Sunday, November 25, 2012

Truth

I guess my mind really is all messed up. How depressing is it to know that you have poor coping skills? To know that not everyone responds to situations the way you do. That people actually can get through things that seem like a dark scary abyss to me. I've always been different. I am different.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Sleep

Sleep is very underrated. I slept all day today. I feel really good. And not that manicky good. Just normal.good. I'm not angry, sad, paranoid. I'm just me. Existing like I should. I love my kids and they didn't drive me crazy when I was awake. I actually wanted to be around them. It's sad that I even say that, but yes, I avoid them as much as I avoid my husband. Everything angers me. I'd rather just hide my wrath from everyone by staying away. Today I didn't. I loved my family and showed it. I didn't hide - once I actually got some sleep!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Nobody

I'm hearing voices it seems
At times clear and not
But whobdo I tell
Fir those that understand
Could cost me my living
And those I love are at a loss
Nobody exists physically in this world
That I can find comfort in

What am I supposed to do?
I truly don't want to live
I'm almost at the point of selfishness
And desperate enough
To find a way out
The night before last
I finally understood why ppl hang themselves
I choked myself and it was serene
And then I gasped and I cried
And cried and cried

Yesterday I was numb
I was heavy and my muscles ached
I wanted it over

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Post mania

I was on call last night. I also had been awake since 2am. Yeah, I know. Stupid ass me. It is what it is. Being on call made my mind race, so I got hyper and ocd. I was multitasking and doing what I had to. Consequences ensue. I became slowly hypomanic on the bus ride Hoke. Acting out would land me in the hospital. I had no choice but to hold it in. It hurts. Its sensory overload. All I could see was crushing my skull, oiling the ppl next to me. Slicing my skin anywhere I could find. It hasn't been this intense in a long time. Even right now as I type my body is shivering. Its the hangover. I finally was able to let go.some when I got in the car. Jason per usual just told me to calm down. Sometimes I wish he would just learn to hold me when I get this way instead of walking away. It makes it all hurt more. I was almost catatonic. He undressed me. I sat on the toilet and cried. I wished I had ling nails bc I was scraping at me back and neck and that help alleviate the intensity. I punched myself multiple times with both my fist. It was mostly to my forehead tho. I guess I'm not strong enough to leave bruises. He brought me clothes and just left them next to me in the bathroom. I cried.more. I finally went numb. The meds kicked in. I grabbed the clothes and laid down. I couldn't standard the feeling of anything on my skin. He couldn't understand. He left to go eat. He left to go eat. He left. I was curled up on the bed. Slowly calming down. I drifted and the voices started to be audible. I don't remember what they said. I know I answered them. My memory is not right. He didn't hear me. He put me aside because he didn't know what to do. I need someone to help me get through these times. I can't do it alone. I guess I have to learn how to do it for myself.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The time

I finally know when the time is
I finally got the message I was waiting for.
They'll be taken care of
They'll understand one day
Everyone will be happy
And I won't have to feel this darkness anymore.

Tale

Stranger days and strangers tonight
Face is known well, but not to my sight
Circles I ran, but me they still find
Screeching, "Empty the crowded mind!"
Laughter enclosed in my skull so tight
A horror, a nightmare, it's one of a kind

As my eyes swell, my throat tightens
They know the secrets of what most frightens
Pulling the strings, control escapes
Souls so lost, disappeared agape
The darkness thickens, no light can brighten
Deny the reality of this horrid fate

Trials to strengthen, weakness prevails
Masked hope in close distance - to no avail
Searching the skies for what looks like years
Trying to stand in the rushing waters of tears
This is no lie, but heart crushing tale
This is no lie, but my heart crushing tale

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

And no one sees the pain, I hide behind my eyes
And no one feels the aches, that I hold in my throat
And no can seem to know, why my blood pours
And no can read the words, that I've clearly written out

Have I been encrypted to a point beyond of recognition
That no one can sense an iota of desperation, I'm at the last resort 

Puppet master pull the strings
On this last line, I'm barely hanging

My mind, my mouth-
They're not my own;
My body, my emo-tions-
They're being controlled.
What is this that's going on
In supposedly me?
Why is it that this universe
Is acting so hauntingly?
Slowly being possessed by,
creatures, unheard and unseen;
Defiling my fond memories,
erasing my haven, so serene.




Saturday, June 2, 2012

RIP

And like the wind moves the waters
Like the storms that rage the trees
So her body shifts with no exertion
To the sounds of nature's breeze

Her mind is numb to the city
Her feet do not touch the ground
Heavenly her arms caress the pain
From the mistakes that hauntingly surround

Steams damn the windows to her soul
The punishment to hold it within
Throat's aching to release
Her consequential mortal sins

Seamlessly embracing the thoughts
That others' can ignore with ease
Until the day that darkness showers
So she may finally lie and rest in peace

Friday, June 1, 2012

Without Consequence

That you could see how the darkness suffocates my soul
That the mere thought of touch hardens my skin
So many years of going through the shows with masks of varying colors
All so that no one will know what it feels like to die everyday
And awaken yet again to relive the past as though it was that morning
Each water drop acid pains my cheeks and no hand dare touches to wipe it away
For the fear of being hurt themselves is far greater than the ache to help another
Why must we forego on day that give us no rest?
Why must we live on the days that we wish we did not exist?
Are there no times allowed for us to become visibly invisible?
For someone to know the strife that we are anguishing ourselves through
Without having to utter a sound nor shed a single tear
Is there anyone that can comprehend the language of tears
The language of cries that make no sound
The pangs on a chest that wishes to burst open but it trapped within these bones
What life is this that we are given no choice without consequence?

Angels' Sing

Sit still and listen
They sing for us
If you listen close enough
The angels, they're singing
The louder you hear
The clearer the sounds
The closer you are
To going home
So listen attentively
Be astuste with your ears
For when they come singing
They are coming for you

Saturday, April 14, 2012

This is me, this moment in time...

Black hole, deep ocean waters, slowly pulling me in.
The waters freezing cold, but soon as the tide rises, I go numb.
Wanting for the wounds to heal and fighting for more blood
A struggle between spirit and flesh, who will become victorious?
Old scars I plainly see, and hide them from the world.
There's no vacancy in normal land.
I'm sitting in the cold, shivering as I write.
But still I take the pain, all that I deserve.
A breakthrough I have made, but in denial still.
Try to focus on tomorrow, happiness is a nightmare.
A tease people flaunt, or more skilled at hiding it than me.
Sing a song of sorrows, morbid pleasures found through pains.
Slowly tearing at my heart, vein by bloody vein.
Full is my chest, release I do desire.
Slit my throat to ease the pressure, of living in the valleys of despair.
Self destruction is the goal, self destruction is all I know.
Self destruction with no end, or none that I was told.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Pics from the Fun House




3 Poems


Forgotten 3.21.2012
Within pins and needles I've made my bed
To rest the thoughts that surround me
Because truth is a dagger that I must swallow
My reflection shows acid puddle within my eyes
This fortress I've built begins to crumble
Once it protected me from the pains of being forgotten
Yet, it's too much too soon too lost too disdain
Crimson puffs out my cheeks
As ocean water drops drip down my temples
And with a quiver my lips weaken
Release the dagger to relieve the pain
For being forgotten is a painful poison to swallow
Allow the acid to burn my face as the dams break
The swiftness of my hand proven
As shattered glass covers the floor
And pieces that are left
Show the brokenness of my heart




Danse Macabre 3.19.2012
Decorated in frail stitches and fading scars
Lucidity, tranquility, fluidity of peace
In search of uncovering the perfect stone
For somewhere someone has hidden the key


Leaping with the strength of a grand jete
Tumbling to inhale the the dirt and gravel
Scraped and tattered feigning contentment
A smile, a bow, a 6 foot plan and shovel


Just as quick as a rose will perish on stage
So does the serenity of the innocents
The weight of years of Confucius' confusions
Will warp the mind into nonsensical nonsense


Drowning in the vastness of salted waters
This tub filled to the brim by my own eyes
Crimson showers cleanse this future
But not everyone that bleeds will ultimately die


So a wish that has no ending
A prayer that has no words
Seeking solace in the numbness
All the while the world still turns





RIVER 3.10.2012
I try to walk with faith, but so much I hesistate
Knowing that You're near me, makes me feel safe
But my greatest enemy, is she who lies inside
Lying lies upon me, playing with my mind


And river runs dry and my eyes and head ache
White waters in my heart, focusing on mistakes
Peaceful calming ocean, but puddles are all I find
Living nightmares before me that I thought I left behind


Angels, I hear singing, in chorus to uplift me
But doubts shackle to my ankles won't let it be
So hear I kneel before Him, with my tears to sacrifice
But nothing I have to offer will ever suffice


For His mercy is unending, His grace a gift indeed
If I got what I deserved, how devastated would I be
Mountains moved I witnessed, yet I still cry
Your loving arms embrace me, until the river runs dry

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I want to draw

I want to draw
But not on this paper
I want to draw
But not with this pen
I want to draw
Dark red lines with this razor
I want to draw
Upon my skin

Forgotten

Within pins and needles I've made my bed
To rest the thoughts that surround me
Because truth is a dagger that I must swallow
My reflection shows acid puddle within my eyes
This fortress I've built begins to crumble
Once it protected me from the pains of being forgotten
Yet, it's too much too soon too lost too disdain
Crimson puffs out my cheeks
As ocean water drops drip down my temples
And with a quiver my lips weaken
Release the dagger to relieve the pain
For being forgotten is a painful poison to swallow
Allow the acid to burn my face as the dams break
The swiftness of my hand proven
As shattered glass covers the floor
And pieces that are left 
Show the brokenness of my heart

Monday, March 19, 2012

2 Poems


DANSE MACABRE
Decorated in frail stitches and fading scars
Lucidity, tranquility, fluidity of peace
In search of uncovering the perfect stone
For somewhere someone has hidden the key

Leaping with the strength of a grand jete
Tumbling to inhale the the dirt and gravel
Scraped and tattered feigning contentment
A smile, a bow, a 6 foot plan and shovel

Just as quick as a rose will perish on stage
So does the serenity of the innocents
The weight of years of Confucius' confusions 
Will warp the mind into nonsensical nonsense

Drowning in the vastness of salted waters
This tub filled to the brim by my own eyes
Crimson showers cleanse this future
But not everyone that bleeds will ultimately die

So a wish that has no ending
A prayer that has no words
Seeking solace in the numbness
All the while the world still turns


RIVER 
I try to walk with faith, but so much I hesistate
Knowing that You're near me, makes me feel safe
But my greatest enemy, is she who lies inside
Lying lies upon me, playing with my mind

And river runs dry and my eyes and head ache
White waters in my heart, focusing on mistakes
Peaceful calming ocean, but puddles are all I find
Living nightmares before me that I thought I left behind

Angels, I hear singing, in chorus to uplift me
But doubts shackle to my ankles won't let it be
So hear I kneel before Him, with my tears to sacrifice
But nothing I have to offer will ever suffice

For His mercy is unending, His grace a gift indeed
If I got what I deserved, how devastated would I be
Mountains moved I witnessed, yet I still cry
Your loving arms embrace me, until the river runs dry

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Manic Rant of today's morning's hours


So right now you're either getting ready to go to work, getting ready to go home from work, meanwhile I'm just trying to plan the next two years of our lives in residency.. I'm losing my mind.. and not in the funny haha way.. but in the serious my head's spinning and I'm seeing things kinda way.. in the way that I'm actually putting myself plain to see that the inner workings of my mind or not the norm.. what we call u are regulars.. we're not part of the regulars w the regular ups and downs.. bc out extremes cause monsters to jump out from the walls.. it causes voices to talk to us in our heads.. it causes our minds to b the most deviant clown.. our mind turns on us and we are medicated.. medicated bc the mind spirit and flesh are all in communication via these neurotransmitters and when they're out of whack the flesh convinces the mind to do horrid things that our spirit feels.. and its not fair.. none of it is.. i don't want to see the boogey man crawl around me. i don't want to hear my voice yelling at other voices that keep me from hearing my own self from thinking... this is me.. this is what i live w.. this is what i hide on a daily basis.. and its not easy, but i do.. for the sake of my children's sanity.. for the sake of Jason's sanity.. for the sake of keeping myself in tune w reality, as much as my mind and flesh try to escape it.. if this is your definition of crazy.. then so be it.. but there's no way on earth that I will let it win.. I fight everyday for God gives me the strength to.. and this is my testimony that "it" will not win. These are my rantings.. interpret as u may.. I HAD THIS AS MY STATUS.. I LEFT IT UP FOR A WHOLE 30 SECONDS BEFORE THE FEAR OF WHAT PPL MAY THINK CAME OVER ME.. ALL I COULD THINK WAS THIS WILL JUST FURTHER PROVE THAT THO I FEEL LIKE I AM STABLE, I'M PROBABLY NOT..

As much as ppl know I have bp.. I have finally realized that they will never understand what it means, and that they will never accept it either.. we are anomalies.. trapped by are our minds.. bc as much as we want to escape and yell This Is Who I Am! The more fear and distance ppl will put bt them and us.. there is no stigma.. there is fear.. there is misunderstanding.. there is misinterpretation.. maybe that is the definition of stigma.. but stigma is a word that doesn't fully encompass the inner mindlings and thoughtlings that are lingering and repeatingly workingly fathoming ridiculousness interpretedness of nonsensicalness in this fish bowl we swim in for all to gawk at and point and laugh or coward in fear.. for fear is what causes this stigma and stigma is the easy way out for explaining what we have become in a society that refuses to learn or to be bold enough to take a step into understanding the mind of someone else.. or maybe its not fear, but rather they just don't care.. and there is no stigma.. just laughter.. no caring to understand and therefore it's easier to poke fun.. i hate the word stigma.. it loses its meaning after saying it repeatedly..

these are the things that if we say to a regular they will give us that look O_o and inevitably say "Are you okay?" well... DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM!!!

shhhh... my body is still but my mind is racing.. my inside me is pacing in circles and yelling for everyone else to shut up bc we have a monologue to be completed but cannot focus when dialogues are being spoken all around us.. this is not madness.. this is life. 

‎...and it will go unnoticed... quietly fading into the background.. I bid u adieu and take a bow.. *Curtain closes* and scene. 

Monday, February 27, 2012

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hot showers and razor blades
Quite the conundrum this game I play
For instead of replacing one with the other
A synergy of energy was brought together
Will a dabble in this bottle
 A green pills sublime
So many things are now swimming
In this mind of mine
I say what they want but do as I please
Because who's to know
I won't tell on me
So the excuse was invented
If ever questioned
Stupid wicker chair
and toys needing reach

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

For My Memoir


There's always a crash.. there's always a craving.. the urge never leaves, just changes in intensity.. it's like the few seconds before the drop on a roller coaster.. but nothing ever gives u the satisfaction u desire.. so we chase it.. cutting, sex, pills, to heighten to reach climax or to lower to kill the tickle.. that feeling that makes u cough.. that pull.. that attraction to take risks that regular ppl could never understand.. the magnetism so intense.. right now.. the urge is winning.. I'm invincible

No Sleep, Can't Sleep

Witches' Brew

Untitled

Garden of Eden

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Succinct I am NOT


  • So apparently I am the ONLY PERSON in the greater Orlando area that is on Saphris.. How do I know this? you ask.. be I have been to 6 different pharmacies and no one has it and they even called other stores for me! So I have to wait until Monday to get it.. did i fail to mention that I don't have anymore and add to that basket that I am slowly going up and up and up to the point that i was driving on the highway and almost got into two car accidents to the point that i caught myself swerving w the beat of a song.. to the point that i kept hearing them calling to take my babies away to the point that I was going to just walk right into the hospital and tell them i'm going kill someone if u don't admit me.. to the point that i can't decipher stars from being UFO.. to the point that i'm yelling from my porch I SEE YOU!!!!!! I CAN SEE YOU!!!!! And then realize that none of this is logical yet i have no logical explanation and now this post has taken a life of its own and i can't seem to stop bc i have had so many thoughts so many conversations ppl commenting on everyone that i saw today like the lady w the fro who wears makeup and fancy clothes yet she needs a pedicure or the boy who is being defiant in school who is obviously just acting up bc he is having issues w being gay yet he does not know it or won't admit to it.. and if ur still reading this God bless your heart bc u have more patience than me bc i don't know if i could have read something this long not at least right now maybe sometimes but definitely infinitely catastrophically immaculately manifest destiny perhaps someday this will make sense.. I want to b normal.. I am in therapy to learn how to b human bc right now I feel like I am alien to this world.. this flesh has me confined.. i want to erase the layers that clog and suffocate my being spirit soul whatever what have you to do if you do this and not that as a matter of face it can be and will be what u want it to be unless ur in the sea and see what i see for what i see you can't see bc then u would b me and then who would i be, u see?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

To My New Friends

No configuration in calculus can explain
How all these feelings some deem mundane
Made up, fabricated, attention sought
Is truly what weighs my heart so much

Understanding and comfort our soul needs
But deprivation and anxiety is what we meet
Then along comes a stranger made friend
Whose wisdom for soothing knows no end

With you, my friend, these pains we endure
For another day we survive, for there is no cure
Each day at a time, and step by step
We hold hands, and no one we forget

For it manipulates our thoughts and traps our mind
Strangling our confidence, drowning our lives
But together, bonded, we fight this unseen intruder
And together, stronger, we fight - no matter how brutal

Monday, January 9, 2012

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dream 2012


oh I remember now! I was in Australia and met a homeless guy and we hung out and we were in a park w what seemed like other homeless ppl.. i had my bag w me and Australian currency and I gave the guy some money and he and I were gambling and I won a bunch of money and gave it to him.. then it turned out he wasn't homeless just kinda poor and dirty.. so I met his crazy big family.. mostly little kids and they were planning on going to the beach and so I told them I would while i waited for my plane and so we waited in line and when it was my turn (we somehow were in Jamaica now waiting in line at some sort of market table where u buy plane tickets)

Anyway, I asked how much it was to fly to florida and they had a flight leaving at 3 but the cost was $1200 and I only had $500 plus some random Australian currency.. So I would have to call my mom to get more money but had to get out of line to do so and then they found another flight at 6pm which was cheaper, it was $1122. But I wanted to get home so I told them I'd b back and I told the family that I was with what was going on and since it was so early we decided to go to the beach but then there was all this water.. from everywhere and it was rising.. But just before the water rising, my ex showed up and was getting closer and closer to me and was yelling and being intimidating.. then I disappeared w the family w the water still rising and all I could think of was that the phone was wet and I couldn't call my mom.. I was so pissed.. so i went to the beach..

Then i was somehow involved w a Jamaican prison.. it was all about forming lines and listening to the corrections officer for directions.. eventually I was ahead of the line and was given my duty which was cleanup.. now jump ahead to me walking in the market and their were these tiny pots w plants in them.. and stores everywhere and everyone was poor and everything in the stores were relatively cheap but no one could afford them.. then I see my mom and I tell her about the tickets and she goes that's ok we'll use my debit card but let me look around first.. So that meant i could use my money to shop.. So i looked around. Saw my mom again and my mom rushes to me and says that she just bought a bunch of stuff for some kids and it was like $20 per kid that she spent and she said she never realized how little american currency it took to help ppl in Jamaica, so she was like on this campaign to help ppl.. The tiny plant sellers were pissed at her.. (she was a long lost sister apparently)

Well I kept walking and found the more expensive stores where you could buy genuine Chanel etc for mad cheap.. I got my makeup done and hair done and it looked awesome but I got annoyed bc the makeup wasn't even and I went to fix it and messed up.. Then the makeup artist had to redo it and I didn't touch it.  There was a red bag that was only $125 and it was a brand that started w a B and it sounded like Burka.. Well I liked it but didn't want it so this girl I came in the store w was going to buy it.  Then I saw jewelry for so cheap and was about to buy it and my mom comes in yelling that I can't buy it bc my money can go to better use and I yelled at her saying "I hate that you're such a fucking liberal!" And a white couple replied to each other, now there's a conservative.  I don't know if i bought the jewelry bc I think now I was back in the prison looking up baby names for my twin (boy and girl) and we ended w the names Yuma and Yume bc they were ancients in the times when God allowed for everything to be tried to see the consequences and the consequences were not good and somehow that was how we knew why God didn't want us to do certain things.

At some point while in the market I saw my ex again, but he had be come cachetic.. he was all skin and bones and was yelling to the sky "where are the power and riches and mansions u promised me?"  I no longer feared him but just tearfully pitied him.  It was so sad. (Side note: my ex was severely delusional about the end of the world and him being the antichrist and that he would come to great power if he accepted his position as the antichrist)

Then I went back to shopping at the market and my mom was with me, i was telling her I needed to buy a new shirt bc the one i was wearing didn't fit anymore bc I was getting bigger as my dream was going along.  She gave me some negative feedback bc she thought I was just complaining but eventually she wanted to buy me a maternity dress bc my belly had gotten so big. It was a dress with a light jean top around the breast and belly and then it flowed out into a wispy long skirt.  Some girl had tried it on before me and it fit her very nice but she didn't want it and then my mom found a hole in the one that she tried on but then we found one a size M (she had the Large) and one the size 2. The girl was bigger than me so we took the size M.

Before i could buy the dress tho there was some boat in the sea that we (me and who knows who else) were in and there were pirates but they found out we only had $800 so they left us alone and we were relieved and when we got back to the states there was a man that investigators were suspecting as being one of the men that were trying to pirate our boat.  Before the men could do so they had to wait for him to return.  On his return tho he was mad as in crazy mad and it was night and foggy.  The wife saw he was mad and rushed her son to his room and then he let the daughter in and she ran to the boys room. Then the wife began to run, thinking he'd never hurt the kids.  But when she looked back he grabbed the kids and made them run.  He chased them w a short black spear gun. He shot his wife w it and the kids were hiding what seemed like outside but he set fire to the house and they were in there.  The daughter died of smoke inhalation but the son survived somehow and was found by some men.  The detectives were in the garage of the house and there was a ring on top of the car and they found a short black spear gun poking out of a mess and apparently the gold ring they found on the wife was enough to get a search warrant to get the spear gun.

Back at the market in Jamaica and some man died that was married to the sister of the women that sold tiny plants. He was a bad man tho but I had to get the story of him, but the women hated me bc i was my mom's daughter and the other sister that came out to b my mom (long lost one) was supposed to come but didn't which made them more mad.  I went to some voodoo shop and asked about him but they couldn't tell me anything.  Then i went to the sister's and made some plants that were almost dead come back to life by replanting them and they accepted that as a peace offering.

My mom bought me that dress.

The End