Thursday, December 10, 2009

Alley Strolling

Asking for directions, but my mouth does not move
Can anyone understand the sounds my eyes make?
I'm looking around, but there are no translators,
Each step gets louder, and the darkness muffles my words.
I feel the humid air glazed onto my skin
My breath deepens and tears perplex their thoughts
Perceptions deceive the talking heart
And ready are the culprits to take full advantage
Fingers make love to strings, palms dance upon drums
And the mind travels to timeless times
Here my night proceeds taking cue from no one
Jealousy rings loudly upon soulless ears
Satisfaction is a myth to their bellies
My hands reach out and grasp the smoke
Of burnt out fires whose scent is all but gone
Where am I going...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hero In

Staring at the needle stuck in my arm
Waking up to fuzzy memories
Scent of sweat in the air is unfamiliar
And I can't seem to move my legs

Light pierces my eyes mercilessly
Jackhammers deafen my ears
There must be a door somewhere
Footsteps are slowly approaching

Then some lips make my neck their home
And soon enough they find mine
Instincts take over and I follow
As I breathe in memories of the night

Questions become jarbled pictures
Answers all seem irrelevent
Lost time now forever forgotten
Let me enjoy this fog I'm in

Heavy weight lifted via single injection
Unsolicited pleasures fill my chest
The butterflies are free to escape now
But instead they continue chaotically

Dangerous lines have been crossed
When dreams blend nightmares together
Time will show as wrinkles do age
Of what is to become of all this

Sunday, September 27, 2009

About Time

It's about time, that I think about me
And when it's about me, I think of my three
Look to the future, learned from the past
All wounds heal, though scars may last

There's no time to let myself wasting time thinking about you
There's no room in my heart to be aching with what you've done to me
No nothing in this world is worth hanging on to
Especially, the person you've shown yourself to be
'Cause its about time

This morning I smiled because I knew I was moving on
This afternoon I enjoyed the sun as it tickled my skin
Tonight I laid down to dream of the possibilities
And thankfully, you were nowhere to be seen

It's about time that I start thinking about me
And when I think of me that counts my 1,2,3
Walking on the Lord's path of the straight and narrow
Knowing that where He leads is where I need to go

Friday, September 18, 2009

At The Show

Caught a disease with no cure
My soul seems to be giving up on me too
Finding it difficult to breathe
Avoidable but I was still fooled

I spend the days wandering
And at night insomnia takes hold
Sleep won't bring any peace
My mind overworked with no goal

Please tell me when it's curtain call
This play is horrid who chose the cast
Watching characters all take their place
While I'm trying to decipher my past

Was I meant to be a comedy
Because it feels like you're all laughing
What melodramatic plot it seems
But I'm still lost with what's happening

Anticipation for the end
A chance for that final bow
But will I have the strength
Will I have anything left

It's still getting harder to breathe
And it's getting harder to see
My mind's playing tricks on me
Let me go pleading to be set free

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

3 months

comparing seven years to three months
how can I not forget you or get you out of my mind
when we've been apart longer than we were together
comparing seven years to three months
the radio plays a sad song and i think of you
next song is a fuck you and your face comes up too
wishing i could hate you for breaking my heart
as i sit here comparing, seven years to your 3 months
state lines were crossed not cities over
nothing permanent did you leave behind
but yet how can i not stop thinking about you
when all we had was a short time
when all we had were a few nights
when all we had you threw away
we didn't have years not even one
so how can i compare seven years to three months
what makes you stand out
what makes you shine
why is it that i keep pressing rewind
thinking of when you'd make me laugh
guess time spent is irrelevant
so seven years is nothing compared
to your barely three months

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

About Again

Pure thirst for your waters, a crave that's so owning
I close my eyes and imagine, how satisfying is your drink
Cool calm crisp, yes fulfilling, my dreams are deterring
Just one sip will be plenty, oh no - who am I kidding

I tasted it once, and soon was addicted
Selfish I was, cause I didn't wish to share
Your waterfalls where another's property
So before I was enslaved, I forced you free
And I see you again, and my body convulses
Like heroin, I seek satisfaction
Oblivious you are, to my devising
I'm trying so hard, but there's an ulterior plan

Like a vampire thirsts for blood
Like a child craves attention
Like the wounded seek healing
Like the afraid cry for comfort
Like the wild can never be tamed
Like the truth can never be hidden
Enthralled I am by you
But it's all so conflicted

Years forced to drink stale waters, knowing none could satisfy
Closing my eyes, letting myself wander, to where ever you are

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Smiles I win

When the world seems to be getting the best of me
When my fake smiles become unbearable
That's when on cue your face appears
And my stress becomes so easily forgettable

I could tell you a hundred times that I love you
But those words fall short to what I mean
I lost you once before and won't risk that again
So my heart stays quiet and I keep going

Knowing you're with someone that makes you laugh
Makes me glow, though I didn't tell the joke
Because our friendship I want for it to forever last
Even if I'm not the one standing on your pedestal

I may not be the one you dream of
But I'm the one you call when you awake
You may not be the one I lay down with
But you're the first to know when my heartaches

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things Are Great

Drowning under falling waters
Just trying to forget
Sweet slumber come save me
From my need to forgive

The tears won't stop from coming
And to my thoughts I submit
Constantly wondering what will happen
If the truth I were to admit

Because right now, denial's my best friend
And each day, its getting harder to lie
The more I, hide behind the laughter
The more I, feel myself die

Sun burn away the cold
That has entrapped my heart
Rain wash away the fear
That has me falling apart

Damaged are my memories
Like the first day we met
Your name leaves behind
Such a bittersweet scent

Because right now, denial's my best friend
And each day, its getting harder to lie
The more I, hide behind the laughter
The more I, feel myself die

Monday, August 10, 2009

You're Not There

Your lips are distant, their memory slips away
Your words fade to silence, my head turns gray
Colors once vivid, my heart pounds a song
Yet my throat chokes me, so quickly it goes wrong

Standing firm on the concrete to gliding on clouds
In an instant I'm falling, quickly crashing down
And you're not there, to catch me on my descent
And you're not there, to lay claim to the consequence

Is it instinctual or pure malevolence, forcing me to look back
Soon as I have a grasp on my mind's heart, you bring up the past
False hope empty words, you overflow my wine glass
Drunk with love stories, again a fool for your romance

Your eyes once shined and my smiles became addicted
Your embrace so easily would ease away my conflictions
And you're not there, but I no longer expect you to be
And you're not there, hungover I'll pick up what's left of me

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Choose Where You Live

Complications, what an imagination
Saying you love me, was this a dream
Considerations, no hesitations
Actions turn your words into hypocrisy

Fell in love, with the memory of me
I'm guilty as well of the same thing
For the past can be what we want it to be
Regardless of - facts or reality

And there you go, Once again
Choosing solitude, Over happiness
No translation, to understand
Yet destroying all, that hasn't happened yet

The cracks in the wall won't self repair
The hole in the ground won't be fixed with air
You can go on living in self made despair
But I've chosen to no longer live there

Implications, of ageless temptations
You said the words, I needed to hear
Such frustration, bullshit situation
Your silence now seems to scream of fear

A dark room, of your own making
Come outside open your heart and mind
Take the jump, no safety net needed
I once heard, it's about faith being blind

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Need Music

You were right all along
You were wrong for me
You "tried" to give it a chance
But you were right, now I see

I called your name without expectation
I sought your face in a fading picture
I listened for your voice lies echoed
I searched your warmth in a freezer

You left matter-of-factly
You became a ghost to my cries
Pill after pill to erase you
Hello all! I'm just fine

Curious of your actions meaningless now
Once hurt from rejection, I'm stronger and proud
Meticulously removing aspects of you from my life
Only to have new thoughts renew my strife

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Doe, a Deer, a Female Deer - A DDK story

The drive home from a friend's house sometime holds better stories than the actual gathering. If you were underage and going to drink, two things were obvious. One, you would be better off going off campus. And, two, if you were a typical DDK you needed someone to drive you there and back.

Bill's was the home away from dorm, we all supplied money, and he supplied an apartment. The cherry on top of this delectable relationship, we all got complimented each other. I don't remember there ever being any reason for anyone to fight or argue. Guess that's why stoners and the like were capable of congregating in large packs.

Side note memory: Charlene had a wonderful trick that would indicate she had had her fill when at Bill's. Once she was at the peak of her drinking, she would not just start to sing, but she would fit herself underneath the coffee table. Yes, anyone can fit under a coffee table, but as memory recalls, this was low enough to be limbo dance worthy. And that's where'd you could find her. At Bill's, with her drink, singing, under the coffee table. I only wish there were pictures of this.

Back to the drive: it was nice that the apartments had a back road that connected straight to campus. How all of us packed into PR Chris's car still baffles me, but we did. One drive back is etched permanently in the memory center of my mind. And anytime I recall it, I about piss my pants laughing.

I was in the back seat, Chris was driving, Jess was shotgun. I won't mention who else was in the car, not because I don't care, but because alcohol over the years has taken its toll on my memory. There are woods that surrounded the campus, and it was quite picturesque. Jess was the first to spot a deer coming out of the trees. We, not she, were drunkenly excited to see a live woodland creature. A picture! A picture! Quickly, Jess takes her camera, sets her site on the target, moves in for the kill and BAM! She failed to realize her window in this two door car was not down.

Not only did she smack herself into the window, but remember she was poised for a nature shot. She banged her face with her own camera as well. Sitting directly behind her, I think I was the first to fully appreciate what she had done. And so I laughed, and laughed, and kept laughing. Until everyone in the car, including Jess, were diseased with laughter. Tears upon tears poured down our faces. We were suffocating with our own ridiculousness!

It's not until now that I know that it wasn't so much Jess's face getting planted with her own camera on the window that makes this so hilarious. Rather, the amount of time that we all spent together and the number of jackass things we did in front of each other - no one was ever embarrassed. No one ever hung their head in shame for doing something stupid. Give it a few moments, and someone else with us was likely to do something far more embarrassing anyway.

We tested the limits of our comfort zones. We never ridiculed for the sake of belittling. We ridiculed, yes, but NOT for the sake of belittling. Did we drink? Yes. Did we do it to be comfortable in our own skin? Never. If anything, it was done just to increase the probability of making fools of ourselves for our own entertainment.

Moral of the story: if you see a deer in the woods, make sure your windows down and perhaps there is such a think as contact drunk.

First Kidnapping Trip - A DDK story

"It's the size of my pink nail," I said in awe of the small red square I was given in the elevator of our dorm building. I was instructed to just put it on my tongue and so I did. We were heading to Steak n' Shake to begin our late night. She had a car, she was an exception, and so we headed to the garage. I wondered how long it would take for the chemicals to be absorbed into my bloodstream. I lit a cigarette soon as we got out of the building. More than likely there were other DDK smoking on the porch, it was only around 1am, and we were all night owls. But my memory of the details before the LSD took hold are blurry- I don't even remember ordering any food. I do remember the 2 New Yorkers.

My brain was slowly succumbing to the foreign visitor, and New Yorker 1 and 2 were laughing loudly about their adventures of the night. By this time, bars were closed and people piled in to get a late night drunk feast. We sat there chatting about who knows what when NY1 began to speak to us. His "game" was obvious since I could see the words spill from his mouth and fall flat to the floor. I couldn't help but laugh, he must have thought he had such swagger. But for the sake of entertainment, we humored them. They joined us and we talked, again I have no clue what we went on about. They were still drunk, and well, my mind was slipping off into a land of make believe.

Our evening had just begun and theirs was headed to their beds. She invited them to go on a cruise around town, they foolishly agreed. At this point, we both were behaving pretty sane. So we drove, and the babbling began. They were both in the back seat, and I only remember NY1 because he had long hair. They both spoke Spanish. The stoplights were pouring unto passing cars, and the world seemed perfect. NY1 & 2 asked if we smoked, so they bummed a cigarette, and asked again if we smoked. We looked at each other and laughed.

"Yeah, but not tonight" we offered no further explanation. We just continued to discuss home and travel and about their visit. I must have started to become pretty transparent because NY1 asked, "ok you're not smoking tonight, but what's going on?" Again, we laughed - bordering on hysteria this time because we just the music louder, and I started to sing along. A serenade of the mind fuck we were now in. What time was it anyway?

"This is her first time tripping," she finally gave them a bone to pick at since their curiosity had them salivating.

"Word? Like on acid and shit," NY2's eyes began to laugh as he looked at me and the derangement that was my behavior. It finally made sense, he finally eased up. Both of them did, until she added, "We both are, but this isn't my first time."

I could see fear turning the wheels in their minds. What have they gotten themselves into? Who are these strangers they are riding around with? Two women that they could possibly over power, yet for all they know were serial killers. Oh the joys of youth and foolishness of men who think they know what's going on.

My singing continued, I'm sure so did the conversation. They asked where we were going, I said somewhere that is nowhere and therefore who knows when we'd find it. I was dead serious, and we all laughed. I don't know if the laughing ever stopped. "We have somewhere to go that would blow your mind since you're high," and we arrived at man's home that used colors to make music.

We were thankful for the warning before we met our host. He was a black man whose face had been half blown off by a shotgun. I stared for a few moments, but then ran to the floor of his living room and sat down. There were colors singing to me! Magnificent colors of purple, pink, blue green, just all floating in the air. I heard them all chatter and politely the conversation reached me, but I wanted nothing of it. "Just feed my eyes more music!" I've spoken enough times in my lifetime, and heard enough drabble out of mouths to last two lifetimes. I had nothing to say. What time was it?

She said it was time to head out and experience more since we only had a few hours left. Saddened to leave my singing pictures, I was hoisted from the ground that I had been fixed to. We departed with happy goodbyes and nice to meet you thanks for the show goodday evening adios. Where to? Water.

My cheeks were in the worst of pains from laughing, and our detainees seemed as though they had had enough. True troopers they were, we offered to take them home, but they insisted on continuing on the adventure. Oh what night.. the lyrics tickled my brain. Nothing they said mattered as long as music was playing. I chimed in every now and then with a "bulluckers!" here and there when I heard some bullshit, and she was being the quaint hostess as I was ignorant to any advances.

"We're here!" I opened my door and flew towards the woods. "Wait for me!" She called out, more motherly than as friend that didn't want to miss out. I dead stopped. Frozen in space. Not one muscle moved until I was joined by her, NY1 & 2.

We were at the end of Greek Road, walking through the woods to reach the water. I could feel my heart pounding. "That means you're finally coming down," she informed. "We've got maybe how long then?" She didn't say, knowing that that would ruin any last minute shenanigans.
"Be careful for gators!" I warned NY1 & 2 with a giggle. The fear wheels turned in disbelief. They weren't sure if I was lying. I wasn't going to tell them I was. So I bolted, running in zigzags to keep the creatures away from me. I looked back and suggested that they follow suit. And when they did, I fell on the floor in a hysteria of laughter.

We reached the dock, and I almost began to cry. The moon and the sun were both occupying the sky. It was sad, only twice a day they can see each other. For eternity, this is how they live. It was so quiet, my voice was stolen. Each breeze that blew on my face took my words. They skipped on the water like a stone. The sun was rising and I could feel the heat beat on my chest. "Wow, this place is nice," "SHHH!!!" Fools, such beauty to be disturbed by stating the obvious.

"Stop doing that, you'll hurt your eyes"

"But, look at how the border melts into the water"

"Stop, you'll damage your eyes"

"Fine." But no matter how many times I was scolded or shown something else, my eyes would wander back up. The sun was reading my soul, and hugging my every last breath. I didn't want it to end, but I didn't want to sober up there either. So it was agreed.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

DDK - A Short Intro

If you were a Dirty Dorm Kid, you obviously had to live in the Freshman dorms. However, there were other criteria that for the most part summed us up. You met your friends on the benches for a smoke, you more than likely did not have a car, and you were entertained by things that most people (regardless) of age would never understand the fascination behind.

The entertainment portion of our lives was possibly the most random aspect. From dripping melted Walmart bags to stuffing ourselves into a dryer at the campus laundromat, we were never lacking in amusement. Or how about taking a shower in a broken sulfur water spewing sprinkler? Or jumping into bushes, or rather falling from the laundromat rooftop into a tree? And of course, we had a few activities that fit into a "normal" category such as skating around campus at 3am or well - drinking at Bill's.

I'm still not sure how some of us survived the life threatening antics we constantly paraded ourselves in, but we did. And now years later, it's about time the stories are shared. Some mundane, some outrageous, all of it experienced first hand by DDK.

Give it to the Water

Hear the midnight breezes whisper
Your head lies upon the sand
Drift sleepily lest you slip away
Do not reach for my hand

For the ocean home calls your secret
And weary souls can no longer deny
Salted waters come cleanse this body
Erase all the world has defied

White sands minuscule pall bearers
In millions such power and strength
To carry this ragged vessel out slowly
Determined to exorcise the pains

Know nothing of fear and breathe
Allow the tears to mix with the sea
Bones tremble as temperature lowers
That past you know now release

Friday, July 31, 2009

Semi-Intro, guess I should

I can't help but analyze situations and people. When I was 3, my mom caught me sitting on the window ledge in our 2 bedroom apartment in Chicago just people watching. I was there for over an hour she thinks. I sat there, quietly, just watching. It is quite easy for me to know what others feel about another. Body language, choice of words, inflections in their voice. It's as easy as hearing a song for the 100th time and reciting the lyrics word for word. People are obvious, predictable, and ignorant of their own nuances. Unfortunately, as good as I will boast about that I am at this, I am entirely oblivious when it comes to what others think of me.

At times I come off as needy, not because I need to be with others, but because I'm trying to understand who I am better by knowing what others think of me. That comes off as insecure perhaps, but of the handful of people who have finally gathered some sort of understanding of who I am, that is of the furthest of my concerns. However, at this point I will make clear, that as much as I care and love and try to be selfless, I am vain, selfish, and will put myself first in many occasions. If this is obnoxious or offending, well, too bad.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Reason for Meeting

Fearing wholeheartedly what would become of my mind's heart
Shutting my eyes tightly I moved on blindly
And the mountain I made was in fact a mole hill
Looking in the mirror I laughed hysterically

A silent repression blankets into false senses of security
And it's his own insecurities that direly seek refuge
For though I was fearful, I still continued
But not one step would he take, sad solemn statue

A marionette to your own past, buried in a shallow grave
Cartoonish strength behind denials and carnival masks
Solely the messenger of your potential I am, now I know
But when will you remove that outdated handicap pass

Only so many leaves will fall in autumn
Only so many flakes of snow will pile
Live in fear, fear your own potential
But of that sadness I want no part

Self pity is not a virtue
And fictitious confidence, will only fool a fool

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hey Sir

(orig from January 10, 2001)

Hey Sir
Did you know
I thought you were

Hey sir
Did you know
You stole my heart
and let it go

My dear love
how have you been
It's been quite sometime
Your sweet kiss
I did miss
Your lips I yearn to find

Hey Sir
Did you know
that I'll want to be
With you again

Hey Sir
Did you know
That I miss
Just being friends

Life gives us chances
I took mine with you
Treated like princess
Overthrone like a fool

Saturday, July 25, 2009

And you are?

I swing to the flow
Eyes focused on yours
No chance to get away
I see you coming

Chest ready to explode
You walk to the floor
Beer in hand
I see you coming

Mind wanders off
Imagining your love
Hand on the small of my back
I feel you coming

Music gets louder
Your waist gets hotter
There's no escaping
Now that you've got me

Saturday, July 18, 2009


dirt pebbles and stones
all beneath her bare feet
earthly silence surrounds
branches breaking ring the beat

wind blows to knock her down
but steadily she keeps
rhythm with her pounding heart
she's not the prey he seeks

into her territory entrance he schemed
shared her own hunts to be betrayed
smiled and smoldered eyes bled deceit
leaving her half clothed and frayed

had left her there for dead
to his surprise she fled
with prepubescent joy he chased
ignorant to the demons he'd face

a warning shot birds fly
she slows her pace to smile
dead stop pivot he's here
he expects fear but she sneers

he cocks and aims
her arms up to the sky
on cue lightening to his left
off balance he's loss his stance

smoke billows as he rises
ashes blind him entirely
embers target to burn
this is not happening!

voices echo deafen deceive
nothing's what you want to perceive
poor little hunter you prey on the weak
so foolish you were to think it was me

Decisions and Doors

Decisions and Doors

The sound of your door stopped our laughter
Though my eyes were blurry reality was clear
No use in hiding my pain and anger
I inhaled deeply to suffocate my fear

Already hurting won't let salt be poured
My wounds at times still feel so fresh
Self inflicted and self procured
Those days were mere steps from death

Sunken and drowning into the typical ways
Smiling and laughing through the burning thoughts
Devising whether to move on or try again
And here you are again, my lies have been caught

Misunderstanding and over analysis
So is the story of most my tales
Others' lives I can reformat and make sense of
Attempts on my own and oh how it fails

The future is painted in fading colors
Such a picture that changes in any light
Somehow your face always blended right in
And memories of times past I can't lose sight

Memories of days and nights of endless hysteria
A friendship I built on lust and I was devoured
You're always there when I go searching
I await hopelessly like a wilting flower

Dear John is how it began, oh the depths I cried
And we talked you listened you smiled
Because nothing that i said to you made sense
Fooled by your benevolence and so I was defiled

Close my eyes wander off to that night
When you opened the door and left with her
He hugged me closer knowing my defeat
Never again will you be the source of my hurts


Count the dimensions of the mind’s heart
The levels and complexities that drive
Thoughts to be analyzed infinitely
Words to be dissected to find their origin
Explicitly describing all that is known
While emotions run havoc pure chaos
The moment being is crystal clear
Mouths utter a few words and destroy
Any advancement any conclusions
New page started and hypothesis revised
Novels of notes scribbles and sketches
Reviewing past accounts and consequences
No stranger to the effect of your cause
Foresight is a gift which you’ve proven to lack
Ironically, your few words speak loudly
And when you share volumes they’re lies
Egotistical it was to deem a connection to you
Some things are best left unknown
Fight the urges to scrutinize your actions
Hopeless the subject has become
But a sense of closure I have won

Truth Be Told

Walking cautiously balancing it all
Fearing the failure fearing a fall
Building up pressure earthquakes ahead
Counting the hours growing in dread

Tension increases chest so tight
Crying impatience through most nights
Faces in memories fiending the past
Breath sacrificed how much more can it last

Painted smiles dancing glass figurines
Trust defiled nothing’s what it seems
Forced to go stepwise wanting to fly
No more filters to decipher the lies

Enslaved in the present no path to move on
And finally allowing tears to crash down
Impulsively throwing flinging out everything
Tell you my thoughts dire need of healing

A waterfall of beauty, words poured in my heart
Days went on heavenly even when apart
Bedtime was treasured your breath felt inside
Tortures of the world were another's demise

Painstakingly observed actions you took
Foolishly pretended I could not read your book
Instincts ignored how could this be fraud
Until awakened for your presence was gone

List after list, scribbling false hates
Deeply knowing emotions cannot be faked
So with this letter perhaps a song
These were the consequences to your wants

Missed you then, today, possibly tomorrow
But one day soon your name will not be my sorrow
Admitting to myself admitting to you
Yes I still care though our lives are through


There’s a man sleeping.
Dark circles shadow his eyes.
Hands are hardened,
Wonder when last he smiled.

There’s a child laughing,
Pulling his mothers short hair.
She’s not as amused
Yet no one notices her there

I’m just here sitting -
Silently watching these worlds
What would i do,
If i were in their shoes?
Why do I even care?

Someone is coughing
Into their arm i can see
No one offers a tissue
What happened to empathy?

Was it always like this?
All so callous and cold.
Faces pale and drained,
Dreams torn then tattered,
Waiting to grow old.

Some-day and sometimes..
I add to the ignorance,
Pretend nothing’s around.
But, I can’t always be so blind

One day, the sleep shall awaken,
The depressed will smile.
A child will hug his mother,
A tissue offered will be sublime.


Rainbows on kittens and teardrops on roses
The sound of smiling people drown my eyes
Place my head on a pillow and I start falling
Dinner’s at 5 and it’s 6a.m. in the sky

My arms are dysfunctional please take them off
Yours look much stronger, may i try them on
Again lost my left shoe, but I hear it calling
My ride has left me, and it’s long past dawn

Allowed myself to believe this was reality
Ignored the no trespassing signs
With words like its about time and I deserve this
Foolish and selfish, this my fantasy of mine

Stared at the sun, the painful beauty was addicting
You warned, but it’s call was louder than your voice
Tears fell onto the dock, and i closed my eyes
It’d be easy to, I whispered, and it’ll be my choice

Slowly we stand up, daytime’s so dreary
The luxurious night has left us once again
Back to my bed, in hopes of sweet dreaming
Praying that the nightmares won’t swarm my head

Eyes Escape

Stared at the canvas beneath each brushstroke
From a glance I saw myself crying
With every second that passed by
I saw the colors emerging

Blue as the ocean, spots of white from a cloud
Showered in red from their bleeding hearts
Greenest of green as though from a child
The brightest orange stolen from fires

Your face hung in the middle of that chaos
But your name I could not recognize
Your eyes burned straight through my history
So many secrets were no longer mine

Sitting there for the next three hours
Each glance stole something new
At some point a stranger sat beside me
Politely gave, a how do you do

Certain of the innocence of his intention
I turned to him to reply
Stunned at the face that i encountered
Short of breath thinking let me die

His smile was awkward and silent
His voice as mysterious as his clothes
No telling where he came from nor going
He took hold of my arm we rose

No direction no words no people around
The halls echoed with my steps
Somewhere between minutes and miles
I blinked and suddenly came back

Voices and laughter, shushing from guards
And I on this bench alone
Gathered my things and said goodbye
Time to begin the trek home

Dancer's End

She sways like the waves of the ocean
Everyone watches hypnotized
With the beat of the drums her hips thump
All heads follow unknowingly
In circles all at once carressing her audience
Stopping in front of a dirty stranger
The rhythms changing her direction
What is this pounding of his drum
No longer does she orchestrate the song
From his hands a new bass echoes
Possessed, entrapped, her body is not her own
Swift movements force her chest out
A loud boom arches her back
The floor has become covered in hot coals
And as she attempts to escape
Her skirts used to fan away the heat
These seconds turn to minutes
Everyone there knows that she’s disappeared
To a place where all she can hear
Is this dirty strangers bass drum beat
Sweat rolls between her breast
Her lungs inhale their last breath
And as suddenly as it all had begun
She falls in exhale to her knees
Face down, covered by her mane
His callous hands touch her cheek
And like a weightless body, she rises
Their eyes meet, he smiles, she dies


Heard a whisper come into my world
It took control of all i was thinking all i was doing
Dropped the phone turned out the lights
Closed my eyes to picture what you looked like
Felt your warm breath upon my neck
Your cheek brushed mine i felt trapped
Moving to music no one could hear
Pressed against my back moving along
The rhythm you followed just fine
Could you hear what i hear, Do you feel what i feel
What are your desires because i know mine
In the dark i’ve no sense of time
I can smell your cologne with each breath I take
Movements are no longer mine
My arms move to find yours, But i’m grasping at the wind
Eyes open where have i gone, Unfamiliar faces surround
Shadows follow without moonlight to guide
And you’re nothing more than a distant memory
The color of your eyes fade, texture of your skin is faint
The sound of your voice belongs to a stranger
But your name still lingers on obscuring my thoughts
As its whispered in my world over and over


I saw you yesterday and my worst fears came true
Frozen I stood, but I was invisible to you
Your eyes were glazed, speech was silent
You lied empty, spilled with broken promises

Last minutes seen on your ghostly face
Left here to dry in this forbidden space
Who what where when why and how
The sirens are blaring should I hide now

After all is done, said all in past tense
Over to my right freedom - a fence
But frozen still my feet refuse
So I come down to lie next to you

Your mouth has not changed, your eyes gleam blue
But your lips no longer smile, your necks askew
All those years now wasted away
Stand up dear for here you can’t stay

My vision is blurred only to focus on you
No one will ever believe you’d ever be subdued
And past the ocean of viewers I stroll
No looking back, for my heart has grown cold

On this once warm night, you were torn apart
Shame on you my sweet, for breaking my heart

My Opium

Your addiction is worse than any cocaine
Ecstacy brings laughs, but you destroy pain
I take a deep breath and inhale you in
Oh, my sweet opium, make love to me again

After years of searching through the abuse
You appeared in my life and became my muse
Through different eyes I see the same shadows
What's come over me, I'm breathing so shallow

This taste in my mouth now fills my mind
Nightmares surround and become to unwind
I'm hostage to your sensual scent
Don't stop please I beg, I'm not ready yet

This pipe my hand loves to caress
The burn I can feel travel through my breast
It fogs my head, and tingles my ears
I can see the walls closing in, but feel no fear

My heart is a strangers, beating in my chest
The regrets of the past I soon forget
Circus clowns are jumping on my bed
And we laugh til dawn when dreams lie dead

My opium, soft skin, smooth touch, betrayer
So many promises made doomed for failure
Once here now gone, no longer could I afford
And the truth resonates as you walked out the door


Pictures in my mind so hard to describe
The chaos, homicide, and the suicides
These nightmares that I cannot define
What pulses my veins what draws these lines
Social acceptance for it I'm not inclined
Though to be normal tempted I will not lie
Live the typical ways and never shine
Words spoken clearly and to never misguide
Low ambitions be set ignore my pride
Making due in this world so happy and blind
For if I do not see how can I be deprived
Too late for me now because I've seen the life

Possibilities, grandiosities, but not live lavishly
Live accordingly, with a sense of satisfactory
Use the extent of my abilities, no animosity
For me, myself, and I can be friends not enemies

Intelligent enough to know I'm not the brightest
Too emotional to prance around in disguises
So impulsive I've become drowned in consequences
Wet eared thinking I have an eternity of chances
Accustomed to having it all served on a silver platter
Throwing tantrums if and when making them all scatter
Grown with responsibilities of my own, I can't handle
Wrong decisions have turned reality into such a scandal

Now these nightmares every morning I try to decipher
A snake thought dead and riding in the mouth of a tiger
A whorehouse of halls with awaiting men
Unknowing that they have all paid for their very end
Of kingdoms of demons and creatures alike
Taking on forms and soaring through the skies
From a fast food restaurant to a parallel world
Where you had to prove yourself more than a mere girl
Getting arrested and taken to speak to a judge
Having a twin sister take advantage mark you corrupt
Seeing the insanity slowly take over those around
Instead of escaping, dig yourself deeper in the ground

What has become of me?
What is this I'm saying?
Is this another test,
Or more proof of my crazy?


Turn of the century clothes, long gowns, hidden heels
Up the stairs we walked excitedly predicting what was behind those doors
Opened wide as though we were royalty, we were taken by the arm
Entered to an infinitely long hallway of doors that hid secrets
Men bowed their heads and greeted us with sinister smiles
We were each led separately into the only rooms with open doors
Inside a man lay, waiting, expecting, smiling, salivating
Behind me the door shut, and my heart was pounding
This is my new life, for which I pay for with my life
Off the bed he approached and turned me for a thorough inspection
Half turn more and his hands were on my shoulders and back
His heat emanated from his waist and his smell could fool you
Into thinking he were years younger than his face proved
From the men that greeted me earlier, I imagine it could be worse
So I closed my eyes and allowed him to lead my gown to the floor
In my corset and undergarments, I lay on this bed
He started at my ankles, and gently kissed, I was grateful for the time
Slowly he went up my calves and thighs, and deeper into another realm I fell
I imagined a being made of muscle and chivalry, not this old merchant
A tear escaped my eye and fell to the pillow as he made his way
His hands gripped my panties and ripped them off savagely
But I kept still, not allowing his antics to remove me from where I sent myself
He investigated my flower with his thumb, and with his mouth he parted me
I felt him slither around with his tongue, as though he were desert thirsty
Wetness poured his face and I thought he would stop but it made him more fierce
The longer he went, the further away I disappeared, the more I forgot
Soon my hips would move, my back arched, my own thighs I held for support
My forehead perspired, my heart pounded, my breath escaped into moans
As though on signal, he bit me and pulled, and moved his fingers in for the kill
Thrusting, and turning, eating, I could not understand how much more I could stand
He took both his hands and held my hips down, forcing them down
I fought in reflex, then closed my thighs around his neck
And with a final scream I came, and before I opened my eyes I did my job
In a swift movement, I turned my thighs, full torque, until I knew
That his hunger pangs were satisfied, and his soul had left his body