Thursday, March 15, 2012

Manic Rant of today's morning's hours

So right now you're either getting ready to go to work, getting ready to go home from work, meanwhile I'm just trying to plan the next two years of our lives in residency.. I'm losing my mind.. and not in the funny haha way.. but in the serious my head's spinning and I'm seeing things kinda way.. in the way that I'm actually putting myself plain to see that the inner workings of my mind or not the norm.. what we call u are regulars.. we're not part of the regulars w the regular ups and downs.. bc out extremes cause monsters to jump out from the walls.. it causes voices to talk to us in our heads.. it causes our minds to b the most deviant clown.. our mind turns on us and we are medicated.. medicated bc the mind spirit and flesh are all in communication via these neurotransmitters and when they're out of whack the flesh convinces the mind to do horrid things that our spirit feels.. and its not fair.. none of it is.. i don't want to see the boogey man crawl around me. i don't want to hear my voice yelling at other voices that keep me from hearing my own self from thinking... this is me.. this is what i live w.. this is what i hide on a daily basis.. and its not easy, but i do.. for the sake of my children's sanity.. for the sake of Jason's sanity.. for the sake of keeping myself in tune w reality, as much as my mind and flesh try to escape it.. if this is your definition of crazy.. then so be it.. but there's no way on earth that I will let it win.. I fight everyday for God gives me the strength to.. and this is my testimony that "it" will not win. These are my rantings.. interpret as u may.. I HAD THIS AS MY STATUS.. I LEFT IT UP FOR A WHOLE 30 SECONDS BEFORE THE FEAR OF WHAT PPL MAY THINK CAME OVER ME.. ALL I COULD THINK WAS THIS WILL JUST FURTHER PROVE THAT THO I FEEL LIKE I AM STABLE, I'M PROBABLY NOT..

As much as ppl know I have bp.. I have finally realized that they will never understand what it means, and that they will never accept it either.. we are anomalies.. trapped by are our minds.. bc as much as we want to escape and yell This Is Who I Am! The more fear and distance ppl will put bt them and us.. there is no stigma.. there is fear.. there is misunderstanding.. there is misinterpretation.. maybe that is the definition of stigma.. but stigma is a word that doesn't fully encompass the inner mindlings and thoughtlings that are lingering and repeatingly workingly fathoming ridiculousness interpretedness of nonsensicalness in this fish bowl we swim in for all to gawk at and point and laugh or coward in fear.. for fear is what causes this stigma and stigma is the easy way out for explaining what we have become in a society that refuses to learn or to be bold enough to take a step into understanding the mind of someone else.. or maybe its not fear, but rather they just don't care.. and there is no stigma.. just laughter.. no caring to understand and therefore it's easier to poke fun.. i hate the word stigma.. it loses its meaning after saying it repeatedly..

these are the things that if we say to a regular they will give us that look O_o and inevitably say "Are you okay?" well... DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM!!!

shhhh... my body is still but my mind is racing.. my inside me is pacing in circles and yelling for everyone else to shut up bc we have a monologue to be completed but cannot focus when dialogues are being spoken all around us.. this is not madness.. this is life. 

‎...and it will go unnoticed... quietly fading into the background.. I bid u adieu and take a bow.. *Curtain closes* and scene. 

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