It's day 8 of lamictal (mood stabilizer) and day 8 of being back on my effexor (antidepressant). I'm watching my husband and kids play with cars and I should feel - something. I watch them and I know I should feel this warmth inside of happiness and joy but I can only faintly smile. Is it the medication or is it me?
Last week I wanted to die. I wouldn't admit it then, but I'll admit it now that I don't feel that way. I felt useless and hopeless. I'd scream and cry in the shower so no one could hear me. I cut myself where no one would see. I cried like I hadn't cried in what feels like months.
For whatever odd reason, I wish I could cry like I did last week again. It felt so real. It's hard to explain. It's not that I want to be in that place again. It was miserable and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it was me. So am I feeling down because I'm still feeling it from last week, or is it the medications numbing me out? When do the medications end and I begin?
Last week I wanted to die. I wouldn't admit it then, but I'll admit it now that I don't feel that way. I felt useless and hopeless. I'd scream and cry in the shower so no one could hear me. I cut myself where no one would see. I cried like I hadn't cried in what feels like months.
For whatever odd reason, I wish I could cry like I did last week again. It felt so real. It's hard to explain. It's not that I want to be in that place again. It was miserable and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it was me. So am I feeling down because I'm still feeling it from last week, or is it the medications numbing me out? When do the medications end and I begin?
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