Today was very difficult for me. A woman came at lunch to speak about domestic violence and it took every ounce of my being to not break down and cry in front of everyone. It's been over 3 years since I got out, but I'm still haunted by the feelings of fear and inadequacy. I survived almost 7 years of being in an abusive relationship. I thought I got out unscathed. Anytime someone talks about women getting hurt by someone that they are supposed to trust, I break down into tears. I still have flashbacks of his open hand, of looking in the mirror wondering "will that leave a bruise?" Wondering, maybe he'll get into a car accident and die today. I prayed for him to die so I could escape. I can see how murder seems to be the only way out for some women. You really pent up a lot of anger and hate towards someone that is supposed to care about you.
My oldest was 4 months old when he first hit me, the yelling and screaming was a daily occurrence by then. He laughed saying I walked into his closed fist. I WALKED INTO A CLOSED FIST! And I was in shock. I actually let myself believe that that was what happened. I felt so ashamed that I ostracized myself from my closest friends. I didn't know if they saw what he did to me, but I was so scared that they would find out that I was ALLOWING someone to treat me like garbage. So I stopped hanging out. Then I started to wonder if anyone even cared. Why did no one SAY anything? Was I hiding the abuse that well?
And yes, it did go get to the point that I knew it was abuse, but I was terrified of leaving. HE'D KILL ME if I ever left. He threatened any guy I spoke to. He accused me of trying to hook up with guys behind his back. And I made up excuse after excuse and convinced myself, if I PRAY HARDER then God will change him. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed for God to change him. And I thought that staying would be a testament to my faith.
I was FOOLED. I was BRAINWASHED. I was TERRIFIED. Even after I was taken to the hospital and my sweet innocent children saw me with a bloody nose, I tried to make it work out. And finally I realized that all the praying I was doing for change - it happened. I CHANGED. I decided come hell or high water, let him try and kill me if that was what was going to happen. I WAS DONE. No more slapping me until I was covered in black and blue. No more throwing me down the stairs. No more pinning me down. NO MORE.
Knowing now what it feels like to be in a great relationship where I'm loved and respected makes me even angrier that I allowed anyone to control me the way that I allowed for in the past. It angers me to the nth degree when I see people that I love and care about be in a relationship that is so similar to what I went through. To hear the stories that he hit her, he picked her up by her neck, he threatens her, I just want to kidnap them away! When I cry from the flashbacks, the tears I shed are for them also. THE TEARS I CRY ARE FOR YOU! If you're reading this, and you think I'm talking about you - I AM. Get out, GET OUT!
There is someone that God has for you that will treat YOU LIKE A QUEEN! That would never fathom to raise their voice or hand at you. That would never insult you, threaten you, or make you feel worthless. GET OUT while you have a chance. Don't let the fantasy he feeds fool you like it fooled me for so long. A real man will not PROMISE you a fantasy, a real man will PROVE it to you.
My oldest was 4 months old when he first hit me, the yelling and screaming was a daily occurrence by then. He laughed saying I walked into his closed fist. I WALKED INTO A CLOSED FIST! And I was in shock. I actually let myself believe that that was what happened. I felt so ashamed that I ostracized myself from my closest friends. I didn't know if they saw what he did to me, but I was so scared that they would find out that I was ALLOWING someone to treat me like garbage. So I stopped hanging out. Then I started to wonder if anyone even cared. Why did no one SAY anything? Was I hiding the abuse that well?
And yes, it did go get to the point that I knew it was abuse, but I was terrified of leaving. HE'D KILL ME if I ever left. He threatened any guy I spoke to. He accused me of trying to hook up with guys behind his back. And I made up excuse after excuse and convinced myself, if I PRAY HARDER then God will change him. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed for God to change him. And I thought that staying would be a testament to my faith.
I was FOOLED. I was BRAINWASHED. I was TERRIFIED. Even after I was taken to the hospital and my sweet innocent children saw me with a bloody nose, I tried to make it work out. And finally I realized that all the praying I was doing for change - it happened. I CHANGED. I decided come hell or high water, let him try and kill me if that was what was going to happen. I WAS DONE. No more slapping me until I was covered in black and blue. No more throwing me down the stairs. No more pinning me down. NO MORE.
Knowing now what it feels like to be in a great relationship where I'm loved and respected makes me even angrier that I allowed anyone to control me the way that I allowed for in the past. It angers me to the nth degree when I see people that I love and care about be in a relationship that is so similar to what I went through. To hear the stories that he hit her, he picked her up by her neck, he threatens her, I just want to kidnap them away! When I cry from the flashbacks, the tears I shed are for them also. THE TEARS I CRY ARE FOR YOU! If you're reading this, and you think I'm talking about you - I AM. Get out, GET OUT!
There is someone that God has for you that will treat YOU LIKE A QUEEN! That would never fathom to raise their voice or hand at you. That would never insult you, threaten you, or make you feel worthless. GET OUT while you have a chance. Don't let the fantasy he feeds fool you like it fooled me for so long. A real man will not PROMISE you a fantasy, a real man will PROVE it to you.
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