear a dark green shroud.  Maybe shroud is the wrong word.  Imagine a dark green hospital gown without sleeves and is somehow padded.  In order to wear it, the turtle suit must be attached by velcro.  (See picture). To add to the comfort of an inmates new living quarters they are given a matching padded blankets and twin sized plastic mattress on the floor.  Like they're not depressed already.  Forget meds, these guys are acutely suicidal.  One inmate was admited to the Y dorms last night and miraculously after one night in that turtle hell he was cured.  When asked how he was feeling, he was just fine and ready to return to general population.  I'm telling you, all you need is a night in a turtle suit to cure you of suicidal tendencies!  His neighboring inmate was not as blessed.

We had two follow ups and an admit today.  I'll tell you about the more interesting case that also let me show off some skills on my psychotropic knowledge.  Let's call him Tad (don't ask, I like the name and it suits him).
It wasn't until his first visit to a juvenile detention center, at age 8, that it was discovered that he was schizophrenic.  He's been in and out of facilities since then.  He presented to us today for severe akathisia, which is a movement disorder side effect of his antipsychotic medication.  He was on such a low dose of antipsychotics because of his movement disorder that he was having active audio visual hallucinations while being interviewed.  I genuinely felt bad for him.  I have no clue what he did to arrive at the prison, nor do I really care.  I did care however that the residents were contemplating on giving him a new medication to control his movements not realizing that a side effect of it was to cause or worsen psychosis!  So yes, I said something to that effect.  One resident immediately got out his Synopsis of Psychiatry to look it up for himself and low and behold there it was in black and white.  One point med student.  I continued by making mention of another (cheap formulary) medication that was used to treat the movement disorder that had minimal side effects, a beta blocker.  And yes, it felt great that when they were on the computer googling it they found recommendations stating that a trial a beta blockers be done for akathisia. Two points.

Needless to say, besides flat out falling asleep at my chair this morning even after having coffee, it felt good to show that I knew something and am more than just an observing student.  Also, I look forward to following Tad's case.  Interesting doesn't even scratch the surface on this guy.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Get Out of Jail Free Card

So today was my official first day at the prison. It was full of informational information like, don't get manipulated by someone that's drug seeking aka someone that says that they're a bipolar schizophrenic.  They indeed have instead FOS syndrome -_-.  Though I only observed two inmate/patient encounters, it was not a day without its memorable moments.  Like when one of the attendings asked the Jewish resident about details in the book of Revelations.  The response, "The Jew doesn't know."  That was only one of that many one liner jokes thrown out there today.  I wrote some down, if I remember I'll post them later.

Needless to say, it was quite uncomfortable when I went to get my ID badge.  Having to wait in a large room full of a myriad of convicts in varying degrees of dress (naked to assigned blues) was quite an unnerving experience. Especially when you KNOW they are staring at you and you obviously are walking around like a bumbling idiot because you're so nervous about the place you are in.

Apparently during morning report, we were informed that it's no big deal if you don't remember the inmates that go to the names that you're talking about because afterall "we're in the business of processing human units."  Yes, since this is a reception center (inmates come here from their original destination to their new location) and this is a state prison, were I have learned you lose all sense of self and have all human rights removed.  You are degraded by being yelled at and told when to eat sleep and shit.

The state prison is no joke, and the inmates know this.  You would think that with this much traffic there would be hell broken loose at the drop of a hat.  It's surprisingly organized.  Through the chaos of corrections officers telling inmate to hurry the fuck up and get their shit together, intakers yelling out inmate names as though she were calling cattle to the slaughter, there's a system that works.

As far as the people I'll be working with, well, they are what high school nerds grow up to be.  I mean who works 20 years as an ophthalmologist, retires, goes to law school and then goes into a psych residency? One of the residents, that's who.  The other isn't any better.  He worked as an assistant district attorney, retired and went to med school.  He has children my age.  They are quirky though awkward and they do help the down time go bye.  Can't really complain since they let me bullshit on the computer when I'm bored.

All in all not the worst of first days, but I'm hoping to report back on more excitement.   

Makeup in Prison

So I am contemplating on whether wering makeup to the prison is a bad idea or not. I mean is it vain of me to think that wearing it will really make a difference? Is it not bad enough that I am of the few females already there? This is, if nothing else, definitely a unique experience.
Yesterday, I couldnt help but notice that most of the female staff had something strange about them. Was it a requirement? Or, did their work make them that way? I wish I could give an example, but I cant. It was just that something was a little off about them.

On another note, I actually had a nightmare about my test scores. And some exercise for me to not be afraid of my ex and all the things he could do to hurt me. 337 came up twice in a row in said dream-mare. Also, something w a 4, and fractions like 1/10. Weird.
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Out of Coma into Nightmare

These are the days that most suck because its when I realize that the only reason I am sane most days is because I'm being medicated.  I ran out of one and stopped another pill.  I want to cry myself into nothingness right now. I don't care about anything else other than my head won't stop spinning and I don't fit into these clothes.  I'm overweight and can't stop thinking about when it all just went downhill.  There was no set anniversary date.  It all just seemed to creep up on me.  The only benefit of not being on any meds right now is that i'm writing and feeling every word that I type.  I'm out of my coma................but what kind of life is this?  Which is the lesser of two evils?  To live with a fake smile to get through each day meanwhile being comatosed, or to be sincerely sad and want the world to stop spinning?  I love them I do, but I am useless to them in this form. I'm useless and nearing the brink of hopeless as well.  I don't want to cry, but I can't help it.  I haven't cried in months.  I haven't felt emotions in months.  I'm back to awake, but the nightmare has just begun.  

Monday, October 17, 2011

Diva's Challenge #44- Tangled on the Inside

Since I have a tendency to go overboard and I am still just learning all the tangles, I decided to try and keep this simple.  I'm happy with the outcome :)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Happiness Rhymes with Emptiness

Dangerous are the waters of my mind
Dare you touch the skin that lives inside 
Thoughts unbearable in a life so sublime
Only heavy shadows here reside

Hold onto broken promises,
Pieces of truths glued again.
Cutting myself on the remnants,
I'm sorry I'm such a pessimist.
But these words ring loud...
Can't deafen the sound...

Voices in my head, toxins they spread.
Shifting in my seat, and pounding defeat.
In circles I run around, in my ocean underground.
Drowning slowly away, still finding my way.
Out of this skin...
That I'm forced in...

No, I'm not depressed, not living in some emptiness.
Yes, I'm frustrated, happiness is overrated.

Amy for Claudia

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Family Found

I love my family, and by that I don't mean just my husband and kids or even my parents.  I was fortunate enough to be raised with my cousins and just recently I found them all on Facebook.  Thank you technology! If you read my previous post, you know that I've been feeling pretty miserable with my life.  Just dealing with the down effects of having Bipolar Disorder I guess.  Nonetheless, finding my cousin and her siblings was one of the most meaningful times in my life.  It's right up there with giving birth to my monsters.  There's nothing like family to make you feel like you're not the only one in this world.  To share the same bloodline as someone else, there's really no way to explain it.  If you don't have that relationship with someone that is a blood relative I truly feel sorry for you.  Nothing can replace the feeling that no matter how you feel and how ostracized you feel from the rest of the world, you have a group you belong to.  Isn't that what we look for in life anyway? To have a group or place that we feel like we belong in; it is for me.  I just found my missing links and I couldn't be happier.

Diva's Challenge #43- Sunflower Fund

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thoughts I won't put on my status but will in my blog

Do you ever wonder if your life was a mistake? Like all the good things that you have are actually meant for someone else and you just accidentally got it instead. #Imamistake

I want to stop existing a lot of times, but having my family keeps me here. #suicide

I listen to depressing music when I'm depressed so I can feel more depressed. #wayoflife

I lie to myself on a daily basis. #selfhate

I usually feel really stupid, so I like when I find out I'm smarter than someone.  #insecurenarcissist

There are very few days that pass by that I don't fantasize about cutting myself...again. #cutter

I've been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I.  I get severely depressed if I'm not on my meds and I have extreme hallucinations of people turning into demons.  #paranoidpsycho

I have no enemies... I wish I did. #selffulfilledprophecy

I want to be a good Christian woman.. but I want to hate people. #confused

I'm scared of being angry at God. #religion

I'm in love with a man that loves me more than I love myself. #selfloathe

Since I can't be thankful, I pretend I am. #fakeittilyoumakeit

I'm ashamed of most of the things on this page. #realme

Friday, October 7, 2011

No Words

And they won't hear you scream
With his hand over me
And you'll clean the bloody mess
And his forgiveness you'll accept
Sweeter words never spoken
Though his hands grasped and choked
And your head hit the stairs
Blacked out you lied there
I can hear my name called now
But no one will hear you shout
Dwindled to no self worth
Belittled to believe the words
Whore idiot stupid fuck
Til the first hand was struck
Upon her face bright lights shine
Those are sirens outside

Thursday, October 6, 2011

In A Box

Stored away is the vast world we once knew
Trying to salvage that time in our youth
Where we didn't dream because life was grand
And sleep was just for the weary at hand

Where water had their magick ways
And we'd dance night into days
And despite all our illnesses
We had no use for their medicines

While they looked in, we looked out
We could walk on wind, we had no doubt
There were never rules but endless truths
In the garden, where Adam never ate Eve's fruit

The smoke we exhaled cleared our eyes
The sand helped welcome each sunrise
Barefoot we each paved the road
Hand in hand we would tread home

And though memories seem a bit askew
That was the life that I once knew
Through fanfares, ballads, and suicides
The past is who I'm left to hide

Each pill swallowed, is a memory erased
Each bottle thrown away, is time replaced
The smiles I own are manufactured
And how I crave to hear their laughter

The Headache

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Blessed Beyond Measure

I'd count my blessings, but there'd be no time
Enough allowed to count them all
I'd show you my fortunes, but you'd need the eyes
To see not what the world gives worth

Because I'm..

Blessed beyond measures
Nothing I own
Compares to the love
That I've been shown
Because the Lord's forgiven
Through His story known
That He pured us of sin
In Him we've grown

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Swallowing Normalcy

My thoughts are under arrest
Found guilty on all charges
Due to my plea of insanity
Imprisoned in their own home
To chaotically bounce off walls
Never to be allowed out
Each swallow of a pill
Is a reminder
of the true cost of normal

Monday, October 3, 2011


She smiles blankly at the sky
Not understanding why people wish to die
When the sun is shining and there's a nice breeze
Why leave earth without a disease?

She smiles at me with that same blank stare
Not knowing I have thoughts I'll never share
She thinks that with a hug all can be healed
So I smile kindly and let her believe

That dreams are full of rainbows and unicorns
and that nightmares are as rare as a leprechaun
That Santa brings toys at Christmas
And that parents stay together forever
That everyone scores straight As
And that no one is teased for being different
That the tooth fairy left her the money
And that innocence can never be destroyed

Her world is perfect
Her world is serene
Who am I to damage
A life so pristine?

Diva's Challenge #42 - Hope

Hope - to expect with confidence. 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Misery, back from vacation

I'm on clearance

I am restlessly searching for the person everyone sees in me
I'm praying for half the faith they have in me or so it seems
Because everyday it gets harder for me to see
this fantastic person they say resides within me

I am not trying to sell myself short, but I do feel like I'm on clearance

I wake up in the morning
Wondering why has God brought me to another day
I can't sleep at night
For fear of my own thoughts
of negativity
and self hate

I don't want to be this way,
screw the fountain of youth
I'm looking for the fountain of truth
Tell me why am I here
When everyday I want to crawl out of this skin.