Thursday, November 10, 2011

Tidbits of Memory

I can't recall when my first manic episode was because I've always the "hyper" type.  I do remember randomly wanting to go cruising with my best friend at the wheel while I hung out the car window yelling at unsuspecting people on the street.  I remember being to riled up on the inside. Like I was just waiting to burst into pieces if I didn't start yelling at people.  My friends thought nothing of it. I was always weird.  I remember having so much energy I would decide to gear up and just run around my block a few dozen times.  The neighborhood kids never thought twice.

I remember all too well my depressive episodes.  I remember being 16 and at home and wanting to hurt myself.  I took the blade out of my razor.  I cut my wrist.  I watched the blood pour out and just sat there waiting fir my blood to clot.  Once it did, I wrapped it up and carried on as usual.  The next time wasn't so neat.  A few weeks later I took the same razor and began slashing away at my left forearm.  Borderline Personality much?  I was tired.  My whole world felt as though it was crumbling into little pieces and I was trying so hard to keep it together.  I had no reason to be depressed, but I wanted it to end.

The next day, first thing in the morning, I showed two friends.  They didn't hesitate to take me to the counselor.  My counselor called my mom.  My mom took me to a therapist.  My therapist mentioned something about manic depression.  I remember crying a lot and then being dead silent towards him.  Therapy lasted a few months and that was all that was done.  I began self medicating with weed. If I was high, I was allowed to feel happy, or at least not sad.

I wasn't feeling so depressed anymore.  Matter of fact, I was feeling exuberant! At school especially.  I was back to bouncing off walls and going to bed late and waking up early.  Sleep shmeep!  Other times, I kept to myself.  That was the cycle at school and life.  When I was manic, others just saw me as being hyper; when I was depressed, I just kept to myself.  

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