Thursday, November 15, 2012

Post mania

I was on call last night. I also had been awake since 2am. Yeah, I know. Stupid ass me. It is what it is. Being on call made my mind race, so I got hyper and ocd. I was multitasking and doing what I had to. Consequences ensue. I became slowly hypomanic on the bus ride Hoke. Acting out would land me in the hospital. I had no choice but to hold it in. It hurts. Its sensory overload. All I could see was crushing my skull, oiling the ppl next to me. Slicing my skin anywhere I could find. It hasn't been this intense in a long time. Even right now as I type my body is shivering. Its the hangover. I finally was able to let go.some when I got in the car. Jason per usual just told me to calm down. Sometimes I wish he would just learn to hold me when I get this way instead of walking away. It makes it all hurt more. I was almost catatonic. He undressed me. I sat on the toilet and cried. I wished I had ling nails bc I was scraping at me back and neck and that help alleviate the intensity. I punched myself multiple times with both my fist. It was mostly to my forehead tho. I guess I'm not strong enough to leave bruises. He brought me clothes and just left them next to me in the bathroom. I cried.more. I finally went numb. The meds kicked in. I grabbed the clothes and laid down. I couldn't standard the feeling of anything on my skin. He couldn't understand. He left to go eat. He left to go eat. He left. I was curled up on the bed. Slowly calming down. I drifted and the voices started to be audible. I don't remember what they said. I know I answered them. My memory is not right. He didn't hear me. He put me aside because he didn't know what to do. I need someone to help me get through these times. I can't do it alone. I guess I have to learn how to do it for myself.

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