Friday, July 31, 2009

Semi-Intro, guess I should

I can't help but analyze situations and people. When I was 3, my mom caught me sitting on the window ledge in our 2 bedroom apartment in Chicago just people watching. I was there for over an hour she thinks. I sat there, quietly, just watching. It is quite easy for me to know what others feel about another. Body language, choice of words, inflections in their voice. It's as easy as hearing a song for the 100th time and reciting the lyrics word for word. People are obvious, predictable, and ignorant of their own nuances. Unfortunately, as good as I will boast about that I am at this, I am entirely oblivious when it comes to what others think of me.

At times I come off as needy, not because I need to be with others, but because I'm trying to understand who I am better by knowing what others think of me. That comes off as insecure perhaps, but of the handful of people who have finally gathered some sort of understanding of who I am, that is of the furthest of my concerns. However, at this point I will make clear, that as much as I care and love and try to be selfless, I am vain, selfish, and will put myself first in many occasions. If this is obnoxious or offending, well, too bad.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Reason for Meeting

Fearing wholeheartedly what would become of my mind's heart
Shutting my eyes tightly I moved on blindly
And the mountain I made was in fact a mole hill
Looking in the mirror I laughed hysterically

A silent repression blankets into false senses of security
And it's his own insecurities that direly seek refuge
For though I was fearful, I still continued
But not one step would he take, sad solemn statue

A marionette to your own past, buried in a shallow grave
Cartoonish strength behind denials and carnival masks
Solely the messenger of your potential I am, now I know
But when will you remove that outdated handicap pass

Only so many leaves will fall in autumn
Only so many flakes of snow will pile
Live in fear, fear your own potential
But of that sadness I want no part

Self pity is not a virtue
And fictitious confidence, will only fool a fool

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hey Sir

(orig from January 10, 2001)

Hey Sir
Did you know
I thought you were

Hey sir
Did you know
You stole my heart
and let it go

My dear love
how have you been
It's been quite sometime
Your sweet kiss
I did miss
Your lips I yearn to find

Hey Sir
Did you know
that I'll want to be
With you again

Hey Sir
Did you know
That I miss
Just being friends

Life gives us chances
I took mine with you
Treated like princess
Overthrone like a fool

Saturday, July 25, 2009

And you are?

I swing to the flow
Eyes focused on yours
No chance to get away
I see you coming

Chest ready to explode
You walk to the floor
Beer in hand
I see you coming

Mind wanders off
Imagining your love
Hand on the small of my back
I feel you coming

Music gets louder
Your waist gets hotter
There's no escaping
Now that you've got me

Saturday, July 18, 2009


dirt pebbles and stones
all beneath her bare feet
earthly silence surrounds
branches breaking ring the beat

wind blows to knock her down
but steadily she keeps
rhythm with her pounding heart
she's not the prey he seeks

into her territory entrance he schemed
shared her own hunts to be betrayed
smiled and smoldered eyes bled deceit
leaving her half clothed and frayed

had left her there for dead
to his surprise she fled
with prepubescent joy he chased
ignorant to the demons he'd face

a warning shot birds fly
she slows her pace to smile
dead stop pivot he's here
he expects fear but she sneers

he cocks and aims
her arms up to the sky
on cue lightening to his left
off balance he's loss his stance

smoke billows as he rises
ashes blind him entirely
embers target to burn
this is not happening!

voices echo deafen deceive
nothing's what you want to perceive
poor little hunter you prey on the weak
so foolish you were to think it was me

Decisions and Doors

Decisions and Doors

The sound of your door stopped our laughter
Though my eyes were blurry reality was clear
No use in hiding my pain and anger
I inhaled deeply to suffocate my fear

Already hurting won't let salt be poured
My wounds at times still feel so fresh
Self inflicted and self procured
Those days were mere steps from death

Sunken and drowning into the typical ways
Smiling and laughing through the burning thoughts
Devising whether to move on or try again
And here you are again, my lies have been caught

Misunderstanding and over analysis
So is the story of most my tales
Others' lives I can reformat and make sense of
Attempts on my own and oh how it fails

The future is painted in fading colors
Such a picture that changes in any light
Somehow your face always blended right in
And memories of times past I can't lose sight

Memories of days and nights of endless hysteria
A friendship I built on lust and I was devoured
You're always there when I go searching
I await hopelessly like a wilting flower

Dear John is how it began, oh the depths I cried
And we talked you listened you smiled
Because nothing that i said to you made sense
Fooled by your benevolence and so I was defiled

Close my eyes wander off to that night
When you opened the door and left with her
He hugged me closer knowing my defeat
Never again will you be the source of my hurts


Count the dimensions of the mind’s heart
The levels and complexities that drive
Thoughts to be analyzed infinitely
Words to be dissected to find their origin
Explicitly describing all that is known
While emotions run havoc pure chaos
The moment being is crystal clear
Mouths utter a few words and destroy
Any advancement any conclusions
New page started and hypothesis revised
Novels of notes scribbles and sketches
Reviewing past accounts and consequences
No stranger to the effect of your cause
Foresight is a gift which you’ve proven to lack
Ironically, your few words speak loudly
And when you share volumes they’re lies
Egotistical it was to deem a connection to you
Some things are best left unknown
Fight the urges to scrutinize your actions
Hopeless the subject has become
But a sense of closure I have won

Truth Be Told

Walking cautiously balancing it all
Fearing the failure fearing a fall
Building up pressure earthquakes ahead
Counting the hours growing in dread

Tension increases chest so tight
Crying impatience through most nights
Faces in memories fiending the past
Breath sacrificed how much more can it last

Painted smiles dancing glass figurines
Trust defiled nothing’s what it seems
Forced to go stepwise wanting to fly
No more filters to decipher the lies

Enslaved in the present no path to move on
And finally allowing tears to crash down
Impulsively throwing flinging out everything
Tell you my thoughts dire need of healing

A waterfall of beauty, words poured in my heart
Days went on heavenly even when apart
Bedtime was treasured your breath felt inside
Tortures of the world were another's demise

Painstakingly observed actions you took
Foolishly pretended I could not read your book
Instincts ignored how could this be fraud
Until awakened for your presence was gone

List after list, scribbling false hates
Deeply knowing emotions cannot be faked
So with this letter perhaps a song
These were the consequences to your wants

Missed you then, today, possibly tomorrow
But one day soon your name will not be my sorrow
Admitting to myself admitting to you
Yes I still care though our lives are through


There’s a man sleeping.
Dark circles shadow his eyes.
Hands are hardened,
Wonder when last he smiled.

There’s a child laughing,
Pulling his mothers short hair.
She’s not as amused
Yet no one notices her there

I’m just here sitting -
Silently watching these worlds
What would i do,
If i were in their shoes?
Why do I even care?

Someone is coughing
Into their arm i can see
No one offers a tissue
What happened to empathy?

Was it always like this?
All so callous and cold.
Faces pale and drained,
Dreams torn then tattered,
Waiting to grow old.

Some-day and sometimes..
I add to the ignorance,
Pretend nothing’s around.
But, I can’t always be so blind

One day, the sleep shall awaken,
The depressed will smile.
A child will hug his mother,
A tissue offered will be sublime.


Rainbows on kittens and teardrops on roses
The sound of smiling people drown my eyes
Place my head on a pillow and I start falling
Dinner’s at 5 and it’s 6a.m. in the sky

My arms are dysfunctional please take them off
Yours look much stronger, may i try them on
Again lost my left shoe, but I hear it calling
My ride has left me, and it’s long past dawn

Allowed myself to believe this was reality
Ignored the no trespassing signs
With words like its about time and I deserve this
Foolish and selfish, this my fantasy of mine

Stared at the sun, the painful beauty was addicting
You warned, but it’s call was louder than your voice
Tears fell onto the dock, and i closed my eyes
It’d be easy to, I whispered, and it’ll be my choice

Slowly we stand up, daytime’s so dreary
The luxurious night has left us once again
Back to my bed, in hopes of sweet dreaming
Praying that the nightmares won’t swarm my head

Eyes Escape

Stared at the canvas beneath each brushstroke
From a glance I saw myself crying
With every second that passed by
I saw the colors emerging

Blue as the ocean, spots of white from a cloud
Showered in red from their bleeding hearts
Greenest of green as though from a child
The brightest orange stolen from fires

Your face hung in the middle of that chaos
But your name I could not recognize
Your eyes burned straight through my history
So many secrets were no longer mine

Sitting there for the next three hours
Each glance stole something new
At some point a stranger sat beside me
Politely gave, a how do you do

Certain of the innocence of his intention
I turned to him to reply
Stunned at the face that i encountered
Short of breath thinking let me die

His smile was awkward and silent
His voice as mysterious as his clothes
No telling where he came from nor going
He took hold of my arm we rose

No direction no words no people around
The halls echoed with my steps
Somewhere between minutes and miles
I blinked and suddenly came back

Voices and laughter, shushing from guards
And I on this bench alone
Gathered my things and said goodbye
Time to begin the trek home

Dancer's End

She sways like the waves of the ocean
Everyone watches hypnotized
With the beat of the drums her hips thump
All heads follow unknowingly
In circles all at once carressing her audience
Stopping in front of a dirty stranger
The rhythms changing her direction
What is this pounding of his drum
No longer does she orchestrate the song
From his hands a new bass echoes
Possessed, entrapped, her body is not her own
Swift movements force her chest out
A loud boom arches her back
The floor has become covered in hot coals
And as she attempts to escape
Her skirts used to fan away the heat
These seconds turn to minutes
Everyone there knows that she’s disappeared
To a place where all she can hear
Is this dirty strangers bass drum beat
Sweat rolls between her breast
Her lungs inhale their last breath
And as suddenly as it all had begun
She falls in exhale to her knees
Face down, covered by her mane
His callous hands touch her cheek
And like a weightless body, she rises
Their eyes meet, he smiles, she dies


Heard a whisper come into my world
It took control of all i was thinking all i was doing
Dropped the phone turned out the lights
Closed my eyes to picture what you looked like
Felt your warm breath upon my neck
Your cheek brushed mine i felt trapped
Moving to music no one could hear
Pressed against my back moving along
The rhythm you followed just fine
Could you hear what i hear, Do you feel what i feel
What are your desires because i know mine
In the dark i’ve no sense of time
I can smell your cologne with each breath I take
Movements are no longer mine
My arms move to find yours, But i’m grasping at the wind
Eyes open where have i gone, Unfamiliar faces surround
Shadows follow without moonlight to guide
And you’re nothing more than a distant memory
The color of your eyes fade, texture of your skin is faint
The sound of your voice belongs to a stranger
But your name still lingers on obscuring my thoughts
As its whispered in my world over and over


I saw you yesterday and my worst fears came true
Frozen I stood, but I was invisible to you
Your eyes were glazed, speech was silent
You lied empty, spilled with broken promises

Last minutes seen on your ghostly face
Left here to dry in this forbidden space
Who what where when why and how
The sirens are blaring should I hide now

After all is done, said all in past tense
Over to my right freedom - a fence
But frozen still my feet refuse
So I come down to lie next to you

Your mouth has not changed, your eyes gleam blue
But your lips no longer smile, your necks askew
All those years now wasted away
Stand up dear for here you can’t stay

My vision is blurred only to focus on you
No one will ever believe you’d ever be subdued
And past the ocean of viewers I stroll
No looking back, for my heart has grown cold

On this once warm night, you were torn apart
Shame on you my sweet, for breaking my heart

My Opium

Your addiction is worse than any cocaine
Ecstacy brings laughs, but you destroy pain
I take a deep breath and inhale you in
Oh, my sweet opium, make love to me again

After years of searching through the abuse
You appeared in my life and became my muse
Through different eyes I see the same shadows
What's come over me, I'm breathing so shallow

This taste in my mouth now fills my mind
Nightmares surround and become to unwind
I'm hostage to your sensual scent
Don't stop please I beg, I'm not ready yet

This pipe my hand loves to caress
The burn I can feel travel through my breast
It fogs my head, and tingles my ears
I can see the walls closing in, but feel no fear

My heart is a strangers, beating in my chest
The regrets of the past I soon forget
Circus clowns are jumping on my bed
And we laugh til dawn when dreams lie dead

My opium, soft skin, smooth touch, betrayer
So many promises made doomed for failure
Once here now gone, no longer could I afford
And the truth resonates as you walked out the door


Pictures in my mind so hard to describe
The chaos, homicide, and the suicides
These nightmares that I cannot define
What pulses my veins what draws these lines
Social acceptance for it I'm not inclined
Though to be normal tempted I will not lie
Live the typical ways and never shine
Words spoken clearly and to never misguide
Low ambitions be set ignore my pride
Making due in this world so happy and blind
For if I do not see how can I be deprived
Too late for me now because I've seen the life

Possibilities, grandiosities, but not live lavishly
Live accordingly, with a sense of satisfactory
Use the extent of my abilities, no animosity
For me, myself, and I can be friends not enemies

Intelligent enough to know I'm not the brightest
Too emotional to prance around in disguises
So impulsive I've become drowned in consequences
Wet eared thinking I have an eternity of chances
Accustomed to having it all served on a silver platter
Throwing tantrums if and when making them all scatter
Grown with responsibilities of my own, I can't handle
Wrong decisions have turned reality into such a scandal

Now these nightmares every morning I try to decipher
A snake thought dead and riding in the mouth of a tiger
A whorehouse of halls with awaiting men
Unknowing that they have all paid for their very end
Of kingdoms of demons and creatures alike
Taking on forms and soaring through the skies
From a fast food restaurant to a parallel world
Where you had to prove yourself more than a mere girl
Getting arrested and taken to speak to a judge
Having a twin sister take advantage mark you corrupt
Seeing the insanity slowly take over those around
Instead of escaping, dig yourself deeper in the ground

What has become of me?
What is this I'm saying?
Is this another test,
Or more proof of my crazy?


Turn of the century clothes, long gowns, hidden heels
Up the stairs we walked excitedly predicting what was behind those doors
Opened wide as though we were royalty, we were taken by the arm
Entered to an infinitely long hallway of doors that hid secrets
Men bowed their heads and greeted us with sinister smiles
We were each led separately into the only rooms with open doors
Inside a man lay, waiting, expecting, smiling, salivating
Behind me the door shut, and my heart was pounding
This is my new life, for which I pay for with my life
Off the bed he approached and turned me for a thorough inspection
Half turn more and his hands were on my shoulders and back
His heat emanated from his waist and his smell could fool you
Into thinking he were years younger than his face proved
From the men that greeted me earlier, I imagine it could be worse
So I closed my eyes and allowed him to lead my gown to the floor
In my corset and undergarments, I lay on this bed
He started at my ankles, and gently kissed, I was grateful for the time
Slowly he went up my calves and thighs, and deeper into another realm I fell
I imagined a being made of muscle and chivalry, not this old merchant
A tear escaped my eye and fell to the pillow as he made his way
His hands gripped my panties and ripped them off savagely
But I kept still, not allowing his antics to remove me from where I sent myself
He investigated my flower with his thumb, and with his mouth he parted me
I felt him slither around with his tongue, as though he were desert thirsty
Wetness poured his face and I thought he would stop but it made him more fierce
The longer he went, the further away I disappeared, the more I forgot
Soon my hips would move, my back arched, my own thighs I held for support
My forehead perspired, my heart pounded, my breath escaped into moans
As though on signal, he bit me and pulled, and moved his fingers in for the kill
Thrusting, and turning, eating, I could not understand how much more I could stand
He took both his hands and held my hips down, forcing them down
I fought in reflex, then closed my thighs around his neck
And with a final scream I came, and before I opened my eyes I did my job
In a swift movement, I turned my thighs, full torque, until I knew
That his hunger pangs were satisfied, and his soul had left his body