Fuck you

I hate so much that I feel numb inside
I don't want to be so angry so instead I allow there to be a void where happiness once was
Unfortunately sadly disgustingly .. this is not a pin point situation
Instead it blankets everything
and it all is buried
And this throat of line cannot swallow
how dare I give the satisfaction of relief
Tears I force to hold inside
Anger that I'm afraid to feel
Empty is all that I will allow
And selfish is who I am

Truth

I guess my mind really is all messed up. How depressing is it to know that you have poor coping skills? To know that not everyone responds to situations the way you do. That people actually can get through things that seem like a dark scary abyss to me. I've always been different. I am different.

Sleep

Sleep is very underrated. I slept all day today. I feel really good. And not that manicky good. Just normal.good. I'm not angry, sad, paranoid. I'm just me. Existing like I should. I love my kids and they didn't drive me crazy when I was awake. I actually wanted to be around them. It's sad that I even say that, but yes, I avoid them as much as I avoid my husband. Everything angers me. I'd rather just hide my wrath from everyone by staying away. Today I didn't. I loved my family and showed it. I didn't hide - once I actually got some sleep!

Newlings 3 from 11th

Newlings 2 from 11th

Newlings 1 from 11th

Nobody

I'm hearing voices it seems
At times clear and not
But whobdo I tell
Fir those that understand
Could cost me my living
And those I love are at a loss
Nobody exists physically in this world
That I can find comfort in

What am I supposed to do?
I truly don't want to live
I'm almost at the point of selfishness
And desperate enough
To find a way out
The night before last
I finally understood why ppl hang themselves
I choked myself and it was serene
And then I gasped and I cried
And cried and cried

Yesterday I was numb
I was heavy and my muscles ached
I wanted it over

Post mania

I was on call last night. I also had been awake since 2am. Yeah, I know. Stupid ass me. It is what it is. Being on call made my mind race, so I got hyper and ocd. I was multitasking and doing what I had to. Consequences ensue. I became slowly hypomanic on the bus ride Hoke. Acting out would land me in the hospital. I had no choice but to hold it in. It hurts. Its sensory overload. All I could see was crushing my skull, oiling the ppl next to me. Slicing my skin anywhere I could find. It hasn't been this intense in a long time. Even right now as I type my body is shivering. Its the hangover. I finally was able to let go.some when I got in the car. Jason per usual just told me to calm down. Sometimes I wish he would just learn to hold me when I get this way instead of walking away. It makes it all hurt more. I was almost catatonic. He undressed me. I sat on the toilet and cried. I wished I had ling nails bc I was scraping at me back and neck and that help alleviate the intensity. I punched myself multiple times with both my fist. It was mostly to my forehead tho. I guess I'm not strong enough to leave bruises. He brought me clothes and just left them next to me in the bathroom. I cried.more. I finally went numb. The meds kicked in. I grabbed the clothes and laid down. I couldn't standard the feeling of anything on my skin. He couldn't understand. He left to go eat. He left to go eat. He left. I was curled up on the bed. Slowly calming down. I drifted and the voices started to be audible. I don't remember what they said. I know I answered them. My memory is not right. He didn't hear me. He put me aside because he didn't know what to do. I need someone to help me get through these times. I can't do it alone. I guess I have to learn how to do it for myself.

The time

I finally know when the time is
I finally got the message I was waiting for.
They'll be taken care of
They'll understand one day
Everyone will be happy
And I won't have to feel this darkness anymore.

Tale

Stranger days and strangers tonight
Face is known well, but not to my sight
Circles I ran, but me they still find
Screeching, "Empty the crowded mind!"
Laughter enclosed in my skull so tight
A horror, a nightmare, it's one of a kind

As my eyes swell, my throat tightens
They know the secrets of what most frightens
Pulling the strings, control escapes
Souls so lost, disappeared agape
The darkness thickens, no light can brighten
Deny the reality of this horrid fate

Trials to strengthen, weakness prevails
Masked hope in close distance - to no avail
Searching the skies for what looks like years
Trying to stand in the rushing waters of tears
This is no lie, but heart crushing tale
This is no lie, but my heart crushing tale

Don't mess with donuts

And no one sees the pain, I hide behind my eyes

And no one feels the aches, that I hold in my throat

And no can seem to know, why my blood pours

And no can read the words, that I've clearly written out

Have I been encrypted to a point beyond of recognition

That no one can sense an iota of desperation, I'm at the last resort 

Puppet master pull the strings

On this last line, I'm barely hanging

My mind, my mouth-
They're not my own;
My body, my emo-tions-
They're being controlled.
What is this that's going on
In supposedly me?
Why is it that this universe
Is acting so hauntingly?
Slowly being possessed by,
creatures, unheard and unseen;
Defiling my fond memories,
erasing my haven, so serene.

RIP

And like the wind moves the waters
Like the storms that rage the trees
So her body shifts with no exertion
To the sounds of nature's breeze

Her mind is numb to the city
Her feet do not touch the ground
Heavenly her arms caress the pain
From the mistakes that hauntingly surround

Steams damn the windows to her soul
The punishment to hold it within
Throat's aching to release
Her consequential mortal sins

Seamlessly embracing the thoughts
That others' can ignore with ease
Until the day that darkness showers
So she may finally lie and rest in peace

Without Consequence

That you could see how the darkness suffocates my soul
That the mere thought of touch hardens my skin
So many years of going through the shows with masks of varying colors
All so that no one will know what it feels like to die everyday
And awaken yet again to relive the past as though it was that morning
Each water drop acid pains my cheeks and no hand dare touches to wipe it away
For the fear of being hurt themselves is far greater than the ache to help another
Why must we forego on day that give us no rest?
Why must we live on the days that we wish we did not exist?
Are there no times allowed for us to become visibly invisible?
For someone to know the strife that we are anguishing ourselves through
Without having to utter a sound nor shed a single tear
Is there anyone that can comprehend the language of tears
The language of cries that make no sound
The pangs on a chest that wishes to burst open but it trapped within these bones
What life is this that we are given no choice without consequence?

Angels' Sing

Sit still and listen
They sing for us
If you listen close enough
The angels, they're singing
The louder you hear
The clearer the sounds
The closer you are
To going home
So listen attentively
Be astuste with your ears
For when they come singing
They are coming for you

This is me, this moment in time...

Black hole, deep ocean waters, slowly pulling me in.
The waters freezing cold, but soon as the tide rises, I go numb.
Wanting for the wounds to heal and fighting for more blood
A struggle between spirit and flesh, who will become victorious?
Old scars I plainly see, and hide them from the world.
There's no vacancy in normal land.
I'm sitting in the cold, shivering as I write.
But still I take the pain, all that I deserve.
A breakthrough I have made, but in denial still.
Try to focus on tomorrow, happiness is a nightmare.
A tease people flaunt, or more skilled at hiding it than me.
Sing a song of sorrows, morbid pleasures found through pains.
Slowly tearing at my heart, vein by bloody vein.
Full is my chest, release I do desire.
Slit my throat to ease the pressure, of living in the valleys of despair.
Self destruction is the goal, self destruction is all I know.
Self destruction with no end, or none that I was told.

Pics from the Fun House

3 Poems

Forgotten 3.21.2012
Within pins and needles I've made my bed
To rest the thoughts that surround me
Because truth is a dagger that I must swallow
My reflection shows acid puddle within my eyes
This fortress I've built begins to crumble
Once it protected me from the pains of being forgotten
Yet, it's too much too soon too lost too disdain
Crimson puffs out my cheeks
As ocean water drops drip down my temples
And with a quiver my lips weaken
Release the dagger to relieve the pain
For being forgotten is a painful poison to swallow
Allow the acid to burn my face as the dams break
The swiftness of my hand proven
As shattered glass covers the floor
And pieces that are left
Show the brokenness of my heart




Danse Macabre 3.19.2012
Decorated in frail stitches and fading scars
Lucidity, tranquility, fluidity of peace
In search of uncovering the perfect stone
For somewhere someone has hidden the key


Leaping with the strength of a grand jete
Tumbling to inhale the the dirt and gravel
Scraped and tattered feigning contentment
A smile, a bow, a 6 foot plan and shovel


Just as quick as a rose will perish on stage
So does the serenity of the innocents
The weight of years of Confucius' confusions
Will warp the mind into nonsensical nonsense


Drowning in the vastness of salted waters
This tub filled to the brim by my own eyes
Crimson showers cleanse this future
But not everyone that bleeds will ultimately die


So a wish that has no ending
A prayer that has no words
Seeking solace in the numbness
All the while the world still turns





RIVER 3.10.2012
I try to walk with faith, but so much I hesistate
Knowing that You're near me, makes me feel safe
But my greatest enemy, is she who lies inside
Lying lies upon me, playing with my mind


And river runs dry and my eyes and head ache
White waters in my heart, focusing on mistakes
Peaceful calming ocean, but puddles are all I find
Living nightmares before me that I thought I left behind


Angels, I hear singing, in chorus to uplift me
But doubts shackle to my ankles won't let it be
So hear I kneel before Him, with my tears to sacrifice
But nothing I have to offer will ever suffice


For His mercy is unending, His grace a gift indeed
If I got what I deserved, how devastated would I be
Mountains moved I witnessed, yet I still cry
Your loving arms embrace me, until the river runs dry

I want to draw

I want to draw
But not on this paper
I want to draw
But not with this pen
I want to draw
Dark red lines with this razor
I want to draw
Upon my skin