Monday, October 31, 2011

In the Shower

Overly sensitive? Possibly.  Lately people's comments to my stuff on facebook was as bad as being stabbed in the trachea with a red hot blade.  Why?  I know why, but whatever.  Not posting on facebook is my own way of self harm I guess.  Kind of like when an inmate refuses to take their insulin because they're pissed at a CO.  They're not hurting anyone, but it gives a sense of control of sorts.  I wish I wasn't so scared to write my unfiltered thoughts.  The thoughts I have when I'm screaming and crying in the shower.  The thoughts I have when I fantasize about my razor.  Yeah, those thoughts.  It's not a cry for help.  I write because I can only listen to my voices for so long.  If I'm dictating to myself at least everything is more controlled.  The thoughts aren't so left field and the end product doesn't leave me feeling as guilty.

I wonder what people think of me.  She writes to get attention, all she wants is attention.  Maybe that's true, then again, maybe they can just go fuck themselves.

I can't afford to dress my kids up for Halloween and it sucks.  I feel even worse because I know hubby feels ever worse about it.  You see how easily I can go into a cycle?  I have an appointment today with a new doctor today.  I'm hoping just get all the bullshit straightened out in my head.  Even if it does mean taking more or new meds.  I hate how I feel on them, but at least I can function.  And at least I can look at my kids without crying or yelling.  If chemical restraints are what is necessary to be a "healthy" mom for my kids, then so be it.

I should also say goodbye.  Once I start on meds again, the writing has a tendency to slow down if not stop entirely.  
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