Monday, October 31, 2011


That is my mother's solution to my depression, get motivated. Its as pointless as telling someone with aortic stenosis to stop getting dizzy. She means well I am sure, I just wish she had a clue. I wish I didn't get so pissed off at her. I have to keep reminding myself that she means well, and that is not am easy thing to do.

I am sitting on the swing that is in the back porch, blogging from my phone. I wish I had something poignant to say, but in all honesty I just feel empty, guilty, and a bit bitter. I see people around me get through ups and downs and not have much change in their life. They do not have to deal with the regret of their thouht content. They probably do not even know that there is content separate from their thoughts.

Are you currently suicidal? No. Have you recently? That is not an easy question to answer. You see, I'm never suicidal, but I think of my death quite often. I will state time and time again, if it were not for my kids and my fear of what my death would do to them, I would have attempted it by now.

My four angels, my reason for living. My babies. And, as life would have it, I've become quite attached to my hubby. It took a long time for me to believe that he loves me, and now that I do, he gets put into the equation of guilt as well. My parents I'm sure would feel horrible if I were to die, but I can't say I really care. Its good for them that I grew up fearing death more than life. Maybe I have developed Borderline PD.

I was not always like this, you know. I was a happy kid, or so I've been told. Pictures don't lie; then again its just a snapshot of a single moment. I was pretty aware of myself as being an individual at a very young age. I can only assume that I could have easily lied to a camera with a simple "cheese."
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