Sunday, November 25, 2012


I guess my mind really is all messed up. How depressing is it to know that you have poor coping skills? To know that not everyone responds to situations the way you do. That people actually can get through things that seem like a dark scary abyss to me. I've always been different. I am different.

Saturday, November 24, 2012


Sleep is very underrated. I slept all day today. I feel really good. And not that manicky good. Just normal.good. I'm not angry, sad, paranoid. I'm just me. Existing like I should. I love my kids and they didn't drive me crazy when I was awake. I actually wanted to be around them. It's sad that I even say that, but yes, I avoid them as much as I avoid my husband. Everything angers me. I'd rather just hide my wrath from everyone by staying away. Today I didn't. I loved my family and showed it. I didn't hide - once I actually got some sleep!

Friday, November 16, 2012


I'm hearing voices it seems
At times clear and not
But whobdo I tell
Fir those that understand
Could cost me my living
And those I love are at a loss
Nobody exists physically in this world
That I can find comfort in

What am I supposed to do?
I truly don't want to live
I'm almost at the point of selfishness
And desperate enough
To find a way out
The night before last
I finally understood why ppl hang themselves
I choked myself and it was serene
And then I gasped and I cried
And cried and cried

Yesterday I was numb
I was heavy and my muscles ached
I wanted it over

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Post mania

I was on call last night. I also had been awake since 2am. Yeah, I know. Stupid ass me. It is what it is. Being on call made my mind race, so I got hyper and ocd. I was multitasking and doing what I had to. Consequences ensue. I became slowly hypomanic on the bus ride Hoke. Acting out would land me in the hospital. I had no choice but to hold it in. It hurts. Its sensory overload. All I could see was crushing my skull, oiling the ppl next to me. Slicing my skin anywhere I could find. It hasn't been this intense in a long time. Even right now as I type my body is shivering. Its the hangover. I finally was able to let go.some when I got in the car. Jason per usual just told me to calm down. Sometimes I wish he would just learn to hold me when I get this way instead of walking away. It makes it all hurt more. I was almost catatonic. He undressed me. I sat on the toilet and cried. I wished I had ling nails bc I was scraping at me back and neck and that help alleviate the intensity. I punched myself multiple times with both my fist. It was mostly to my forehead tho. I guess I'm not strong enough to leave bruises. He brought me clothes and just left them next to me in the bathroom. I cried.more. I finally went numb. The meds kicked in. I grabbed the clothes and laid down. I couldn't standard the feeling of anything on my skin. He couldn't understand. He left to go eat. He left to go eat. He left. I was curled up on the bed. Slowly calming down. I drifted and the voices started to be audible. I don't remember what they said. I know I answered them. My memory is not right. He didn't hear me. He put me aside because he didn't know what to do. I need someone to help me get through these times. I can't do it alone. I guess I have to learn how to do it for myself.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The time

I finally know when the time is
I finally got the message I was waiting for.
They'll be taken care of
They'll understand one day
Everyone will be happy
And I won't have to feel this darkness anymore.


Stranger days and strangers tonight
Face is known well, but not to my sight
Circles I ran, but me they still find
Screeching, "Empty the crowded mind!"
Laughter enclosed in my skull so tight
A horror, a nightmare, it's one of a kind

As my eyes swell, my throat tightens
They know the secrets of what most frightens
Pulling the strings, control escapes
Souls so lost, disappeared agape
The darkness thickens, no light can brighten
Deny the reality of this horrid fate

Trials to strengthen, weakness prevails
Masked hope in close distance - to no avail
Searching the skies for what looks like years
Trying to stand in the rushing waters of tears
This is no lie, but heart crushing tale
This is no lie, but my heart crushing tale