Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dia De Los Muertos - Skulls


Middle School Feelings

Sometimes I feel like the odd one out.  Let's be honest, that sometimes is actually always.  It always feels like there's a big inside secret/joke and I'm the only person not in on it.  I have the insecurities of a middle schooler and yes, I admit, I still wish to be considered cool.  When people compliment me I instantly think they're being insincere; mostly because I can't believe anything about me is so amazing to be frank.  I guess on paper I sound good, but inside my head all I see are scribbles on a page and a stick figure drawing.  There are also some swirls on the corners and exaggerated circles around the hole punched ones.  It always seems that I have perfected the art of wrong timing.  I had the chance to belong and somehow I screw up.  I am my own worse enemy, truer words were never spoken. (Is that even the right idiom?)
I wear my insecurities on my arms and cover them with sweaters with sleeves that are too long and so bulky I look even bigger than I have already become. I look back at the days I was in college, and even then I wanted so badly to be a part of the cool kids group.  I desperately wanted to always fit in and be in on the joke.  Do we ever leave these insecurities behind?  I'm 29 and I still feel like the awkward new kid that everyone makes fun of because I have different hair and I'm not allowed to shave my legs.  When does the satisfaction in just being me begin?  I have had spurts of this contentment, but recently it feels as though those spurts are becoming even more scarce.  Even now as I write this I wonder who will take the time to read this and give it any thought.  What are you insecure about, reader?  Is there anyone out there?  I don't seek a pity party, but maybe I could use some reaffirmation.  Then again, maybe I have to be my own affirmation.  Either way, this feeling kind of sucks - big time.

Monster Blob Thing

Thank You

Saturday, August 27, 2011


I am not built for this stay at home mom business.  I am bored out of my mind.  It probably doesn't help that I have very little energy and each day is different from the previous as far as feeling sick or not.  It sucks not having a diagnosis and having all the symptoms.  I really need to find a neurologist.  February can't come soon enough because we seriously need to have all this insanity of not knowing where we will be living etc.  I feel guilty not being able to play with my kids the way I want.  I know everyone will say the same thing, I'm already doing so much for them, but that doesn't make me feel any better; sorry.  Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just make the weight disappear, but a big part of me is afraid that even if that happens, I will still be sick.  Today I couldn't move my legs again and my eyes keep going cross-eyed.  Its frustrating, but at least I'm done with taking boards.  I survived that much, if only the scores were as instantaneous as the practice exams.  Impatient isn't my middle name, it's my first and it kind of sucks.




Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Mother's Eye

6 year Anniversary of Motherhood

I know it's cliche, but I can't believe how quick the kids are growing up.  My oldest is 6 today and it really does feel like it was just yesterday that I was coming home from the hospital with her.  I can still see her waving her arms in the air because she wasn't used to being out of the womb.  I can still remember her pooping on me every time I changed her diaper or peeing on me because I was new at it and didn't realize I had to be quick or she'd get me.  I can still remember the first time I was able to put her hair in tiny pigtails or when she first began to walk.  She's me oldest.  She made me a mommy for the first time.  Today its my anniversary of being a mommy.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Addict

To You. With Tears, Me.

Forever seems to long when you have nothing to live for anymore
Forever seems so long when you've given up on the life promised
A waste such a waste
What a sad tragedy
This time will be the last, or so you say
Get out, Get out!
There's no time like now to begin
Get out, escape!
Show us this time it's for real.

Forever seems not so bad when it means the pain is dead
Forever seems like the best choice when it means giving up
Time will tell what you'll make
Tragic you are
A star in your drama
Time for no one
Get out, Get out!
Don't let demons take hold
Get out, Get out!
They're winning
And you didn't give them a fight

Forever ago it seems
You had your dreams
Ever flowing stream
Of what it used to be

Get out, get out... before turning back, you can't.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Used to by Proud to be Weird

I used to embrace my weirdness, but now I find myself ashamed of it.  Why can't I be normal and have nothing out of the ordinary happen to me?  Why must I be "weird"?  Isn't this an identity crisis that occurs in middle and high school when you're trying to find your place in society aka your classmates?  I guess a big part of it is that as much as I want to be free to be me I am entering a profession that, well, I have to act professional.  No visible tattoos, no piercings, no "out there" clothing or hairstyles.

It's not even a matter of wanting to express myself.  I just feel comfortable in the not so ordinary.  I know what you're thinking, why enter a profession where you can't be yourself?  Reality check, starving artist and living pay check to pay check just isn't for me.  Also, it may make me sound arrogant, but God gave me my intelligence for a reason.  I'm smarter than your average bear and I intend to use it to the best of my ability.  Are these the sacrifices that I have to make?

Feel free to comment, all 2 people reading this..

Dreams Come True

....but sometimes
so do nightmares....

Story of My Life

Everything I'm thinking
I want to write down
But I'm afraid of admitting 
who I truly am to you

Monday, August 1, 2011

Hating Cycles

I hate cycles
up and down then the anxiety of reaching the top because what goes up must come down and the down is so terrifying and frightening that I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy yet there it is for all to see and there's nothing that can be done to avoid it other than to accept the fate of physics.

Scattered Type A

I'm a scatter brained perfectionist with a definite quasi Type A personality
I have expectations of myself that seem unattainable and I become my own worst critic
If it weren't for the positive feedback I get from others, I'd be at my own execution
I can isolate myself into a catatonic state but I try to avoid that extreme
For fear that one trip will be one trip too many and I won't return
I can hear the screaming chaos all over
I can drown it out but to do so I become numb
And well, numb is not the healthiest place for someone like me to be