Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I want to draw

I want to draw
But not on this paper
I want to draw
But not with this pen
I want to draw
Dark red lines with this razor
I want to draw
Upon my skin


Within pins and needles I've made my bed
To rest the thoughts that surround me
Because truth is a dagger that I must swallow
My reflection shows acid puddle within my eyes
This fortress I've built begins to crumble
Once it protected me from the pains of being forgotten
Yet, it's too much too soon too lost too disdain
Crimson puffs out my cheeks
As ocean water drops drip down my temples
And with a quiver my lips weaken
Release the dagger to relieve the pain
For being forgotten is a painful poison to swallow
Allow the acid to burn my face as the dams break
The swiftness of my hand proven
As shattered glass covers the floor
And pieces that are left 
Show the brokenness of my heart

Monday, March 19, 2012

2 Poems

Decorated in frail stitches and fading scars
Lucidity, tranquility, fluidity of peace
In search of uncovering the perfect stone
For somewhere someone has hidden the key

Leaping with the strength of a grand jete
Tumbling to inhale the the dirt and gravel
Scraped and tattered feigning contentment
A smile, a bow, a 6 foot plan and shovel

Just as quick as a rose will perish on stage
So does the serenity of the innocents
The weight of years of Confucius' confusions 
Will warp the mind into nonsensical nonsense

Drowning in the vastness of salted waters
This tub filled to the brim by my own eyes
Crimson showers cleanse this future
But not everyone that bleeds will ultimately die

So a wish that has no ending
A prayer that has no words
Seeking solace in the numbness
All the while the world still turns

I try to walk with faith, but so much I hesistate
Knowing that You're near me, makes me feel safe
But my greatest enemy, is she who lies inside
Lying lies upon me, playing with my mind

And river runs dry and my eyes and head ache
White waters in my heart, focusing on mistakes
Peaceful calming ocean, but puddles are all I find
Living nightmares before me that I thought I left behind

Angels, I hear singing, in chorus to uplift me
But doubts shackle to my ankles won't let it be
So hear I kneel before Him, with my tears to sacrifice
But nothing I have to offer will ever suffice

For His mercy is unending, His grace a gift indeed
If I got what I deserved, how devastated would I be
Mountains moved I witnessed, yet I still cry
Your loving arms embrace me, until the river runs dry

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Manic Rant of today's morning's hours

So right now you're either getting ready to go to work, getting ready to go home from work, meanwhile I'm just trying to plan the next two years of our lives in residency.. I'm losing my mind.. and not in the funny haha way.. but in the serious my head's spinning and I'm seeing things kinda way.. in the way that I'm actually putting myself plain to see that the inner workings of my mind or not the norm.. what we call u are regulars.. we're not part of the regulars w the regular ups and downs.. bc out extremes cause monsters to jump out from the walls.. it causes voices to talk to us in our heads.. it causes our minds to b the most deviant clown.. our mind turns on us and we are medicated.. medicated bc the mind spirit and flesh are all in communication via these neurotransmitters and when they're out of whack the flesh convinces the mind to do horrid things that our spirit feels.. and its not fair.. none of it is.. i don't want to see the boogey man crawl around me. i don't want to hear my voice yelling at other voices that keep me from hearing my own self from thinking... this is me.. this is what i live w.. this is what i hide on a daily basis.. and its not easy, but i do.. for the sake of my children's sanity.. for the sake of Jason's sanity.. for the sake of keeping myself in tune w reality, as much as my mind and flesh try to escape it.. if this is your definition of crazy.. then so be it.. but there's no way on earth that I will let it win.. I fight everyday for God gives me the strength to.. and this is my testimony that "it" will not win. These are my rantings.. interpret as u may.. I HAD THIS AS MY STATUS.. I LEFT IT UP FOR A WHOLE 30 SECONDS BEFORE THE FEAR OF WHAT PPL MAY THINK CAME OVER ME.. ALL I COULD THINK WAS THIS WILL JUST FURTHER PROVE THAT THO I FEEL LIKE I AM STABLE, I'M PROBABLY NOT..

As much as ppl know I have bp.. I have finally realized that they will never understand what it means, and that they will never accept it either.. we are anomalies.. trapped by are our minds.. bc as much as we want to escape and yell This Is Who I Am! The more fear and distance ppl will put bt them and us.. there is no stigma.. there is fear.. there is misunderstanding.. there is misinterpretation.. maybe that is the definition of stigma.. but stigma is a word that doesn't fully encompass the inner mindlings and thoughtlings that are lingering and repeatingly workingly fathoming ridiculousness interpretedness of nonsensicalness in this fish bowl we swim in for all to gawk at and point and laugh or coward in fear.. for fear is what causes this stigma and stigma is the easy way out for explaining what we have become in a society that refuses to learn or to be bold enough to take a step into understanding the mind of someone else.. or maybe its not fear, but rather they just don't care.. and there is no stigma.. just laughter.. no caring to understand and therefore it's easier to poke fun.. i hate the word stigma.. it loses its meaning after saying it repeatedly..

these are the things that if we say to a regular they will give us that look O_o and inevitably say "Are you okay?" well... DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM!!!

shhhh... my body is still but my mind is racing.. my inside me is pacing in circles and yelling for everyone else to shut up bc we have a monologue to be completed but cannot focus when dialogues are being spoken all around us.. this is not madness.. this is life. 

‎...and it will go unnoticed... quietly fading into the background.. I bid u adieu and take a bow.. *Curtain closes* and scene.