Thursday, December 29, 2011

Potential Breaking Point

My head is spinning, I can't stop thinking
I can't control where my mind wanders to
I don't understand, it's getting out of hand
Some peaceful sleep is long overdue

For you see the time, and it feels like a crime
To deprive my body of rest well deserved
Thoughts in my skull, oh anything but dull
I resume the game from an energy reserve

I close these eyes, but to my demise
In this state of mind that's almost impossible to do
Breathe in slow and out, relax to sleep no doubt
But it's not that easy for my body its true

All the sounds are specific, in my ears nearly terrific
The purest form of feeling the realm which I exist
To bottle this serum, inject directly this venom
These thoughts are forced and I can't resist

Will power defeated, my emotions mistreated
So worn out I fathom I look ghostly grim
No earthly potion, seeking the perfect concoction
And witch doctors brews are wearing me thin

A manic's rant.. posted in a support group but I decided to share the entertainment

How does one know their thoughts are racing if they were never slow? What is a normal speed for thoughts? Can we measure it like we do typing? I.guess we could, but we would somehow would have to go into.someones mind while they were thinking.. I have a million dollar idea! I was thinking of creating a detangler solution for hair for ppl who.are tender headed. My daughter has a horrible time when i.detangle her hair bc it hurts so badly on her scalp. I was thinking of taking up knitting for nights like this. Theres a knitting group at the starbucks near where i used to live. I wonder how many of them have bipolar disorder. I wonder how many artist choose to go undiagnosed for the sake of their art... I wonder if they know that u dont have to sacrifice ur artistic mind for the sake of stability. I hate that when i write on my phone instead of the spacebar i.hit th period.. See i.just did it! And again! Ugh.. The little things that bother me.. I.was thinking that one day i will play a trick on my kids whem they get olfer and cover te house in yarn. Not just thrown but actually tie it across the room like to different things! It would look like a mission impossible lazer covered room but w yarn! Lol they would probably have me hospitalized lmao

 No stealing my idea or at least share the profits.. Better yet we can donate it to mental health awareness projects or toys for tots!

a group member asked: what does it feel like when u have so many thoughts?

extremely fast.. like I cant slow down. like just going from my room to the kitchen and back i had about 3 different conversations w myself from here to there and as the hours past it kinda just goes faster but the words haven't merged yet so i'm still ok for the time being..its when the words start to turn to gibberish that i should b worried but that's when i have my thinking language and its fun.. my theory on that is that i have this gibberish that goes on in my head and I can feel what it means but can't translate it into any english language, or spanish for that matter.. but i think thats were some of the anger and rage and irritableness (<~~not a word according to google chrome spell check and apparently neither is "google" Google is tho.) well anyway.. i think that lack of being able to give themselves away to express themselves is why we get so irritable and angry and annoyed at everything so easily.. i think that's why we are so creative.. i mean look at the amount of artist that have bipolar disorder.. creativity is our outlet for us to take out all the thoughts that we are rushing through in our minds and can't translate always into words.. the times that i have put them into words I put them on my blog which u are welcome to go read anytime... its feel free to check it out .. it'll keep u busy if u bother to go through some of it.. i have a lot of post.. sorry I didnt answer ur question.. what it feels like to have so many thoughts at once.. its like a bowl of gulash.. its just a mixture of all these ingredients that to anyone who has never experienced it would look at it and go "eww" but to someone who has experienced it knows how great it can be, but only when made right..if u put the wrong ingredients or go overboard on some seasoning it'll be ruined.. in summary: racing thoughts or whatever u want to call them is like gulash

Friday, December 23, 2011

Day 2 of Brewing

And you breathe the medicine
Breathe and your lung open wide
To welcome the air
That's been choked out of you
And you run rabid in effect
Of what they've given you
For they know not the poison
That they've allowed you to take
And you lose your mind
And laugh out loud
Because no one knows your capable hands
And while some laughed at you
Revenge taste sweet in the end
With blood poured in each stab
And rushing out the door
In new clothes and a car waiting
You jump in and to w friends hiding
Rushing w the rush of doing stupid things
Like being a klepto and not giving a shit
And driving through red lights
In the pouring rain
You're alive again
You crave it all again
You can smell it again
You can taste it again
You want to feel it again
And in time it brews inside of you
And all beware when it's ready

Thursday, December 22, 2011


I've been made fragile, but not made dumb
I've been made different, and sometimes I'm numb
They're all defenses, to hide what they may see
When the demons show out, they scare even me

Because in my head are whirlwinds, like back in Kansas
There's no comparing my anguish, or my stances
From flying high on broom sticks, to being crushed by a house
And melting from water, who I am I still have doubts

I thought I was good, but evils inside me
Simultaneously improbable, none of this can be
So many reasons, to call it all quits
Such deeper reasons, I can't let it win

Sunday, December 18, 2011

You Do Not...You Will Never

You do not understand my tears
Because you have never asked
You do not understand my fears
Because you assume I'm strong
You have never understood my anguish
Because I'm a pro at hiding the truth
You have never known my hurt
Because you are indifferent
You do not understand my mind
Because you never sat and listened
You will never understand me
Because in my shoes you do not fit

Saturday, December 17, 2011

They Love Us

The fantasies become real
And from rooftops we fly
Unknowing that this world
The rules do apply

And as quickly as we laugh
Waterfalls thrash
Into a pool of sorrow
The highs never last

For those that dare
Their love is true
But push we try
To prevent the doom

For all that promise
Empty baskets they fill
But we're bearable
As we drown in pills

Because as long as we hide
They don't have to see
The burning and ache
That lives within me

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Do you Know me?

this is just the beginning of this cycle of mine
feeding the monsters that live in my mind
they thrash at my soul until I submit
and they take me by pieces bit by bit

the voices they shout no matter the day
they scream in my head they won't go away
so loud its deafening can't hear others speak
til the point of no matter I welcome defeat

for they say the cuts heal but scars remind
of the weakness that we have tried to hide
smiles and laughter we gave and we gave
no one suspecting the depths of our graves

sometimes I hear the sound of bells ring
I hear the angels from above sing
I wonder if this day will relief it bring
then shadows come along with the burning

suicide has no guide we live on experience
the sadness that we pour to others oblivious
and when they ask us what's wrong
we ask them what's right
with awkward stares they turn
and walk out of sight

Friday, December 9, 2011

Take These Pills

My soul wants to scream
And my heart wants to ache
But in leiu of this I can't
Because of the pills I take

For my soul wants to scream
And my heart wants to ache
My eyes wish to cry
But I can't for sanity's sake

This soul has been numbed
This heart soley beats
No job they have any longer
Than for my blood's flow to keep

My mind has been melted
Into a goop of apathy
My heart is nothing but a muscle
My soul is a hole filled entity

Monday, December 5, 2011


My passion's my addiction
To be high or low no in between
Reckless behavior I'm not proud of
But nothing else works it seems

I can hide it all away now
Wait til it all heals into scars
This is not all that I'm made of
But relief has me float on stars

Hypnotized as my life drips down
Never enough for me to slip away
The pain others are so afraid of
Keeps me from spiraling insane

They don't seem to understand
Full of anger rage confusion
What have you done to yourself
You're living in delusions

The wounds are getting longer
And soon they'll get deeper
No longer can I release the tears
That used to be my healer

So when I'm numb I hold it in
My smiles the best illusion
Dumbfounded by the paradox
The sting rids me of frustration

I fantasize about it at first
I then become obsessive
Til the thoughts overwhelm
And I can no longer help it

Temporary relief it brings
Instant gratification
Long sleeves in the summer breeze
Theres never a vacation
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Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Friday, December 2, 2011

I know she hates me or thinks little of me what did I do to gain another enemy why does she hate me so much and why do I care because she's always there no matter what she's made her judgement on me because she thinks I'm sort of evil person that doesn't care about other people but I do care sometimes too much and so I have to back off I can't help the way I am sometimes I can but other times it seems I can get carried away and I can't control what I say or do it's like an evil curse to know so many things that you want to say but not be able to control the order in which it comes out and then it just sounds like mashed up gibberish I hate that I am not as smart as I want to be but yet everyone thinks I am I don't see this person they see and doubt I ever will I have no sense in whom I am or who I am it seems like I'm a garbled mess of pieces of my history put together with Elmer's glue waiting for the glue to dry and in the meantime I have it stuck on my fingers and under my nails and there are spots of glue in places where there shouldn't be and little specks of dust and yarn pieces get stuck on it and make what I'm making seem less than perfect because it's so unclean and just when I think it can't get worse the wind takes the paper away and I'm left with the scraps of what I thought was me but instead it's just the leftover pieces of me that no one wants not even me punctuation is important I should have included some in this but in all honesty I don't know where they would fit because this is exactly how my thoughts are running in my head and my hands cannot keep up I keep hitting backspace and delete and hitting wrong keys because my nails are too long and I wish my doctor could see this side of my but I can't show her because she'll think I'm crazy which back before I wouldn't care but now for some reason I crave to be normal and to just blend in and have no one think me any different from the person next to me where once I wanted to stand out I now just with to fade into the background like old wallpaper that no one pays attention to or rather the small piece that is tearing off slowly that no one bothers to fix even they know it's there it just seems to get worse but everyone figures why bother it's not hurting anyone so the tear stays there separating itself from the larger pieces until one day some gets annoyed and tries to fix it by putting glue behind it and slapping it back but the wrinkles form and the imperfection cannot be made perfect cannot can not I hate the word because it should be can not and not cannot because it sounds completely different.
Sometimes it seems I don't know what I mean
For on days like today I can't sit at bay
The waters run rampant wild oh so free
But my thoughts let loose and lose control of me
Nothing's coherent nothing's what it seems
For this scheme I am rhyming sounds like a dream
Still waters are unhealthy for they breed disease
Fresh waves are of plenty for they bring much ease
My writings aren't worthy of publish nor praise
Yet I keep ticking and yet I still amaze
In the end what is is what it's never
And is never is forever
What does it matter
What I do today