Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Middle School Feelings

Sometimes I feel like the odd one out.  Let's be honest, that sometimes is actually always.  It always feels like there's a big inside secret/joke and I'm the only person not in on it.  I have the insecurities of a middle schooler and yes, I admit, I still wish to be considered cool.  When people compliment me I instantly think they're being insincere; mostly because I can't believe anything about me is so amazing to be frank.  I guess on paper I sound good, but inside my head all I see are scribbles on a page and a stick figure drawing.  There are also some swirls on the corners and exaggerated circles around the hole punched ones.  It always seems that I have perfected the art of wrong timing.  I had the chance to belong and somehow I screw up.  I am my own worse enemy, truer words were never spoken. (Is that even the right idiom?)
I wear my insecurities on my arms and cover them with sweaters with sleeves that are too long and so bulky I look even bigger than I have already become. I look back at the days I was in college, and even then I wanted so badly to be a part of the cool kids group.  I desperately wanted to always fit in and be in on the joke.  Do we ever leave these insecurities behind?  I'm 29 and I still feel like the awkward new kid that everyone makes fun of because I have different hair and I'm not allowed to shave my legs.  When does the satisfaction in just being me begin?  I have had spurts of this contentment, but recently it feels as though those spurts are becoming even more scarce.  Even now as I write this I wonder who will take the time to read this and give it any thought.  What are you insecure about, reader?  Is there anyone out there?  I don't seek a pity party, but maybe I could use some reaffirmation.  Then again, maybe I have to be my own affirmation.  Either way, this feeling kind of sucks - big time.

No comments:

Post a Comment