Monday, November 28, 2011

Been a Long Time

So between my new rotation at the ER and having 12 hour shifts and the new support group I'm a part of, I haven't really been posting much.  I'm finally feeling like I belong somewhere and it feels pretty great.  I can be myself and not hide anything in worry that someone will freak out or get scared by my thoughts.  It's pretty amazing.  I have honestly made some true friends in such a short period of time that I know genuinely care about me.  Part of me wants to say its too good to be true, but I'm trying to not be so cynical about it.  I've been learning what my triggers are - anxiety and situations that I feel trapped in.  I've always been in denial of being an anxious person because I didn't want to be one of those nervous kind of people.  I wanted to be the type that was always calm and cool under stress.  So when it would happen I would act like I wanted to be in the situation and progressively I think I was inducing a state of hypomania and eventually mania.  I guess I still have a lot to learn about myself, but sometimes I feel like there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just being a hypochondriac.  I have to remind myself of what the world looked like when I was off my meds, that usually does the trick.

I miss dreaming though.  I have always been one to have vivid dreams even if it was just a nap and now I don't remember any of my dreams.  That's probably the biggest part that makes me sad.  Even if they were nightmares they were always in such detail.  I miss my vivid dreams, even if they did border on being hallucinations.

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