Saturday, October 22, 2011

Out of Coma into Nightmare

These are the days that most suck because its when I realize that the only reason I am sane most days is because I'm being medicated.  I ran out of one and stopped another pill.  I want to cry myself into nothingness right now. I don't care about anything else other than my head won't stop spinning and I don't fit into these clothes.  I'm overweight and can't stop thinking about when it all just went downhill.  There was no set anniversary date.  It all just seemed to creep up on me.  The only benefit of not being on any meds right now is that i'm writing and feeling every word that I type.  I'm out of my coma................but what kind of life is this?  Which is the lesser of two evils?  To live with a fake smile to get through each day meanwhile being comatosed, or to be sincerely sad and want the world to stop spinning?  I love them I do, but I am useless to them in this form. I'm useless and nearing the brink of hopeless as well.  I don't want to cry, but I can't help it.  I haven't cried in months.  I haven't felt emotions in months.  I'm back to awake, but the nightmare has just begun.  

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