Wednesday, November 9, 2011


It's day 8 of lamictal (mood stabilizer) and day 8 of being back on my effexor (antidepressant).  I'm watching my husband and kids play with cars and I should feel - something.  I watch them and I know I should feel this warmth inside of happiness and joy but I can only faintly smile.  Is it the medication or is it me?

Last week I wanted to die.  I wouldn't admit it then, but I'll admit it now that I don't feel that way.  I felt useless and hopeless.  I'd scream and cry in the shower so no one could hear me.  I cut myself where no one would see.  I cried like I hadn't cried in what feels like months.

For whatever odd reason, I wish I could cry like I did last week again.  It felt so real.  It's hard to explain.  It's not that I want to be in that place again.  It was miserable and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it was me.  So am I feeling down because I'm still feeling it from last week, or is it the medications numbing me out?  When do the medications end and I begin?

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