Sunday, January 29, 2012








Wednesday, January 25, 2012

For My Memoir

There's always a crash.. there's always a craving.. the urge never leaves, just changes in intensity.. it's like the few seconds before the drop on a roller coaster.. but nothing ever gives u the satisfaction u desire.. so we chase it.. cutting, sex, pills, to heighten to reach climax or to lower to kill the tickle.. that feeling that makes u cough.. that pull.. that attraction to take risks that regular ppl could never understand.. the magnetism so intense.. right now.. the urge is winning.. I'm invincible

No Sleep, Can't Sleep

Witches' Brew


Garden of Eden

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Succinct I am NOT

  • So apparently I am the ONLY PERSON in the greater Orlando area that is on Saphris.. How do I know this? you ask.. be I have been to 6 different pharmacies and no one has it and they even called other stores for me! So I have to wait until Monday to get it.. did i fail to mention that I don't have anymore and add to that basket that I am slowly going up and up and up to the point that i was driving on the highway and almost got into two car accidents to the point that i caught myself swerving w the beat of a song.. to the point that i kept hearing them calling to take my babies away to the point that I was going to just walk right into the hospital and tell them i'm going kill someone if u don't admit me.. to the point that i can't decipher stars from being UFO.. to the point that i'm yelling from my porch I SEE YOU!!!!!! I CAN SEE YOU!!!!! And then realize that none of this is logical yet i have no logical explanation and now this post has taken a life of its own and i can't seem to stop bc i have had so many thoughts so many conversations ppl commenting on everyone that i saw today like the lady w the fro who wears makeup and fancy clothes yet she needs a pedicure or the boy who is being defiant in school who is obviously just acting up bc he is having issues w being gay yet he does not know it or won't admit to it.. and if ur still reading this God bless your heart bc u have more patience than me bc i don't know if i could have read something this long not at least right now maybe sometimes but definitely infinitely catastrophically immaculately manifest destiny perhaps someday this will make sense.. I want to b normal.. I am in therapy to learn how to b human bc right now I feel like I am alien to this world.. this flesh has me confined.. i want to erase the layers that clog and suffocate my being spirit soul whatever what have you to do if you do this and not that as a matter of face it can be and will be what u want it to be unless ur in the sea and see what i see for what i see you can't see bc then u would b me and then who would i be, u see?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

To My New Friends

No configuration in calculus can explain
How all these feelings some deem mundane
Made up, fabricated, attention sought
Is truly what weighs my heart so much

Understanding and comfort our soul needs
But deprivation and anxiety is what we meet
Then along comes a stranger made friend
Whose wisdom for soothing knows no end

With you, my friend, these pains we endure
For another day we survive, for there is no cure
Each day at a time, and step by step
We hold hands, and no one we forget

For it manipulates our thoughts and traps our mind
Strangling our confidence, drowning our lives
But together, bonded, we fight this unseen intruder
And together, stronger, we fight - no matter how brutal

Monday, January 9, 2012

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dream 2012

oh I remember now! I was in Australia and met a homeless guy and we hung out and we were in a park w what seemed like other homeless ppl.. i had my bag w me and Australian currency and I gave the guy some money and he and I were gambling and I won a bunch of money and gave it to him.. then it turned out he wasn't homeless just kinda poor and dirty.. so I met his crazy big family.. mostly little kids and they were planning on going to the beach and so I told them I would while i waited for my plane and so we waited in line and when it was my turn (we somehow were in Jamaica now waiting in line at some sort of market table where u buy plane tickets)

Anyway, I asked how much it was to fly to florida and they had a flight leaving at 3 but the cost was $1200 and I only had $500 plus some random Australian currency.. So I would have to call my mom to get more money but had to get out of line to do so and then they found another flight at 6pm which was cheaper, it was $1122. But I wanted to get home so I told them I'd b back and I told the family that I was with what was going on and since it was so early we decided to go to the beach but then there was all this water.. from everywhere and it was rising.. But just before the water rising, my ex showed up and was getting closer and closer to me and was yelling and being intimidating.. then I disappeared w the family w the water still rising and all I could think of was that the phone was wet and I couldn't call my mom.. I was so pissed.. so i went to the beach..

Then i was somehow involved w a Jamaican prison.. it was all about forming lines and listening to the corrections officer for directions.. eventually I was ahead of the line and was given my duty which was cleanup.. now jump ahead to me walking in the market and their were these tiny pots w plants in them.. and stores everywhere and everyone was poor and everything in the stores were relatively cheap but no one could afford them.. then I see my mom and I tell her about the tickets and she goes that's ok we'll use my debit card but let me look around first.. So that meant i could use my money to shop.. So i looked around. Saw my mom again and my mom rushes to me and says that she just bought a bunch of stuff for some kids and it was like $20 per kid that she spent and she said she never realized how little american currency it took to help ppl in Jamaica, so she was like on this campaign to help ppl.. The tiny plant sellers were pissed at her.. (she was a long lost sister apparently)

Well I kept walking and found the more expensive stores where you could buy genuine Chanel etc for mad cheap.. I got my makeup done and hair done and it looked awesome but I got annoyed bc the makeup wasn't even and I went to fix it and messed up.. Then the makeup artist had to redo it and I didn't touch it.  There was a red bag that was only $125 and it was a brand that started w a B and it sounded like Burka.. Well I liked it but didn't want it so this girl I came in the store w was going to buy it.  Then I saw jewelry for so cheap and was about to buy it and my mom comes in yelling that I can't buy it bc my money can go to better use and I yelled at her saying "I hate that you're such a fucking liberal!" And a white couple replied to each other, now there's a conservative.  I don't know if i bought the jewelry bc I think now I was back in the prison looking up baby names for my twin (boy and girl) and we ended w the names Yuma and Yume bc they were ancients in the times when God allowed for everything to be tried to see the consequences and the consequences were not good and somehow that was how we knew why God didn't want us to do certain things.

At some point while in the market I saw my ex again, but he had be come cachetic.. he was all skin and bones and was yelling to the sky "where are the power and riches and mansions u promised me?"  I no longer feared him but just tearfully pitied him.  It was so sad. (Side note: my ex was severely delusional about the end of the world and him being the antichrist and that he would come to great power if he accepted his position as the antichrist)

Then I went back to shopping at the market and my mom was with me, i was telling her I needed to buy a new shirt bc the one i was wearing didn't fit anymore bc I was getting bigger as my dream was going along.  She gave me some negative feedback bc she thought I was just complaining but eventually she wanted to buy me a maternity dress bc my belly had gotten so big. It was a dress with a light jean top around the breast and belly and then it flowed out into a wispy long skirt.  Some girl had tried it on before me and it fit her very nice but she didn't want it and then my mom found a hole in the one that she tried on but then we found one a size M (she had the Large) and one the size 2. The girl was bigger than me so we took the size M.

Before i could buy the dress tho there was some boat in the sea that we (me and who knows who else) were in and there were pirates but they found out we only had $800 so they left us alone and we were relieved and when we got back to the states there was a man that investigators were suspecting as being one of the men that were trying to pirate our boat.  Before the men could do so they had to wait for him to return.  On his return tho he was mad as in crazy mad and it was night and foggy.  The wife saw he was mad and rushed her son to his room and then he let the daughter in and she ran to the boys room. Then the wife began to run, thinking he'd never hurt the kids.  But when she looked back he grabbed the kids and made them run.  He chased them w a short black spear gun. He shot his wife w it and the kids were hiding what seemed like outside but he set fire to the house and they were in there.  The daughter died of smoke inhalation but the son survived somehow and was found by some men.  The detectives were in the garage of the house and there was a ring on top of the car and they found a short black spear gun poking out of a mess and apparently the gold ring they found on the wife was enough to get a search warrant to get the spear gun.

Back at the market in Jamaica and some man died that was married to the sister of the women that sold tiny plants. He was a bad man tho but I had to get the story of him, but the women hated me bc i was my mom's daughter and the other sister that came out to b my mom (long lost one) was supposed to come but didn't which made them more mad.  I went to some voodoo shop and asked about him but they couldn't tell me anything.  Then i went to the sister's and made some plants that were almost dead come back to life by replanting them and they accepted that as a peace offering.

My mom bought me that dress.

The End