Friday, December 2, 2011

I know she hates me or thinks little of me what did I do to gain another enemy why does she hate me so much and why do I care because she's always there no matter what she's made her judgement on me because she thinks I'm sort of evil person that doesn't care about other people but I do care sometimes too much and so I have to back off I can't help the way I am sometimes I can but other times it seems I can get carried away and I can't control what I say or do it's like an evil curse to know so many things that you want to say but not be able to control the order in which it comes out and then it just sounds like mashed up gibberish I hate that I am not as smart as I want to be but yet everyone thinks I am I don't see this person they see and doubt I ever will I have no sense in whom I am or who I am it seems like I'm a garbled mess of pieces of my history put together with Elmer's glue waiting for the glue to dry and in the meantime I have it stuck on my fingers and under my nails and there are spots of glue in places where there shouldn't be and little specks of dust and yarn pieces get stuck on it and make what I'm making seem less than perfect because it's so unclean and just when I think it can't get worse the wind takes the paper away and I'm left with the scraps of what I thought was me but instead it's just the leftover pieces of me that no one wants not even me punctuation is important I should have included some in this but in all honesty I don't know where they would fit because this is exactly how my thoughts are running in my head and my hands cannot keep up I keep hitting backspace and delete and hitting wrong keys because my nails are too long and I wish my doctor could see this side of my but I can't show her because she'll think I'm crazy which back before I wouldn't care but now for some reason I crave to be normal and to just blend in and have no one think me any different from the person next to me where once I wanted to stand out I now just with to fade into the background like old wallpaper that no one pays attention to or rather the small piece that is tearing off slowly that no one bothers to fix even they know it's there it just seems to get worse but everyone figures why bother it's not hurting anyone so the tear stays there separating itself from the larger pieces until one day some gets annoyed and tries to fix it by putting glue behind it and slapping it back but the wrinkles form and the imperfection cannot be made perfect cannot can not I hate the word because it should be can not and not cannot because it sounds completely different.

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