Friday, November 11, 2011

Another Morning

I'm trying to pay more attention to my mood lately.  I still feel numb in that I can't cry if you paid me to.  I can laugh a bit more easily though.  It's confusing if nothing else.  Am I laughing or am I having spurts of hypomania? I can say with certainty that I am feeling depressed, I just don't have the physical effects of being depressed.  I can still laugh at things my kids do and I'm not so quick to be annoyed.  I guess it's safe to say I feel a bit melancholic.  I'm sad.  My baseline right now is sad.

I want to drink.  I want to run wild and crazy and scream and shout and laugh myself into hysteria!  But I've been told that's not normal and I already know it's not socially acceptable.  I miss being hyper, or rather manic.  It feels so great.  I remember wanting to go out and party and hang out with friends.  To be social and friendly, sometimes too friendly.  Apparently that is what happens with people with bipolar disorder.  They miss the manic episodes.  If I could bottle it up I'd make millions.  I think it's already called Ecstasy though.

I self medicated a lot in college. Always looking for that perfect high.  That high I felt when I was manic.  Thankfully, I never found it or I'd probably be an addict a well.

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